Tuesday May, 9th marked another trip around the sun for Lane Kiffin, but decorum in this space prevents me from giving an exact number of those trips. Just know that the number is somewhere north of 25 and somewhere south of [unintelligible mumbling].
If you were like me and unaware of this milestone until the bird site said so, not to worry, I have some gift ideas that we can go in on together in a grand gesture to make up for not knowing. And we can feel a little better about ourselves because not knowing is way better than not remembering, which is a felony in some family circles.
Before we get to those gift ideas, let’s take a look at people Kiffin shares a birthday with, as well as historical events that took place on May 9th.
Notable May 9th birthdays
- Bill Joel*
- Ghostface Killah
- Rosario Dawson
- Tony Gwynn
- John Brown**
*”This song is about having a birthday and enjoying your party. It’s called ‘Enjoying Your Birthday Party.’”
**Yes, the John Brown of Harper’s Ferry, Virginia raid fame.
A sample of historical events on May 9th
- 1865 - The Civil War ends
- 1889 - Spokane wins the 15th Kentucky Derby (2:34:50)*
- 1914 - The first Mother’s Day**
- 1983 - 18th Academy of Country Music Awards, with Alabama and Ronnie Milsap winning awards (YOU DAMN RIGHT)
*Horses didn’t have access to premium steroids at this point in history, hence the slow time.
**Don’t forget this Sunday!
Now, I’m going to assume that, like me, you didn’t get invited to any birthday festivities. Since none of us were there, I once again turned to artificial intelligence to give us visuals of what the celebration may have looked like. Related, I will soon stop having AI in every post I do.
AI’s renderings of Lane Kiffin’s birthday party
Elite traffic cone birthday hat, AI.
These solo shots were fine, but I wanted to see more of a celebration with close family and friends. So I told AI that Tony the Landshark and Rebel the Bear were invited and celebrated with Kiffin.
Things got, uh, a little BONKERS.
It looks like a Matthew McConaughey enjoying a weird role, while Tony is dressed in a football uniform from 1897 that makes him scratch his armpits, and Rebel is wearing NC State’s all-red look for the North Carolina game.
That’s Jesus joking with the fellas in front of a tank at the Atlanta aquarium. Also Tony is now part shark, part bear, and part fish scientists thought became extinct in 1824 until it washed up dead on a beach in New Jersey last year.
Finally, one more, and it is maybe the most deranged of them all.
Tom Cruise from Rain Man celebrating with two bears (unclear who the bear on the right is), and someone from Eyes Wide Shut wearing a Guy Fawkes mask (?) and holding an unbalanced candelabra. Looks great and very reasonable.
Anyway, moving on.
Let’s talk gifts where we can compile our monies and get Kiffin something that says, “It’s not poisonous, please don’t file a restraining order.”
Birthday gift ideas
Jet ski removal/jet ski money
If you recall, Kiffin was trying to sell his jet skis in Boca Raton last month. He later said at a press conference that a sale was in the works, but they discovered one of the jet skis didn’t work.
We never got confirmation the sale went through, so, as I noted in the link above, we may still have time to get in on a jet ski investment opportunity. I can think of no greater birthday gift to a jet ski owner than giving them money and relieving them of jet ski ownership.
A Jerry Jones super yacht for cruising Sardis
Not Jerry Jones’ actual yacht but something similar. Look, with as many of those Russian oligarch yachts that got seized last year, we can probably get a quality discount at a Spanish government auction.
A cup of coffee without a poop supplement
From our recap of Kiffin’s ESPN interview last month:
Lane Kiffin’s coffee looks like someone shoveled dirt in a pot and set it to boil. Mysterious clumps float on top. It’s best not wondering what has sunk to the bottom. “It’s some digestive thing that’s supposed to make you lose weight,” Kiffin says, gesturing to the Styrofoam cup atop his desk, unsure if it’s meant to reduce bloat, increase metabolism or both.
The man has one of the most stressful jobs in sports, and he’s not able to enjoy a cup of coffee before starting another demanding day. We can give him 15-20 minutes of refreshment and restoration of the soul.
I don’t think we even need to get him something super fancy. Just a dash of sugar or cream to help him remember what it feels like to taste good things. I’m not a coffee drinker because it’s disgusting, so I will defer to those who do.
Unlimited NIL budget
Is this gift selfish and tied into his job rather than who he is as a person? You bet! But the way I see it, more money makes it easier to do his job, which benefits him professionally and reduces the amount of stress he has in his life, creating a higher quality of life.
Reduce the stress, reduce the need for coffee poop supplements.