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Lane Kiffin’s jet skis could be yours

And while you’re at it, you can add the floating dock to your purchase.

Troy v Ole Miss Photo by Justin Ford/Getty Images

Sometimes in life, it’s early April, the baseball team is scuffling, and spring football practice is drama-free, but the #content gods still choose to smile upon you.

Tuesday night, Lane Kiffin took to the best worst website on the internet dot com and announced he is selling two jet skis and the floating dock on which they reside.

The particulars he noted in this potential sale are:

  • You need to be in the South Florida area (preferably Boca Raton)
  • You need to be interested, which I assume means you have access to water and no fear about owning medical bills waiting to happen
  • You need to act quickly before Kiffin’s children realize what’s happening and badger him into keeping two jet skis that get used twice a year, tops*

*Dads everywhere are shaking their heads at this inefficiency that grinds their gears.

As of a late Tuesday night scroll through Kiffin’s mentions, there appear to be no serious negotiations. However, there was an attempt at bartering, with an offer of a “slightly used” GoPro and a set of golf clubs that were likely collected at various garage sales over the years and became technologically obsolete in 1987.

Another person pointed out the jet skis could be used at Sardis, which, while true, creates a separate set of problems. He’d have to store them at home (probably at the end of the driveway, which the neighbors will love), buy a truck/SUV and a trailer to haul them out to Sardis, and use a public boat ramp like a poor. NO THANK YOU.

What I’m getting at is, if there are no takers, we, the interested parties on this website (writers and readers), can pool our monies and become percentage owners of personal watercraft that once belonged to Lane Kiffin. I have no idea if explaining how you came to own your jet ski is a thing in the jet ski community, but if it is, we would have the best story.

Obviously as percentage owners, we would have to share the jet skis throughout the year and work out transportation logistics from owner to owner. And the time each of us would have them depends on how many of us there are.

Not to worry. We will find someone who is skilled in the art of spreadsheets and can create a color-coded schedule that is fair and easy to follow.

The Red Cup jet ski ownership group will be sort of like a timeshare, minus the unending management fees, the feeling of turning your vacation into an obligation, and potential financial penalties for your grandchildren’s grandchildren.