Juice Kiffin is here to help judge all things Ole Miss

LateTuesday afternoon, Lane Kiffin and 250 fellow yoga junkies stretched, centered, and balanced themselves while on the field at Vaught-Hemingway Stadium.

Based on the images and video from the class, a good time was seemingly had by all. As previously noted in this space, Kiffin is a documenter of regional airports, but he also dabbles in documenting large yoga classes:

It’s unclear if they were trying to spell something or create a shape, but it sort of looks like a boot or the letter J and an attempt at Prince’s symbol turned sideways.

College guys using bath towels as an all-purpose towel and mat is so college guy that College Gray feels attacked.

In addition to Kiffin’s photography of the yoga session, the football video crew shot footage and pieced it together in this montage:

As you may have noticed, Juice Kiffin made an appearance around the 25-second mark. Juice, a very good dog, took in the scenes of Plank, Pigeon, and Crane poses in unison, and with one look, issued his judgment about having to sit there and watch large-group yoga instead of doing good dog things:

That is the look of a dog who is screaming internally.

What other things might inspire such a reaction? I’ve come up with a list of scenarios and judged them according to the look on Juice’s face, which is the Taylor Twellman United States Men’s National Team meltdown gif on repeat:

In order to rate the judgment, I’ve developed a scale of 1 to 4 Juice looks, with 1 being the least judgmental and 4 being peak judgment. For example, if Lane Kiffin were to steal Hugh Freeze’s patented double-reverse wide receiver pass and run it in the red zone this season, here’s the judgment:

LANE KIFFIN TO THE GULAG.

Now, let’s get to the various scenarios.

Yoga video song selection

“Dis & That” by YoungBoy Never Broke Again was certainly a choice you could make. If you want to peep the lyrics to find out what you didn’t get to fully listen to, you can check those out here*.

*The potential of an email from our overlords and the resulting administrative hassle is reason enough to not post the lyrics.

However, if the plan was to create extra work for whomever had to edit the video, it was an inspired choice.

Class in The Grove when it’s above 80

This should probably say any outdoor sedentary activity. Sweating while you’re moving around is fine, as that’s expected, but when you’re sitting for an extended period, and there’s a river running down your back, it sucks! Don’t do it! Stay inside!

Complaining about Mike Bianco calling for a sacrifice bunt less than a year after winning a national championship

Normally, you would get no judgment because bunts are the worst. However, since Bianco is about 9 months removed from winning in Omaha, there is a touch of judgment for taking issue with the guy who did what no one thought would happen in our lifetimes.

Unnecessarily backing into parking spaces

Is this in case SEAL Team Six comes out of the building and needs a hot extract? The chopper can’t make it to the LZ but thank goodness you’re there with the car pointing out of the parking spot.

The only acceptable backing in scenario is at an event where you know the post-event traffic is going to be hell. It’s much easier to push your way out of the parking spot and into the non-moving line of cars when you’re already facing forward.

Jimbo Fisher speaking about why a recruit signed with Texas A&M

Blanket judgment across all statements because none of them will say money.

Since we’re talking about College Station, this recent find is relevant:

I saw Robert Earl Keen live only once (he’s now retired from touring). When he played “Corpus Christi Bay”, “Feelin’ Good Again”, and well, basically everything else, it was a FEELINGS AHOY experience. I, for one, hope he gets the itch in retirement to do a few more shows here and there.

Related, this is a wonderful read about his final tour.

Not replacing slaw with extra bread at Cane’s

Ditching the slaw for a second piece of bread soaked in whatever industrial strength butter they use is the pro move. You’re at Cane’s. Lean in to the 1,800-calorie meal.

Going to Cane’s

Let’s work on making better life choices. However, if you do backslide and go, you can’t walk in without your own seasoning, which will be the only seasoning in the restaurant.

“SHOULDA KICKED THE DANG FIELD GOAL”

Field goals are failures. We’re going to organize a Red Cup Rebellion field trip to a tattoo parlor and get that statement tattooed across our stomachs in the same font as Tupac’s “Thug Life” tattoo.

Going for it on 4th and 1 at your own 11 (ELEVEN) in the second quarter of a bowl game

The Texas Bowl was mostly pointless and will have no effect on whatever happens in 2023, but that decision was weapons-grade BONKERS. And I say that as someone who cannot be more thrilled with Kiffin’s approach to fourth downs.

What’s perhaps the perfect [chef’s kiss] is that Ole Miss got the first down and followed it up with these two plays:

• First and 10 from the 14 - Illegal formation
• First and 15 from the 9 - Interception

Tremendous #WAOM content.

Tweeting at recruits

To borrow from the Gloria Patri, tweeting at recruits “as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be” an unhinged thing an adult fan can do on Twitter dot com.

For the recruit tweeters, I would suggest sticking to crawling up in the mentions of things you don’t like and can’t comprehend, while shrieking WOKE, LIB, and THE GOT DANG BIASED MEDIA. That’s an equally effective way of outing yourself as a moron.