If SEC head coaches were characters on The Office, here’s who they would be

Whether you watched The Office when it aired what feels like 35 years ago or discovered it on your streaming service of choice*, we all can agree it’s not a wildly irresponsible statement to call it one of the best sitcoms to grace our screens (ignoring the last few seasons, which were hooooo boy). If you’ve never seen an episode, first off, how dare you, and second, who do you think you are?

*No free ads here at Red Cup Rebellion dot com!

For the purposes of this post, if you’ve never watched the show, the rest of the words on your screen will be a little more nonsensical than it will be for those who did watch. So our advice is maybe stop reading? But you do you, fam.

As part of the August Content Train™ (the slightly less desperate cousin of the July Content Train™), we wanted to shift gears and match SEC head coaches with the characters of Dunder-Mifflin Scranton, two groups of people forced into sandboxes while trying to pay the bills.

In both groups, there are a lot of different personalities, including egos that have egos, those who try too hard, and individuals who are likely wanted by federal law enforcement (slight glance in your direction, “Brian Kelly”). So let’s dig in to the list of SEC coaches and The Office characters they best represent.

Bryan Harsin - Devon

Remember Devon? No? Well, he was the first person fired on the show so this tracks.

Kirby Smart - Dwight Schrute

A high achiever who also cuts his hair with a spoon and probably drove the streets of his hometown of Bainbridge, Georgia in a 1987 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am. Entirely possible he’s driving the streets of Athens in the same way.

While there is a 450 percent chance he has no idea what Battlestar Galactica is, like any middle-aged man associated with the University of Georgia, golf is his Battlestar Galactica. Smart may not be as nerdy as Dwight, but he too longs for the day when he becomes the overlord of his peers.

Nick Saban - Angela Martin

No nonsense, disciplined, regimented, believes his way is the only one way of doing things, assumes he is surrounded by idiots, and does not tolerate anything less than what he expects. The steps of The Process are his cats, and he will die for them.

Unclear if he has ever physically licked a white board with The Process written on it, but the answer is yes because Lane Kiffin wrote PEN15 Club on it in 2014 and grooming was required.

Plus, the Saban/Smart relationship has Angela/Dwight vibes, especially when the icing out occurs.

Mike Leach - Creed Bratton

If Mike Leach said that he dabbled in hippie culture, faked his own death, stole someone’s identity, loves to scuba, and sprouts mung beans in his desk drawer, you wouldn’t blink because it sounds about right.

Here’s a fun game to play. Who said this:

I’ve been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.

The answer: both of them (probably).

Brian Kelly - Andy Bernard

Both were raised in New England, have over-the-top southern accents when required to perform, and desperately want you to think they’re very cool and very normal at being cool:

Kelly attended prep school and Assumption University, which is real, and we can assume it is the Cornell of Worcester, Massachusetts.

And let’s not forget the anger management issues:

Lane Kiffin - Jim Halpert

A high achiever who finds delight in breaking up the daily grind in ways that amuse only himself. As such, he absolutely once put Kirby Smart’s clicker for watching film in Jell-O, sent Smart texts from his future burner phone, and came to work dressed as Smart, complete with a wig that he cut with a spoon.

Plus, he’s got the “look at the camera in dismay” down:

Vasha Hunt-USA TODAY Sports

Jimbo Fisher - Michael Scott

Buffoonish tendencies, once made more money than everyone else, and assumes anything good that happens is due to his genius and not outside forces. Despite crippling self-inflicted mistakes (lol, look at their losses in 2021), he can still deliver the sale when needed (lol, Alabama win in 2021).

The press conference he called to shriek over Nick Saban’s comments about Texas A&M’s recruiting was like the Date Night Mike in the Kangol hat. Hilarious but bless his heart.

Right here is where we would normally show you a photoshop of Jimbo in a Kangol hat, but time is in short supply, and we need to keep moving.

[desire to see Jimbo in a Kangol hat intensifying]

DAMMIT. FINE.

Sam Pittman - Kevin Malone

There was a theory among Office fans that Kevin, despite coming across as in over his head, was actually a genius. While the theories were all over the place, one fact was right in front of the audience, as Kevin was the lead singer and drummer for Scrantonicity and Scrantonicity II.

If you are the lead singer and can provide the rhythm for a band, you’re considered an elite musical talent because it’s extremely difficult to do. Think of someone like Levon Helm of The Band.

That doesn’t confirm he was a genius, but there was more than what we saw on the surface. Enter Sam Pittman.

He spent 35 years as a position coach in about 900 places and gets a head coaching job that’s a rebuild, and everyone laughs at his hiring. Then in his second year he goes 9-4.

If there’s a story about him spilling chili in the Arkansas football complex, this gets A LITTLE TOO REAL.

Mark Stoops - Stanley Hudson

A little ornery and set in his ways, and he knows that as long as he’s not a drag on the Kentucky athletic department, he will stay employed there forever. Plus, there is no bigger fan of Pretzel Day in the football building than Mark Stoops.

It’s also easy to imagine that Stoops, after nearly having a rage-stroke in a film session over a missed assignment, goes home that night and enjoys a hot bath with a glass of red wine for the antioxidants.

Billy Napier - Clark

Shane Beamer - Pete (Plop)

Oh yeah, these guys work here now. They’re living life tucked away in the dormant annex of Columbia and Gainesville. Who knows if they’ll make it, but they will have an endless supply of “you will not believe this shit” work stories for their friends.

Eli Drinkwitz - Ryan Howard

The 39-year old hotshot, who for business school went 12-1 in his only season as a head coach. Now he has the keys to something bigger, and we’re still trying to learn if the Missouri Infinity website is going to work or will it end in failure and a temp job as an offensive analyst at Alabama.

Also, Lane Kiffin trolls him regularly:

Josh Heupel - Charles Miner

Seemingly normal guy who did well in his previous gig and embraced a new challenge. He soon learns that the people he initially trusted are borderline psychotic.

[insert gif of Phil Fulmer throwing a golf ball at Lane Kiffin]

Clark Lea - Uncredited Warehouse Employee

He is on the show.