Despite the calendar noting we are in the first week of August, it doesn’t feel like the college football season is upon us - waiting to consume everything in its path for the next four months.
Whether it’s the last 16 months melting my brain’s sense of seasonal cycles or my brain leaning in hard to full-time autopilot, I find myself stumbling in to this football season, like I just found something I forgot I lost.
“Ahhh, so that’s what I did with that. Those wild accusations of theft, which involve minor incidents of lunatic behavior, seem a little silly now. My bad, guys!”
However, thanks to the march of time taking NO DAYS OFF, we are one month from the beginning of Year 2 of the Lane Kiffin era. In 31 days, whether prepared or not, we as fans will begin the emotionally draining, four-month experience that is an Ole Miss football season (totally healthy and normal!).
To get your mind and body in the right place to endure such a journey, I’ve developed a list of 31 things you should do prior to the September 6th game against Louisville. The smart move would be to take these on at a reasonable rate, like one per day. Though, I will not judge anyone’s procrastination approach, as trying to do it all at the last second is how the show here at Gray Enterprises Inc. runs 24/7/365.
Whatever your approach is, here are 31 things to help you prepare for Ole Miss football 2021.
Obviously. And your kidneys need some easy filtration work prior to the heavy lifting.
2) Get in alcohol shape
It somewhat contradicts number one, but we can’t have you crashing and burning in the second quarter of the Louisville game, then taking two weeks off for repairs. We need you ready and able right out of the gate, with the ability to maintain for the impending marathon.
3) Spend a day ignoring as many responsibilities as possible
Who among us does not reflect fondly upon the times when the brake lines are cut and natural momentum took the wheel?
(assuming jail was not involved)
4) Watch Ted Lasso
I’m waiting to watch Season 2 after it’s finished so I can plow through it in one bender where not a single ray of natural sunshine touches my skin. You may prefer to watch week to week, which is fine. You do you.
You can also do a rewatch of Season 1, which is well worth your time. While this has nothing directly to do with Ole Miss football, it may make you a kinder, more generous person, which may help limit you shouting only three hand-related burns at Hugh Freeze when Liberty visits later in the season.
5) Watch Point Break (Keanu/Swayze version)
Let Bodhi teach you the ways of Eastern Mysticism that center the soul and convert you to the BRAH lifestyle of no worries, my man. It’s the perfect mindset to deal with all things Ole Miss sports.
Of course, this approach, mixed with the need for cash to support said lifestyle, could send you down a path of robbing banks on your way to drowning* in a 50-year storm off the coast of Australia.
It’s the best way to mentally prepare for the dumbest loss to Arkansas yet!
*DEFINITELY PADDLED TO NEW ZEALAND, FAM.
6) Watch the Point Break remake
Dare I say I love it as much as the original? I mean, LOOK AT THE TRAILER.
7) Brush up on Canadian geography
Etobicoke. Ontario. Guelph.
100 percent chance everyone reading this (and the person writing it) could not find it on a map.
8) For that matter, brush up on Canadian pronunciations
MORE LIKE EH-TOBICOKE. OR GU-EH-LPH.
9) Get vaccinated or encourage those who aren’t to do so
If this season gets derailed in any way because of anti-vaccine weirdos, I am going to write a very indignant post! As someone who is vaccinated, I can tell you the 5G rolling through my veins has improved the multimedia experience on my phone and laptop.
10) Call in to the radio show with David Kellum and Lane Kiffin and describe your opening weekend Atlanta plans in great detail
As a person who is very interested in social interactions with strangers, Kiffin will love every second of it, right down to the part when you explain your late night order at The Varsity.
11) Play Red Dead Redemption 2 or another mindless video game
31 days is a lot of clock to run out and turning the brain off for a few hours (see: dozens of hours) is the way to go.
Same idea as the mindless video game, but you’ll potentially educate yourself, step up your vocab, and have an interesting anecdote to tell. But don’t be a horrible storyteller because horrible storytellers are THE WORST.
13) Do a test run of a Saturday meal on the grill
August is hot and horrible so use it as an inspiration to purge your various meats of dryness.
14) Engage a panic reheat of food
You had plans that put you back at home in time to cook a reasonable meal prior to the game. Unfortunately, it all went sideways, and now you have just minutes to prepare food, so it’s at least not cold.
Simulate that experience because those fingers need to be loose when the time comes for the eight-mile stretch from the 2 to the 0 on the microwave key pad.
15) Fire up any edition of NCAA Football and simulate Ole Miss/Louisville
Set it in the Georgia Dome (RIP), record it, and upload it to YouTube. But wait, isn’t that kind of weird, Gray? You bet!
But look at how much clock you just ran out in the month of August, the February of the summer.
16) Enjoy a #madonline Ole Miss fan ranting about recruiting in August
17) Buy tickets to the Ole Miss/Louisville game
It’s Labor Day weekend, Atlanta is a wonderful city, and the Rebels are going to roll (side note: we are hammering anything from -7.5 to -9.5). However, I would wait to get said tickets until I get mine so I don’t have to sit behind you.
18) Get season tickets
One step better, and I’m saying this as someone who doesn’t get a percentage for encouraging you to do so. ATTN: KEITH CARTER.
Even if you can’t go to all the games (I cannot), it’s worth the financial investment to be able to complete the fan survey at the end of the year when you can tell them for FOR THE DECENCY OF ALL MANKIND PLEASE TURN DOWN Glen Waddle’s microphone in Vaught-Hemingway Stadium.
19) Learn the intricacies of 5-trap coverage so you can explain it to no one who cares
AND SO THE OUTSIDE CORNER FAKES CARRYING THE VERTICAL ROUTE, THEN TURNS AND BREAKS ON THE SLOT RECEIVER RUNNING AN OUT-BREAKING ROUTE. EASY I-N-T. IT’S WILD. WILD, I SAY.
20) Renew your Red Cup Rebellion subscription
What a special we’re running right now. 12 free months, followed by 12 free months after that, and probably beyond that. Can’t beat the price, and we offer almost no unhinged from reality rants!
21) Watch this old clip of Stephen Jackson talking about Ron Artest post-fighting fans in Detroit
As a warning, you may need oxygen when he repeats what Artest said.
DO YOU THINK WE’RE GONNA GET IN TROUBLE?
Bless your heart, Ron Artest.
22) Practice your imaginary pregame speeches with help from The U
You know you do it when no one is around, so why not learn from the best. Friends, I love this more than just about anything, but, and I cannot stress this enough, there is a significant language warning here. Do not play this aloud at work or in your home if tiny #YOUTHS are around. Consider yourself warned and adjust accordingly.
23) Make signs for Hugh Freeze’s return to Oxford
I’m talking about the type of signs that security will confiscate because their bosses don’t appreciate a well conceived Tampa massage parlor joke.
24) Watch Ted Lasso again if you make more than three signs
25) Practice your fake pee celebrations
The thing about social situations is you never know when it’s the right audience for a fake pee.
26) Tell the haters and losers, of which there are many, that Matt Corral is going to get defensive coordinators fired
27) Squint at a scoreboard and be glad we don’t have to see that again
People should be in jail for 2018 and 2019.
28) Consider your arguments for who should be on the US Men’s National Team World Cup qualifying roster in September
Again, lots of clock to run out in August. But mostly I want to use this time to point out Mexico rolled into the Gold Cup with the A-team, and the US brought the MLS team and still won. An entire summer of dunking on Mexico’s national team. We love to see it.
29) Call in to the radio show with David Kellum and Lane Kiffin and ask either one of them to pronounce “Guelph”
30) Call in to the radio show with David Kellum and Lane Kiffin and ask either one of them to pronounce “Etobicoke”
DK: Jaden Dicks from Eh-toe-bee-bee-bee-be gettin’ a lot of sacks, am I right, coach?!?!?
(back slaps ahoy)
31) If you’re in the ATL in 31 days, say hello
I’ll be wearing a Bag Man shirt and besmirching the pizza empire and founder that fuels Louisville.