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Here’s our introductory course for high school athletes’ social media profiles

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Giving a free lesson to the kids out there because we care.

Discover BCS National Championship - Media Day Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

When you’re logged on to the internet dot com, you occasionally run across someone out there offering advice to prospective college athletes. Specifically, they’re focused on how said prospective athlete can best present themselves on their various forms of social media to college coaches who view their accounts.

Typically, it’s basic stuff like put your name on the account (always a good idea), turn on any private direct message capabilities, and include links to video of you playing your sport well, with not awful music selections. While these tips are helpful, they’re also BORING.

In a field with limited opportunities, it’s important prospective college athletes find a way to stand out from the person who is basically them but lives in another town and definitely, totally, 100 percent also ran a 4.49. To help these future college players stand out, we’re offering some advice on how to spruce up that social media profile to both stand out and spark a conversation that never would be had otherwise.

Here are our tips for all the #youths out there:

1

No getting away from being boring here. Coaches need to know what you look like, preferably not in a blur or in a pile of humanity near the goal line.

2

Most likely, your actual name is either boring or a 15 out of 10 in the “NCAA Football ‘14 Name Generator” and leads coaches to believe you too are made up. Go with something memorable or a tribute to something that is redefining food in America.

3

If a bag man does slide into the DMs and starts talking money, know that he is an idiot, probably helped steal money from a children’s hospital in Baton Rouge, and could be going to prison. Only discuss money in person and not in a public setting like, say, a popular pizza place that’s easy to remember.

4

TIRED: Hudl

WIRED: Letting coaches know you too appreciate the genius of Rusty Rates Beers.

@rustyfeatherstone

The first ever NO SCORE...  Controversy? I think so... Check out the new shirts at the link in my bio!

♬ original sound - Rusty

The power of the Platinums was so strong that he couldn’t even remember to give a rating.

Note: Quietly bracing for something awful to come out about him and no longer be able to enjoy these.

5

Pro Tip: If you’re following Lane Kiffin, Nick Saban, and like 300+ attractive ladies you don’t know, it’s not a great look!

6

Normally, you bio would be reserved for where you go to school, your position, GPA, SAT, ACT, other sports/interests OH SWEET MERCY I’VE ALREADY FALLEN ASLEEP WHO CARES. Give them something they’ll remember, like confirmation you know that:

As for your position, college coaches love versatility. Sure you play linebacker, but you also play ZAZ. Are they gonna be intrigued and ask you about that? Yep! So come up with a believable lie.

For additional conversation, let’s have the frank monster truck discussion this country has tried to avoid for too long. Team Bigfoot or Team Grave Digger? Just so you know, Team Grave Digger is a guaranteed scholarship.

Coaches will also want to be assured you’re not about to spin right off this planet. That’s why letting them know that Zenny Phantom, who to his credit is not afraid to put himself out there, is doing some, AHEM, weird stuff.

Finally, coaches need to know where you stand on our nation’s most important issue. Don’t be afraid to tell the haters and the losers, of which there are many, that a hot dog is indeed a sandwich.

7

Please don’t bring about your relegation to Facebook.

8

This is actually a test. Don’t be like this person here and tell the truth. Lie and say you did not go where a certain former pants-pooping quarterback ran into some ruffians who wanted to renegotiate.

9

Brand management, fam. Brand management.

Godspeed to you and your recruitment.