As a dedicated supporter of the procrastination life, it’s disorienting to write a preview about a game that won’t be played until seven years from this September. After all the good times I’ve enjoyed over the years with my dear friend procrastination, such an act feels like it has huge “backstabbing and dropping the body down a crevasse” energy.
However, I find comfort in the fact this won’t be a true preview but more of a prediction of what life and Ole Miss will be like in the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Twenty Eight (!!!). The actual game preview will be written accord to law: frantically on the Thursday night before the game, with a moderate amount of attention to detail.
While it’s impossible to predict events this far in the future, as I struggle with just the next 48 hours staring me in the face, we shall not let that stop us from firing away about what the scene in 2028 will look like.
First, some facts
These aren’t predictions but cold, hard truths that should rattle you to your core and leave you in a thousand-yard stare (minus the last one).
- Ole Miss’ starting quarterback in this game is about 12 to 15 years old right now.
- The same goes for the entire Ole Miss roster.
- These players were all likely born between 2006 and 2010 (kill me).
- For context, that means they were either not born or too young to remember the back-to-back Cotton Bowls for the first time in 50 years! 50!
- BYU’s starting quarterback, offensive line, and defensive line in this game were all born in 1994.
- Whatever the daily sales record is for these two liquor stores, it’s going to be three laps down within a couple of hours after opening on both Friday and Saturday.
What will life be like in 2028?
- I hate to bring it up since we just went through a never-ending season of it, but 2028 is an election year, which means President Tuberville is in the middle of a tough reelection campaign. He’s facing Democratic nominee The Rock, as well as third party candidate Josh Ted, who is actually just Josh Hawley sitting on Ted Cruz’s shoulders under a trench coat. They decided to increase efficiency and become one horrible person instead of two.
- Thanks to doctors and researchers at the University of Mississippi Medical Center, quarantine for COVID-26 only lasts six weeks due to some stuff they did with beakers, petri dishes, microscopes, and whatnot. You know, science stuff. The majority of very online Mississippi State fans are still in quarantine because they will make their lives miserable to own the Rebs.
- After sweeping through the Cannes Film Festival, the second Point Break re-make is a box office hit and seems like a lock for an Oscar.
- Banned by the FDA from 2022-2027, the McRib is back.
- Toyotathon is the United States’ version of Carnival in Brazil.
- You now only recognize the names of one to three bands on every music festival poster.
- While Twitter still doesn’t have an edit feature, it does allow you to perform citizen’s arrests on coaches who can’t manage the clock or elect to kick field goals while trailing by two touchdowns.
Who is coaching in this game?
- I’m somewhat confident that Kalani Sitake won’t be, but I don’t have a feel for who might be running the show for the Cougars. Based on the percentage of Utah’s population alone, I’ll say it’s someone with the last name of Romney.
- Lane Kiffin is also not in Provo seven years from now. Following the 2022 season, Kiffin leaves Ole Miss for UCLA, where he is given a blank check and resources to burn USC to the ground, which he will do. And yes, Tennessee fans are convinced he is coming to Knoxville to replace Josh Heupel, who is fired after two years because Tennessee.
- Tennessee goes on to hire Casey Clausen.
- As for Ole Miss, after a few successful years coaching in the Mississippi junior college circuit and two years as an SEC offensive coordinator, Dr. Bo returns to Oxford as a first-year head coach.
- I don’t want to get into what happens between Kiffin leaving and Dr. Bo arriving because it’s only going to make me mad. But let’s just say, based on Ole Miss’ history of never sustaining success over more than a few years at a time, a Hugh Freeze reboot fails (a crushing defeat to the message board crowd) and a paycheck hunting Dan Mullen burns out quite quickly.
- I should note that Mullen becomes available after being fired from Florida for inciting a riot in the stadium following a blown pass interference call in the first half against UT-Chattanooga. Oh, also, he’s REALLY into QAnon. RIP Xenu.
Who wins the game?
- Perhaps the most difficult prediction of them all, given we know nothing about future crooting classes, though Ole Miss could become Transfer Portal U.
- Prior to the game, BYU plays its hype video on the jumbotron. The video features a highlight from the last time Ole Miss and BYU played, which was one of many disasters in the Houston Nutt era.
- Inspired by the taunting and not wanting to have Ole Miss fans travel all the way to Provo to do this:
The team responds and finds an even dumber way to win a game, setting up a showdown in 2029 for the lead in the illustrious three-game series history between the two schools.