New Year’s resolutions are pretty outdated, let’s be honest.
If there’s one thing we all know about the SEC, it is that traditions just mean more, so it’s clear every SEC head football coach most likely made some resolutions for the 2022 calendar year.
As fate would have it, the incredibly Bob Woodward-like staff at Red Cup uncovered a treasure trove of New Year’s resolutions for all the head coaches at each SEC institution.
These are absolutely, 100 percent from the personal diaries of every SEC head football coach... maybe.
- Dan Mullen, Florida - acquire gainful employment. I hear Mississippi St. may have an opening soon?!
- Kirby Smart, Georgia - beat up my dad... maybe try a fortune cookie; “YALL KNOW THESE DADGUM THINGS AIN’T EVEN MADE IN CHINA!?! DO I HAVE TO EAT THE WEIRD NOODLES AND STUFF OR CAN I JUST GO STRAIGHT FOR THE COOKIE?”
- Mike Leach, Mississippi State - storm the US Capitol... again
- Brian Kelly, LSU - Eat gumbo while blowing his nose less than 25 times
- Jimbo Fisher, Texas A&M - “What if I told Ross $11 million sounds good?”
- Sam Pittman, Arkansas - call the Hogs and be only like 60 percent embarrassed he has to do this in public
- Lane Kiffin, Ole Miss - Coach a non-conference game from Boca Raton via Zoom while landing a 1,200 pound marlin
- Josh Heupel, Tennessee - ride all the roller coasters at Dollywood while smiling
- Billy Napier, also Florida - make Steve Spurrier laugh by telling the stories about how many times Mississippi State called him
- Mark Stoops, Kentucky - launch a bourbon brand called Maker’s MarkStoops
- Shane Beamer, South Carolina - whatever damn voodoo doll you pricked last year, do it again my man, wow... what a turnaround
- Eli Drinkwitz, Missouri - expand that recruiting philosophy to “get more than one or two guys who are very good at football”
- Clark Lea, Vanderbilt - let’s be honest here... Nashville is a great place to live, cash those paychecks and live it up
- Bryan Harsin, Auburn - I guess like... find a QB?
- Nick Saban, Alabama - continue to be a mindless robot coach and win all the dadgum time. Please retire you oatmeal creme pie eating, John Denver loving, swooping your hair back because it’s balding bastard.
So what’s your New Year’s resolution? Comment below or tweet @redcuprebellion with your ideas on what SEC coaches may want to tackle in 2022.