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Ruby’s Road Trip: The Auburn Plains

A real ticket to Suckville, USA.

NCAA Football: Mississippi at Auburn John Reed-USA TODAY Sports

If you’ve ever made the trip down to Auburn, then you probably know how this article is going to go.

It’s the absolute worst. I’m not sure what it is that makes it so unbearable, but it just is. This wasn’t my first time on the Plains, but it definitely will be my last.

I made the trek back in 2019 and did the whole college experience. I went to a nightclub, was tired of being bumped and left to go eat pizza. Ended up at the tailgate of someone's cousin’s best friend's mom the next day and then went into the stadium. I remember being impressed by the scenery and then pissed after the game. Ole Miss was very close to beating them but was unable to get it done.

There were no Ubers to be found, so my friends and I waited at a Taco Bell for two hours until it became available. If you have ever wondered whether paying $30 on Doritos Locos tacos was possible for one person, it is.

Things looked a little different this year. Due to the time of kickoff, I decided to just leave on Saturday morning. The drive is pretty scenic this time of year, so it really wasn’t bad. We got there at about 2 p.m. and tried to find somewhere to eat. I took to Twitter for all your best suggestions, and some of the most enticing places were already closed. Sigh.

We ended up at some random sushi place that was pretty good before working on getting to the game.

This is where things get dicey. Online, it said one of the best places to park would be at the Auburn Mall. They have transit buses that come and pick you up and then drop you back off after the game. Seemed like a decent idea, so we did it. Getting there was awesome and there were no problems.

However, after the game, it was an absolute nightmare.

There was over an hour wait just to get on to the buses. I was subject to numerous Auburn fans dissecting the win and how Auburn wasn’t supposed to win this game. (I kept my mouth shut and didn’t mention that oopsies you actually were.) The only thing that got me through these events was imagining Auburn getting absolutely obliterated by Alabama in the Iron Bowl and then losing its head coach a week later.

Once we were finally on, the bus ride took 45 minutes where it should have taken about 10. It was seriously unbelievable something could be that poorly designed. To make matters worse, I wasn’t staying in Auburn on Saturday night and thought it would be a good idea to head to Birmingham for the night.

A disappointing loss, terrible transit, 6 p.m. kickoff, and then a 2-hour drive to Birmingham after the game make a terrible combo. I drowned my sorrows with Whataburger at 2:30 a.m.

Red Cup’s very own Gray Hardison offered seasoned advice every Ole Miss fan should listen to. I received this text after the game on Saturday.

“Don’t know if you are staying in Auburn tonight, but if so congratulations on joining every other Ole Miss fan who realizes every trip to Auburn should be limited to the game and walking back to the car to leave.”

Absolutely profound.

I am not going to spend much time on the actual game playing itself, because it will only make me angry. Auburn was absolutely electric the entire game though. That stadium was so much fun and so loud it continued to be impressive.

Before kickoff, they always do the eagle flying over, and then whatever the yelling thing is called. The eagle is fine and I really wish it would have just flown away, but everything else pregame is weird. If you haven’t been to Jordan-Hare recently, then you don’t know about their absolute monster of a video board. It is incredibly convenient when you’re watching refs blown calls on replay. The crowd stayed consistently loud the entire game and was mostly full the entire time.

The very best part for me was after the game was over. The student section is on the far side and out of control. Ole Miss students, if you’re reading this, be better. As soon as they won, the overhead speaker started to play Swag Surfin’. I am an absolute sucker for this song so when I saw them all swaying and dancing to this, I was fiercely jealous.

Not to mention the entire team running over there and dancing with them. In my fury, I had to watch Smoke Monday standing up and dancing to my favorite song with the entire section. If I wasn’t so impressed, I would have been deep in my feels.

Auburn just didn’t impress me. I am being bratty about it, but I don’t care. The toilet paper in the trees is extremely cool, but everything else about Auburn can suck it.

Especially Bo Nix.

See you guys on the next Ruby’s Road Trip when I head to Starkville...