Halloween is on Sunday in case you have no children, a calendar, or live under a rock.
The annual tradition of donning costumes ranging from silly to scary or just downright odd and parading around to your neighbors just to get a little candy - it may not be popular where you are, but if you are in the suburbs, you better have a couple thousand pieces of chocolate ready.
Speaking of candy, head football coaches are similar in that their careers are mostly about building a brand. Maybe you’re the tough, defensive minded, old school hard-ass guy, or maybe you’re the single, condescending, offensive minded, connect with the players over rap music guy.
With that in mind, we put ourselves through a little exercise trying to match each SEC head coach with the Halloween candy they most represent. Here we go...
- Ed Orgeron: Butterfinger BB’s - they’ve been discontinued, but they had their popular peak and might be due a reboot one day
- Jimbo Fisher: Candied jalapenos - Texas AF, don’t you dare even think about saying jalapenos are more appropriate for Louisiana.
- Shane Beamer: Junior mints - I mean, its fine. Old school and traditional but nothing you’re really getting excited about anytime soon.
- Josh Heupel: Circus peanuts - ORANGE, oversized, and enough sugar to almost match a hit of meth, really perfect for east Tennessee.
- Dan Mullen: Sour Punch Straws - a range of outcomes from sour and gross to overly sweet all in a very short period of time.
- Nick Saban: Reese’s peanut butter cups - the GOAT whether you like it or not and also just not very flashy but classic.
- Eli Drinkwitz: Nerds - small candies that come in small packages. Annoyingly get stuck in your molar sometimes.
- Mark Stoops: Zagnut - old school, chewy, and pretty straightforward. It’s clearly not the best, but damned if it isn’t putting in an 80 hour week to try.
- Kirby Smart: Reese’s pieces - almost as good as Reese’s and a lot of 80’s nostalgia wrapped up in this brand
- Clark Lea: Payday - just keep showing up my guy, the buyout is coming one day.
- Mike Leach: Black licorice - Still has a devoted following from when it was the class of candies. Tastes really shitty in comparison to literally anything people eat in 2021.
- Sam Pittman: Sixlets - You’re disappointed when you get them and assume they’ll suck because they’re a knock off of a better candy, but then you eat them and they’re not half bad. Not great but surprisingly edible.
- Bryan Harsin: None of your business - Candy is a personal decision and it’s not something we’ll discuss out of respect for individual liberty. Disclosing this would be a HIPAA violation.
- Lane Kiffin: Candy corn - Because a lot of people still won’t publicly come around on it despite it being very good.
So there you have it, what Halloween candy are you looking forward to stealing from your children this year? Comment below or tweet @redcuprebellion with your chocolate takes.