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Scoring Ole Miss’ most famous cannonball

Through the power of a virtual meeting, we ask aquatic experts to judge the work of Lane Kiffin’s son.

When we woke up Wednesday morning, not one of us could’ve foreseen the day would bring us Ole Miss’ most successful cannonball since Jerrell Powe absolutely* executed one in Houston Nutt’s pool some years back. Thanks to Lane Kiffin’s son, the day brought just that.

*Though no video evidence exists, I believe, with all of my soul, IT HAPPENED.

Because this a once-in-a-decade moment, and we have a lot of free time, what better use of technology and calling in personal favors is there than convening a virtual meeting of aquatic experts to properly judge the cannonball’s form and splash. As you can see, we’ve brought in experts from around the world, including those with ties to Ole Miss.

Let’s meet our judges, from left to right, starting with the top row.

Tony the Landshark

Ole Miss’ most beloved mascot, who knows a thing or two about life in the water and on land.

Michael Phelps

You may remember him as the guy from the past four Summer Olympics who won, what, 154, 155 medals? Not to mention all the medals he won at those events they mention during Olympic broadcasts, but you’ve never seen them and aren’t totally sure they exist. Regardless, AN OLYMPIC AQUATIC EXPERT.

Katie Ledecky

Yet another Olympic expert who dominated and destroyed on the way to gold medals. If you’ve forgotten, she won the 800m freestyle gold at the 2016 Olympics by ELEVEN SECONDS.

LOL.

Chloe McCardel

If you’re like me, you’ve never heard of her until you search “long-ass open water swimming.” Turns out, she has managed to swim across the English Channel 29 times (AS ONE DOES), including three times in one week.

She also holds the world record for longest unassisted ocean swim, when she swam between here in just over 41 hours:

That’s essentially the length of the Highway 7 Oxford-to-Memphis route.

The Russian Judge

THERE’S ALWAYS A RUSSIAN JUDGE.

Andy Kennedy

Chris Warren

Members of the Ole Miss Club Swimming Team who practiced in Tad Smith Coliseum, this pair knows how to navigate around water.

Rowdy Gaines

Another winner of gold medals, but you probably know him best from the screaming he’s done as an analyst during the Olympic races of Phelps and Ledecky on NBC’s swimming coverage.

One of The Pigs on the Island in Fyre

The big guy knows legit splashes when he sees one.

Now that we’ve met our judges, and they’ve had time to review the cannonball footage and calculate their scores, let’s go to the scoreboard.

Tony the Landshark

Biased? Maybe. But you try pulling off a cannonball on the spot after your dad hits you with a Dad Whistle and a hurry up.

Michael Phelps

Katie Ledecky

Chloe McCardel

Fair scores from people who know what they’re doing and were also promised a chance to promote their brands, but naw, fam, ain’t no free ads around here.

The Russian Judge

YOU NO-BID CONTRACT OLIGARCH SON OF A BITCH.

Andy Kennedy

Chris Warren

AK is playing the long con in case Kiffin’s son turns out to be a basketball player of note, and he’s in need of a guard at UCLA. Always Be Crootin’.

Warren, who once did a cannonball into a 55-gallon garbage can catching rainwater in Tad Smith*, thought it was about the same as his.

*It will remain true until it’s proven not to be true.

Rowdy Gaines

Analysts tend to be tougher because they need things to talk about, such as the 1.47 degrees of over-rotation spotted in 16x slow motion.

One of The Pigs on the Island in Fyre

Not to take anything away from the cannonball, but this pig will speak highly of anyone who is not Ja Rule or Billy McFarland. The pig would also like to note that those two still owe him $500 in appearance fees.

As we move into final scoring based on Olympic scoring rules, the highest and lowest scores are thrown out, which gets rid of Tony’s 27 and the Russian Judge’s 3.2. When we average the other seven scores (note: I’m certain it’s more complicated than this, but I care not to look up any real scoring method), we have an average score of 8.78.

If you keep up with your Olympic sports, you know that’s a qualifying score for one team and one team only:

SEE YOU IN 2021.