A COVID-19 related meme has been floating around Twitter and the internet over the last few weeks that presents 5/10 groups of people and asks which “house” you would choose to join if you had to isolate yourself within one of them. One of these memes in particular has been floating around amongst me and my fellow SEC friends, creating a lot of conversation and arguments over the last week or so.
Which SEC West house are you choosing? pic.twitter.com/W4qb3q4BQN— SEC Network (@SECNetwork) April 11, 2020
I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and decided to breakdown my very scientific and completely data-driven decisions.
Which SEC isolation house would you choose?
The Gators did their best to put together an all-star lineup of fan favorites and threw some power punches with Abby Wambach and Steve Spurrier.
“They can call us cocky, arrogant, crybaby, whatever. At least they’re not calling us losers anymore. If somebody likes you too much, it’s probably because they’re beating you.”— Stephen Orr Spurrier, December 2001
The Head Ball Coach is pretty much the perfect example of someone you’d want to be stuck in a house with for an extended period of time. He knows how to have a good time and will not shy away from setting the record straight if the house gets dirty or the dishes need to be done. Spurrier is also full of stories from his history career as a Heisman winner and both a college and NFL football coach and if you get lucky he might even regale you with a story of the Orlando Apollos.
Wambach is not only the second highest all-time international goal scorer for men and women, but we like to think she doesn’t take herself too seriously when the moment allows her to let loose.
Now almost 40 years old, the prime of Wambach’s party career may be behind her, but she’s so cool that it doesn’t matter. Why wouldn’t you want to be around her?
Kelly Barnhill was dominant in the circle, but her strong leadership through difficult times is not enough to overcome the insufferable duo of Joakim Noah and Tim Tebow.
The allure of the former Gator quarterback may be fun for a couple of days, but imagine day — four? — of his mindless ramblings and constant sermons. It’s also easy to assume that he would start to cry when the stay-at-home order is extended.
Couple the former Heisman Trophy winner’s stories of “being so close to playing in the MLB” with the pure irritancy of Noah, and it’s a recipe for disaster. Noah will drive everyone in the house crazy and not think anything of it. He’s also the type of guy to help himself to the biggest portion of meals without contributing to the preparation or the cleanup.
Goldberg is the most polarizing personality here. Meh.
Benny Snell Jr. would be a blast to have around and would keep morale high amongst the bunch. His “Snell Yeah” attitude could lead to some pretty wild evenings.
Seeing as running is one of the few things that is considered okay to do outside at the moment, having an Olympic hurdler and sprinter in Sydney McLaughlin to keep everyone in shape and getting some fresh air would be a huge plus. She also has some solid dance moves and could keep everyone entertained with her Tik Toks.
Watching Rex Chapman and Anthony Davis play some one-on-one might be fun for a few days, but AD23 would win four out of five times, and he’s the most boring superstar in sports.
The kicker to the Kentucky house is Coach Calipari. Can you imagine being stuck inside with this guy?
“HEY! ENOUGH OF THE SWEATPANTS. WE DRESS FOR SUCCESS! JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE WORKING FROM HOME IS NOT AN EXCUSE!” No thank you.
Linebacker Shane Ray and distance runner Karissa Schweizer might help you fend off the “Quarantine 15” but it’s the other three that carry the Mizzou house.
Drew Lock and Sophie Cunningham might be the perfect wildcard duo that wins it for the SEC East. Beyond his deep ball, Lock is known for his excitable personality and celebrations. The dance parties may not be the most technically sound, but they’ll be fun.
His presence also guarantees a consistent playlist of straight bangers.
Cunningham is the same way on the court. Her loose and passionate play-style got under her opponents skin at times, but she’s someone you always want on your side— or in this case, in your Isolation House. Apparently she could also serenade the group when Lock’s not on the aux cord.
Michael Porter Jr. might mellow out the vibe a little bit, but in a good way. When you need a break from the craziness, Porter Jr. can put your video game skills to the test. His 2k prowess might be unbeatable, so don’t bet your shoes.
Sindarius Thornwell has the best name of the field, but doesn’t offer much of a party to a Gamecock grouping of very talented athletes. Dawn Staley and George Rogers could tell some great stories of their well-represented careers, but this house doesn’t bode well for pure fun and excitement.
This house is set up brilliantly for a backyard game of hoops. Any combination of Grant Williams and Candace Parker vs. Tamika Catchings and Admiral Schofield is a legendary matchup that allows you to face-off with Peyton Manning as the third man.
Sounds like a great way to pass the time to me.
The Commodores are the clear-cut favorites. Jay Cutler leads the way here as someone you’d want to get a beer with and will always provide a laugh with his dry sense of humor and who gives a damn attitude.
“Smokin’ Jay” is the perfect mix of chill and wild that could keep you sane throughout an extended period of isolation. Dansby Swanson comes from the baseball world, which is a great place to start. He adds an equally lax attitude to the bunch, and seems like someone who is always well-spirited and up for a good time.
Clips of Dansby Swanson set to I Believe in a Thing Called Love, have a good day. pic.twitter.com/nxUfSVDUdP— handlit33 (@handlit33) January 30, 2020
Neither Derek Mason, Simone Charley and Kumar Rocker seem like they would cause any issues and would allow for the vibe to continue. Sanity is important during a time of close-quartered interaction and this house would get along well.
Jay Cutler wins this one on his own.
From everything we’ve seen, Mark Ingram II looks like an absolutely hilarious person. He always has his boys’ backs which is important in a time of quarantine, and always wants to be the life of the party.
He’s not afraid to let loose and won’t get too serious. Big Truss woo woo.
Fellow football star Tua Tagovailoa joins Ingram with his positive outlook on life, and brings a Hawaiian spirit to quarantine. The happy go lucky personality is big in a time where joy is necessary, and he could provide some late night entertainment on the ukulele.
Colin Sexton and Haylie McCleney both are strong additions to the Alabama house, each seeming to be fun people to be around as well. However, Nick Saban poses the same problem as John Calipari for Kentucky, and might actually make it worse.
Saban is technologically incompetent, so his video game or internet perusing value is absolutely none, if not a significant deduction as he asks all kinds of questions about how to use email while you’re trying to watch something. His demeanor does not appear fun to be around, and he would be a curmudgeon without the ability to recruit or watch film. He might even make you hand over the TV remote so he could watch practice tape. Hell no.
If the good times had in Jerry Jones’ isolation house is anything like parties on his $2.5 million bus, count us in. Also wouldn’t be so bad to have his checkbook for delivery and takeout.
Honestly, I don’t know Ruthie Bolton’s story or personality, but on google search alone she seems like a total badass. With that being said, this is a legendary house and it might have the most pure athletic talent in the entire SEC. But that’s not what we’re talking about here.
Charles Barkley would be an absolute riot to be around. The laughs would never stop. Key.
Bo Jackson and Frank Thomas could provide some interesting tales from their playing days, and would keep up well with Barkley’s banter and be able to get him to relax when he’s being too much. Pretty solid core three.
Obviously, Joe Burrow knows a thing or two about living.
Add Alex Bregman to the bunch, and you have two dudes that love to have fun. Your house would never be a bore with those two right there. But the LSU house is not done!
Dr. Shaquille O’Neal provides as much entertainment as Charles Barkley, but steps it up a notch as DJ Diesel. He has proved his worth during this quarantine one already.
Track and field star turned bobsledder Lolo Jones is another welcomed addition to the LSU house with her willingness to let loose and have fun of her own. The only worry there is her ability to co-exist in a quarantined space, which we have seen can go south during her time on Big Brother.
Coach O is questionable here. He is likely a positive as someone high-energy to add to the party, but he might be a little bit too intense. Just so long as he doesn’t bang bass drums to wake you up at 5:00am or make you have a full practice in the backyard, Orgeron might be the perfect glue to tie the house together.
Dak Prescott will invite more than 10 people, which puts you at a health risk and violates legal protocol. Nope.
It’s the perfect balance. Marshall Henderson is wild and crazy, Archie Manning is dignified, full of wisdom and loves him a late night cocktail, Eli is the fun-loving party dad, Patrick Willis keeps everyone’s spirits up and Kaitlin Lee is the sweet female presence who won’t take shit from anyone.
The only negative could be Marshall going off the rails, but he has dialed it back since his Vegas and Oxford days. There is no better mix of personalities.
The Bald Mamba. Need we say more?
Winner: Ole Miss, duh
There isn’t one person in this house that you would be disappointed to see.
Non-OM Winner: LSU
This house would have some fun and we all know it.