Along with having to put no effort into your personal appearance, one of the more positive gifts of this quarantine is the time available to watch a show like Tiger King. With so many hours free, it’s perfectly normal to spend two nights immersed in the mostly insane world of private zoos.
If you’ve watched the Netflix series, you’re familiar with the people who helped build this world, the big cat industry, and the practice of charging top dollar to pet baby tigers. If you haven’t watched, please do, so the rest of us don’t appear as unstable in your eyes when we say things like “Joe Exotic”, “that’s a lot of felonies”, and “definitely fed her husband to the tigers.”
Because the world of Tiger King is a small circle filled with absurdity, crime, backstabbing, unethical behavior, hiding bodies, #madonline, unqualified people given way too much responsibility, and financial transactions hidden from the authorities, it’s easy to see the similarities between it and the SEC.
That got us thinking, which characters in this series represent each SEC school? Well, friends, we’ve got the list no one asked for right here.
Joe Exotic - Ole Miss
A self-destructive person who refuses to have a Come To Jesus meeting about how he is actually his own worst enemy but instead revels in delusions of grandeur? Yes, please and thank you.
When he operates outside of the rules, he makes little to no effort to hide it, which lands him in federal prison, a distant cousin of NCAA Supermax Prison.
He’s fond of pastels, lawsuits, firing AK-47s into a lake, and blowing up Tannerite for fun, all of which fall under the Ole Miss tent.
Carole Baskin - Mississippi State
She is Joe Exotic’s bitter rival and functions as a Joe Exotic compliance blogger. Snitchin’, practicing her holier-than-thou routine, and playing the same dirty game of making money off big cats and baby tiger-petting are her favorite activities.
She has an army of keyboard warriors who are ready to crawl up in the mentions of anyone who types “Joe Exotic” and doesn’t follow it with “is the devil”.
Oh, and she totally killed her first husband, much like Mississippi State does to media members who refused to be trained.
Dr. Bhagavan “Doc” Antle - Alabama
Wildly successful in the crooked game, yet he’s adamant everything in his empire is done on the up and up. To his credit, he’s never faced prosecution for serious infractions, only secondary violations for bumping into tigers he had no idea would be in their school’s weight room.
He’s also turned his operation into sort of a spiritual movement, with everyone he employs devoted to him and some not in a good way. But he built a monster, as fans pour through the gates, shelling out hundreds and hundreds of dollars to be a part of the show.
Seriously, that one guy who spent $600+ TWICE IN THE SAME WEEK?
Sir, get some damn help.
Jeff Lowe - LSU
Although Jeff Lowe is the most Florida Man without being a Florida Man, he represents LSU because you can’t defraud a hospital to pay croots unless you have previous fraud experience, which he does!
And then there was the scheme where he put tiny Mike the Tigers in suitcases and wheeled them up to fancy Las Vegas hotel rooms for private petting parties.
If he ever lives in Louisiana, his story will involve being arrested over a scheme that involves Powerball tickets and gas station male enhancement pills, which will have his picture on the bottle.
After serving 26 months in prison, he will be elected governor.
James Garrettson - Arkansas
He’s a snitch as well, which should make him represent a school that’s better at recruiting, but the haircut says Northwest Arkansas and overpowers everything else.
However, he’s not above getting in dirty in the business, but he only does small time things like selling stolen trucks and having an illegal pet lemur that hangs out in his store.
Speaking of his store, he takes a no-showing-off approach, even refusing to put up a sign that says “This Is A Store”. That vanilla, DOING IT THE RIGHT WAY lifestyle makes him a lifelong Arkansas baseball fan.
HawgzzzDMac6969: “Gotta be honest, the ‘Open’ sign is a little much.”
Expired Walmart Meat - Vanderbilt
Garbage that is fed to the tigers to keep them alive. You’re not getting to the Birmingham Bowl or NIT without a delicious helping of Commodore with processed gravy that was meant to be eaten before 2018.
Howard Baskin - Georgia
Harold seems like a reasonable fellow until you remember he’s married to Carole, which means he’s going to start talking about tiger things at a blistering pace. Do you care about these tiger things? No, you do not.
Nevertheless, Harold presses on. You listen to details about their wonderful efforts, the tigers’ diet, and how they’re changing the big cat game.
All the optimism ends with another loss to South Carolina and Harold having a meet and greet with Carole’s tigers.
Mario Tabraue - Florida
Tabraue served 12 years in prison for smuggling drugs, which is about how long the Will Muschamp era felt to Florida fans.
Since being released from prison, Tabraue has re-branded, trading the drug business for an exotic pet-related enterprise.
While not interesting, Dan Mullen is an exotic pet compared to life in the 8x10 cell of Muschamp.
Kelci “Saff” Saffery - Kentucky
There is nothing more Kentucky football than going through a traumatic, life-changing event and showing back up at the scene of said trauma five days later, as if nothing happened.
Shouldn’t you take a breather, maybe use the fact that your ARM GOT TORN OFF BY A TIGER to have a few weeks off your feet at home?
NOPE. BRING ME MORE PAIN.
This also works because Kentucky, in the last half of the 2019 season, ran the single-wing offense with Lynn Bowden Jr. and—
[parachutes into the abyss]
John Reinke - Texas A&M
Reinke, like Texas A&M fans, comes across as someone who has a good perspective on things and hasn’t been overtaken by the nastiness that surrounds him. While that’s to be admired, it also means he’s a big enough sucker to buy a stolen vehicle from an SEC West school.
Joshua Dial - Missouri
Like John Reinke, Dial walked into Joe Exotic’s world believing he could help. That belief landed him in the middle of multiple NCAA investigations, the last of which he fully cooperated with and got dunked on by the guardians from Indianapolis.
When you’re regretting every decision you’ve ever made:
Rick Kirkham - Auburn
Kirkham is an established name who wants you to believe he’s legit. Never mind that he’s hitched his wagon to
Joe Exotic’s star, which is Auburn Family-speak for we will try anything (ANYTHING) if it helps us keep pace with Alabama.
His reaction to Joe Exotic burning down the building that contained additional footage of Joe Exotic doing Joe Exotic things was that of Auburn’s coaching staff finding out the guy they paid well to quite well is going to Alabama.
Erik Cowie - South Carolina
Much like Will Muschamp, Erik also found his job on Craigslist.
And, much like South Carolina fans, Erik keeps showing up to work, despite knowing it’s going to suck.
Allen Glover - Tennessee
On the surface, a hardcore individual who can flex the muscles, point to his teardrop tattoo, and try to make you afraid.
Underneath, a dude who doesn’t need the stress of committing murder (but will take your money), just wants to relax in his tub with no water, and is too old for this shit.