As the resident Keith Carter fanboy who never ever, ever, ever, ever thought hiring him was a terrible idea* that reeked of Good Ol’ Boys and backslaps, I am always locked in to what our Matt Luke-firing, Lane Kiffin-hiring athletic director is up to. Earlier this week, Carter released a recap of his first 100 days in the chair once occupied by such visionary titans as Pete Boone, Warner Alford, and every Kinard who ever lived.
*Wait, what? No, stop looking over there. Nothing to see there. Hackers! Hacking! The guy who posted the Laremy Tunsil gas mask bong video!
In said recap, Carter dropped this note:
From a development standpoint, the roadmap will begin with closing out Forward Together and exploring prospects of a new capital campaign that would center around major renovations to Vaught-Hemingway.
If you recall, the last major renovation and expansion to the stadium occurred in 2016 when the north end zone was bowled in, creating the new student section and paving the way for Party Deck Catering tents. Prior to that, there were renovations to the south end zone fancy folks section in 2015, the building of the club levels and stands in the south end zone in 2002, and the addition of the Rebel Club and seats to the east stands in 1998.
The projects in 2002 and 1998 were also major renovations that increased capacity and opened the door for more people to the world of liquor lockers in the stadium. As a brief aside, given what Ole Miss puts us through year after year, everyone with a ticket should have a liquor locker in that stadium.
Anyhow, even if the fund raising calls started tomorrow, any renovations would be several years away from beginning, unless there’s a big tobacco lawsuit settlement on the horizon. However, because we’re not cowards, we’re not afraid to explore the space of renovation ideas.
(1) Invest In C-4 And Let’s Cook
While not an option that will be considered by those in charge, blowing up the cathedral of disappointment and despair checks in at number one. First, watching a large structure collapse on itself in a controlled explosion is always a good time.
Second, LET MY PAIN BE RELEASED. While there have been many good times in the stadium, the horror dominates. Watching that place turn into rubble would heal my heart for at most 4.2 seconds. TOTALLY WORTH IT.
We need a new place for wailing and gnashing of teeth, but now it could be state-of-the-art wailing and gnashing of teeth.
(2) Architectural Symmetry
Whether we blow the stadium up or try to clean up the facade with the root of the problem still festering away (the Ole Miss way!), we could have a building with the slightest degree of architectural symmetry. Right now, all four directional stands look nothing alike, from the outside or inside the stadium.
The west stands are 358 years old, with a press box and club seats that have seen better days. The lower east stands are a replica of the west, with a more claustrophobic concourse, but club seats that are housed in a structure that is best described as “it’s 1998, and we’re never expanding again so don’t think about how this could tie in to future expansions or renovations. You do you, architecture firm.”
The south end zone looks nothing like the rest of the stadium, and the north end zone is a monument to the bridge you’re driving over was built by the lowest bidder. Maybe this can all change with major renovations, or, at the very least, two of the four sections can match, which would achieve the level of not as bad as before!
Bring The Grove into the stadium with one giant U FANCY chandelier hovering over everyone.
How would it work? Sorry, friends, I didn’t go to engineering school because that sounded hard.
My guess, which would certainly lead to property damage, injuries, and/or deaths, is that you could use sky cam-like wires, and it might be okay. Again, potential damage/injury/death. Might want to build a prototype.
Outside of the added CLASS and SOPHISTICATION, opposing fan diaper-fillers, who hate The Grove and the idea of people having a good time, wouldn’t be able to avoid it.
(4) Bag Men Recruitment Centers
Always Be Crootin’ People Who Can Help Always Be Crootin’.
(4) Bag Women Recruitment Centers
No reason women with disposable incomes and a desire to help the football program can’t join the burner phone/cash money action. The idiots who couldn’t fly under the NCAA radar during the Freeze era were all men, so a change would probably be a good thing.
As a bonus, we would get to hear tales of a racist NCAA investigator pressing a bag woman for details about how a black player could be driving a nice car, and her responding with a half-smile and saying, “Bless your little heart”, before walking out of the room.
(6) BRING BACK COOP DEVILLE, YOU COWARDS
A Ranchero and fries in the first quarter, followed by diarrhea late in the third quarter? WHO WOULD TURN THAT DOWN.
Let’s be realistic though. If you order a sandwich in the first quarter, it’s not going to be ready until the second quarter of the next home game.
TRUE STORY TIME: Once had a Coop delivery driver show up, not knock but open the door, walk right in, and go around the room introducing himself to everyone while holding the bags of food. If you are of the old school variety, you probably have a good idea who this driver was.
(7) More Grove In The Stadium
We’re familiar with the PoweTron above the student section, but what about the mini-PoweTrons in the corners of the south end zone. Let’s go full Grove and have those show games that three-foot satellite dishes can bring us.
Oh, Ole Miss is losing to Auburn by three touchdowns? Let me turn my attention to a potential Kentucky +8.5 backdoor cover. CASH TICKETS, STACK PAPER.
(7) Memphis In The Stadium
How about Corky’s ribs on ribs on ribs on ribs on ribs on ribs in the stadium? THE PEOPLE NEED TO EAT.
(9) Tunica In The Stadium
Ole Miss has a 21-point lead and I can go to a window and bet [Opponent] +10.5? Fam, we’re about to pay for that upcoming vacation.
(10) Let Handy Andy Cook
I, for one, would eat Handy Andy off of dirt. However, in this instance, that seems unnecessary, as they could have a booth or whatever that serves up deliciousness to the people, without a dirt coating.
If they couldn’t avoid the dirt coating, I would still wait in line for 20 minutes and eat it.