We’re all looking for things, no matter how serious, dumb, or VERY dumb, to get us to tomorrow, the day after that, and so on.
Whatever helps eat the clock, because even after washing your hands five times a day, you’ve only burned 100 seconds of 24 hours, assuming you followed the official CDC guidelines* for hand washing.
*Upon seeing the official video on how to properly wash your hands, I realized I had never properly washed my hands in my life. What a streak I had going until a few weeks ago. RIP, germ hands streak.
To take up more time, you could try washing your hands to the 13-minute live version of “Freebird”, but that seems like it would have adverse effects on the skin (important but obvious note: I know nothing about dermatology). Plus, when they stop singing and give us 4,000% guitar, water and soap would start flying everywhere, creating yet another mess among the other messes.
The list below doesn’t have a theme, other than being Ole Miss-related. They’re also in no particular order because the keeper of the YouTube crypt is not exactly organized. Also, the person who did the searching is very much unorganized.
With that, may you have no buffering for these fine pieces of internet.
Highlights of That Time Ole Miss Beat Idaho, 59-14
Do what now? This happened?
I mean, I know it’s probably not the fake news by the fakest people, but my recollection of this is zero. It’s most likely not fake because the production costs to convince people an Ole Miss/Idaho game that never happened did in fact happen would be outrageous and a waste.
Turns out, Idaho at that time was coached by Paul Petrino, brother of Bobby. Two weeks later, Ole Miss would beat the second of the brothers Petrino, 34-24 in Oxford.
The Houston Nutt Mascot Speech
Huge “I’m here because Pete told me I had to be” energy. Etched among history’s greatest inspirational quotes from speeches, you shall find:
...and, uh, get us one.
LET US CHARGE THE GATES OF HELL FOR THIS MAN.
The Steve Sloan Farewell Press Conference
Sloan was hired as head football coach in 1978 and got off to a white-hot start, with five consecutive losing seasons. After the 1982 season, he was fired/took the Duke job*
*Most likely took the Duke job because the Ole Miss athletic department in those days needed to see at least a decade of incompetence before considering making a change.
Upon Sloan taking the Duke job, Ole Miss held a press conference for him to announce he was leaving. That this is remotely interesting is because of what happened once it started.
Sloan started crying and couldn’t stop, to the point the press conference was halted to give him time to gather himself. When Sloan stood up to leave the room, GOOD LORD:
WE’RE OUT HERE HOLDING A MAJOR PRESS CONFERENCE IN FRONT OF TWO CHALKBOARDS IN A CLASSROOM, WITH A COLONEL REB PLAQUE/WOODWORKING THING YOU CAN BUY OFF 1982 ETSY.
Why, I have no idea as to the reason behind Ole Miss being bad in nearly every sport for the better part of two decades.
After 12 minutes, Sloan was unable to return to the room, but he did send in sports information director Langston Rogers read his statement.
DON’T HURT ‘EM, CHICKEN HAWK.
Sloan was finally able to return to Bishop/Guyton 101 and finish his statement. More importantly, it wasn’t Colonel Reb on the plaque!
It was Tony, the original Ole Miss mascot!
Warner Alford, then Ole Miss athletic director, also spoke, saying how it might be difficult to get an established head coach because we are currently having a major press conference in front of two chalkboards in a classroom and money is definitely an issue.
Somewhat related, here’s 1982 Warner Alford as he’s being told how his career will end in 1994:
BONUS SAD IMAGE:
The assembled masses really enjoying the 12’ x 20’ room.
Highlights of the 1975 Team
If you want to watch 18 minutes of grainy footage, with no sound other than a steady crackle, of a 6-5 team that did not go to a bowl game, you can!
If you do watch, the latter part of the video should have more highlights, as the ‘75 team opened with losses to Baylor, Texas A&M, and Tulane, before going 6-2 the rest of the way.
This Moment in Tech History
Just a reminder, as per federal regulations, that Houston Nutt lost to Louisiana Tech, 27-7, on November 12, 2011. Though Ole Miss’ season did not end until November 26th, that was the last game in which a Nutt team scored a touchdown.
(LOL at that first touchdown in the highlights.)
Speaking of Bad, Really Bad!
While it may stink to be trapped in your home, it could be worse, as you could be in Tiger Stadium watching Ole Miss get torn limb from limb in 1970.
PRO TIP: If this is the look on your starting quarterback’s face prior to a game, I’d say a 61-17 loss sounds about right.
FIGHT, FIGHT FIGHT
We need a little pick-me-up after those last two, so how about a good ol’ fashioned brawl, featuring the ejection of Ole Miss’ kicker.
David Kellum Prior to David Kellum
Found while scouring the aisle of “1980s broadcasts with clunky graphics”, this comes from the pre-game video of the 1986 Ole Miss/Tennessee game. Two weeks before this game, Ole Miss won in Baton Rouge against LSU, thanks to a late missed field goal.
David Kellum Prior to David Kellum would have to be pried loose from the ceiling.
Seems Like a Really Good Idea
In 1979, Ole Miss played LSU in Jackson because Vaught-Hemingway Stadium was the epicenter of leprosy or something. Also, it might’ve been a trash stadium.
Anyway, at one point in this game, Ole Miss was driving when John Fourcade completed a pass to a receiver who was knocked out of bounds after a solid gain. As you’ll see, one of the LSU defenders went crashing through a PLASTIC/WOODEN POLICE BARRIER THAT IS LIKE 2.3 YARDS FROM THE SIDELINE.
Was momentum not a scientific law in 1979? Did science exist in 1979? Was science a part of the DAGGUM liberal agenda invented in 1992?
Really solid work, game operations people in 1979.
Special shout-out to the Ole Miss male cheerleader ruthlessly taunting a person with a lower back injury.
Following Kermit Davis’ Lead
As much as we like to besmirch our usual routines, we need the usual routines. They keep the mind occupied, prevent us from finding even dumber ways to waste time, and help the clock move.
So when that’s taken away, it’s natural to be frustrated. In some cases but not often, there’s nothing wrong with an occasional ripping off the sports coat, spiking it off the nearest scorer’s table, and letting nearby referees know that they are, in fact, garbage.
Friends, stay safe, make good decisions, and wash your hands*.
*To “Freebird” if you’re willing to explore the space.