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Red Cup Investigates: Why hasn’t Lane Kiffin bought a house in Oxford?

According to sources, the Ole Miss head coach has yet to get out of the renting game. We attempt to find out why.

Gray Hardison-Red Cup Rebellion

As fans who watched an NCAA investigation into our school’s football program last half a decade, we at Red Cup Rebellion know a thing or two about investigations motivated to find or create evidence no matter what it takes. This investigation into Lane Kiffin’s housing situation is that type of investigation, minus the racism*, coaching and feeding witnesses, and making up the rules as we go.

*“hoW cAn A bLaCk PeRSoN dRiVe a NiCe cAr??!?!111/?/11/”

Lane Kiffin has been Ole Miss’ head coach since December (bless you, Keith Carter), yet he has not bought a palatial estate on which to rest, relax, log on to Twitter dot com, and entertain croots. To find out why, we also launched a five-year investigation* and found what we were looking for before we started.

*By five years, I mean the better part of a Wednesday afternoon.

To begin, let’s recall that previous Ole Miss coaches have all owned a house in Oxford or in the surrounding area. I once saw David Cutcliffe smoking in his car in the old Kroger parking lot, and while I have no idea where he lived, he definitely had a house because you know Mrs. Cutcliffe wasn’t going to let the stench of heaters get anywhere near it.

Houston Nutt had the big house with land on which croots rode four-wheelers and listened to him tell tales of what plays he called. We all know Ed Orgeron had a house because he wanted to fight the people living in the house next to his.

Matt Luke lived in a house that also loved Ole Miss, and finally, Hugh Freeze had a house because I remember seeing it on an episode of The Season. It’s unclear at this time if that house was the scene of a phone call or 20 to set up an appointment at a Tampa area massage parlor. I would refer you to Ole Miss compliance blogger Steve Robertson to answer any questions on that matter.

According to sources’ sources’ sources, Lane Kiffin is currently splitting his time between a room in the Pike house that was vacated due to roommates being expelled for felony drug charges and a room on the second floor of the Student Union because only like 11 people ever have been on the second floor.

So why, after nearly four months in Oxford, is he living in such squalor? Is he already planning for a quick exit? Does he not want to invest in his community? IS HE ALREADY THE HEAD COACH OF THE BROWNS?

To answer this question, we traveled to his past places of residence in Los Angeles, Tuscaloosa, and Boca Raton to see what his preferred houses look like. After you see the photographic evidence we collected, you’ll understand his lack of homeownership is because Oxford’s tiny house market is non-existent.

Unless it’s a tiny house, Lane Kiffin SHALL NOT get his much needed shut-eye and relaxation within those walls.

BEHOLD: His homes across the country, beginning in Los Angeles with a sweet spot beneath a famous landmark.

A difficult daily climb (ACTIVATE THE GLUTES) but a pretty sweet view.

He later moved to a quiet spot beneath the Santa Monica Pier.

Did things get a little dicey at high tide? NO DOUBT. But the natural ocean sound machine is totally worth it.

His last spot in the City of Angels was in the side yard of the Griffith Observatory.

Again, not easy to reach, but you can’t put a price on that view!

After moving back to the South to coach at Alabama, he found a cozy spot right next to Gallettes in Tuscaloosa.

Probably not the best of decisions, but you can’t beat the price and being able to walk to work. No better way to sweat out the alcohol!

After a chat with Nick Saban that was more along the lines of lots of sentences of hollerin’ broken up by AIGHTs, Kiffin found a spot in a quiet section of the Quad.

Upon taking the Florida Atlantic job, Kiffin went house-hunting in Boca Raton. The real estate agents in Boca kindly informed him that naw, fam, no tiny houses set next to pristine waters here. Gotta pay the big bucks.

Kiffin, the adapter that he is, did just that. He bought the multi-million dollar house and found a spot for his residence.

The point of all of this is give the man his tiny house options, Oxford real estate market (preferably not in the basement of the Tad Pad)! He needs a place to reset and recharge on our return to the glory of the Birmingham Bowl.