Halloween is nearly here, so if you’re a parent, your children have already begun bringing home candy from school, friends’ houses, church, and probably secretly have an IV of nectar they break out every night when you think they’re sleeping.
But beyond the “Basic Witch” coffee mugs your wife may have in hand and the decor and pageantry of October 31st, there’s a group a lot of folks forget about on the holidays — SEC football coaches. Undoubtedly, if you live nearby one of these guys, you’re taking your kids by their porch. I mean they’re wealthy, they’re famous, surely they’ll be handing out some good stuff, right?
Well, the crack investigative team at Red Cup has dug up what every coach is planning to hand out to trick-or-treaters this year. Some of these will horrify or surprise you.
Drop that “Thriller” track with the creepy Vincent Price monologue and laugh in it!
If you’re just a regular kid or “normie” as he calls them, you’re getting an apple. If you’re an Under Armour All-American, you’re getting the keys to a slightly used Chevy Camaro or Dodge Charger.
It’s just a three-year test drive situation, alright?
Hollers “YESSSIIRRRR” while 30-50 feral hogs chase every child off his porch.
Fun size candy bars for the kids. Bitcoin shares for SEC officials who are out trick-or-treating.
Mrs. Megan is hosting her annual kissing booth again this year. Come on up, kiddos!
“What’d Mr. Saban give you?! No, yeah, I can do that too! I promise it’ll be just as good, no BETTER! COME BACK!!”
Mounds candy bars...again. You walk away pretty satisfied but also disappointed every year.
A donation in your name to the Our Lady of the Lake Children’s Hospital...wow, that’s really thoughtful and charitable of you to think of others and totally not benefit from it in ANY WAY.
Those like black and orange wax paper things that everyone is like “wtf is this?” But you say thank you, because your parents are giving you that look — everyone knows it’s going in the trash and yet it keeps happening every year.
Stop being so boring and safe CoMo, for Pete’s sake.
A roll of pennies and a wink. You know where to send those pennies, kids. Also, here’s the door code to my TikTok house.
“You see kids, Halloween and its successor Dia De Los Muertos as they know it south of the border is really a celebration of the dead. It’s an existential crises and crying out from long ago when folks used to sit around staring at cave drawings and wanted to be the man in the painting, but they knew they could only imagine how they too could one day kill the buffalo and be the hero. Kids, go be a fireman, go be a superhero, heck just don’t go be an attorney or some kind of wacky Democrat, ok? This day is really about living, and of course the corporate shills at the candy companies who shove this crap down our throats, it’s really them using high fructose corn syrup to...” As he drones on, kids just slowly walk away with no candy and Leach not noticing.
[punches everyone in the face when they arrive]
Hands out Pop Rocks, but they are homemade and just rocks he found in the yard.
I tell you what it’s not going to be is daggum asparagus. Yeah, we can’t get over him not knowing about asparagus.
“Oh heck kids, is it Halloween again? Gosh, um, what’s a candy bar cost nowadays like $10? $20? Look here’s a hundo for your time, thanks so much for coming out!”
100 Grand candy bars. “This is what the other coaches meant when they said to give out 100 grand every chance you get, right?”
So what do you think coaches will be giving out this Halloween? What candy will you 100 percent steal from your kids bag this year? Comment below or tweet @redcuprebellion with your Halloween themed opinions.