With video and reports from Saturday’s double secret football scrimmage unavailable to the masses, and having burned through all remaining available football content in last week’s masterpiece, we find ourselves exploring the space beyond this dog and pony show’s normal boundaries.
Classes at Ole Miss start next week, which marks the beginning of the fall semester. For the incoming freshmen, Monday, August 26th will be the start of what are hopefully four* successful years of college.
*Though there is nothing wrong with a victory lap or two.
To acknowledge the first step of this journey, the Power Rankings is spending this week recalling distant memories hidden in a fog bank in order to rank the best parts of freshman year. For those who fall into the Venn diagram intersection of Red Cup Rebellion Reader and Incoming Freshman, the following may provide you with some knowledge, hope, and despair to carry in to Day One.
(1) Grades That Get You to Spring Semester
PRO TIP: You can’t have a full freshman year if you don’t make it to spring semester.
There’s nothing like knowing you were able to function somewhat as an adult for four months and, at the very least, meet the minimum requirements for continuing life as a college student. Does this mean you matured in any meaningful way? LOL, no.
If you’re about to enter your first fall semester and need more motivation, I will tell you that Oxford in the spring (once you get by the trash of January and February) is one of the better places you can be. It’s more relaxed than the fall, the weather is spectacular, and vibrant colors abound.
You’ve also got basketball games that are way less time consuming that football games, and baseball games in the sunshine where you can take in the bunts and failure to meet expectations. You don’t want to miss that steady disappointment!
(2) Grades That Get You to Fall Semester
FINISH THE DRILL.
After successfully maintaining the smoke and mirrors operation for fourth months in the fall, you can’t have the charade fall apart this early. That’s what later in life is for!
(3) Moving Out of the Dorm
I lived in Stockard (2ND FLOOR, STAND UP) my freshman year and got to experience:
- Having a cold/cough for 6 months
- Bringing a mouse to my parent’s house via a laundry bag
- Living with standing pools of urine that came up through the hallway tile floor because of leaky pipes (the good news was, after about a week, you no longer smelled the urine)
0 stars out of 5.
(4) Talking to a Cop About the Pools of Urine
One night during the several weeks of urine pools, myself and others were playing video games in my dorm room. The door was open, and a police officer appeared in the doorway. The conversation went as follows:
“Has somebody been frying some fish?”
“No, not that we know of.”
“It smells like somebody has been frying some fish.”
“There’s some urine out there in the hallway.”
“Oh, yeah, it does smell a little bit like feces in here.”
(5) Reintroducing Naps into Your Life
After cruelly being forced to leave your pre-first grade lifestyle behind some years ago, it’s nice to welcome back an old friend into your life. A morning nap and an afternoon nap? ELITE nap options.
(6) Free Time
Turns out, when you don’t have to be in school from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. every day, you’ve got some time to kill. Now, none of this time has been or will ever be spent wisely, but wasting time is an important life skill to learn.
When you sharpen that craft, it will allow you to one day make things like this:
(7) Skipping That First Class
I’m not talking about the first time you were too sick, tired, or hungover. I’m talking about when you’re sitting in the union or anywhere on campus, it’s 10 minutes until class starts, and you say NOT TODAY, EDUCATION OVERLORDS.
Then, after powerfully exercising your freedom to do as you please, you go flush that extra hour down the toilet via nap, video games, or mindless time on the world wide web dot com.
(see: (6) Free Time)
(8) Good Parking Spot at Stockard/Martin
I never experienced the parking situation at other dorms, but if you got a good spot here, it was an understood rule you didn’t drive for at least a week. Yes, it defeats the purpose of having a good spot but lording it over others is much more important.
(9) Flex Dollar Management at the End of a Semester
A true pro could RIDE THE SNAKE and have that balance hit zero or under 10 cents on the last day.
(10) Never Walking up the Hill from Stockard/Martin Again
GET THOSE TRASH-ASS STEPS OUT OF MY LIFE. I WILL WALK 11 MILES FROM A COMMUTER LOT BEFORE I EVER WALK AT A 45-DEGREE ANGLE AGAIN.