Though we have a couple of weeks to go, we’ve nearly finished the wandering in the wilderness* that is July and August. Whatever happens when we clear the wilderness, good, bad, or it’s fine, we’ll have a steady diet of content on which to dine (under chandeliers obvs) until next May or June.
*Hugh Freeze antennae activated and currently checking his Twitter mentions, sliding into our DMs and blessing our hearts
The non-bottom-of-the-barrel content starts this week, as the fine folks involved with Ole Miss VID-YA production spent the last week videoing everything in sight. This included scenes from Week One of the football team’s fall camp and Meet the Rebels Day, which should’ve offered vouchers of some kind for people excited enough about Ole Miss athletics to carve out a few hours of their Saturdays and attend the festivities.
After careful review of these videos, I determined that, in fact, there was enough material here to cobble together a Power Rankings. Granted, I also got a Power Rankings out of Rich Rod’s scooter performance, which should remind you that your subscription to this website is worth every penny we take out of your bank account each month.
With that, let’s get to this week’s Power Rankings.
(1) PARTY DECKS AHOY
We see you, areas for student socializing. It was fun to make the initial jokes, but given that the product on the field isn’t going to be great this year, it’s at least an attempt to add something to what will probably be a sub-optimal experience.
Who knows if party deck fever will sweep across campus, but there’s a pretty good chance we’ll get at least one TV shot of a bro, by himself, leaning on the railing and taking a long drag on a heater in the fourth quarter of a 24-point loss to LSU.
(2) Eye Discipline
SURELY YOU JEST.
While the defense will likely still struggle, I subscribe to the theory that they will dramatically reduce the number of explosive plays surrendered. Opposing offenses may average in the high 20s in terms of points scored, but the days of 40-yard gash runs, followed by 30-yard gash runs may be over.
(3) Izzy Gusik’s Fire Tomato Take
With a quote that will perhaps tear this website apart, the Ole Miss volleyball player delivers the most truthful take ever offered about people who like tomatoes:
If you can’t watch the video, here’s the take:
“Tomato lovers, you’re disgusting.”
When Ole Miss volleyball goes undefeated this year, this will be the reason why. ALL HAIL TEAM TOMATOES ARE SOGGY TRASH AND MAKE EVERYTHING ELSE AROUND THEM WORSE.
(4) 2 Corral 2 Furious
Related, I approve of every taunting penalty Matt Corral gets during his Ole Miss career. GREAT PLAYERS AND TEAMS TAUNT.
(5) Octavious Cooley’s Beard
Let that thing cook for a few more weeks, and we could have a challenger to former Ole Miss basketball player Kenny Williams’ masterpiece.
(6) Matt Luke’s Vertical
If you were to play against Matt Luke in pickup basketball, he would 100 percent post your weak ass up, hit you with the body to create some space, and destroy you with his baby hook shot.
(7) Defenders Around the Ball? Defenders Around the Ball!
Did I say high 20s in points given up per game? MARK IT DOWN AT 25.7.
(8) Ice Tub and Popsicles
What if the whole tub were filled with popsicles? Besides the horrific stickiness, it would b- no, immediate stop, terrible idea. Popsicle stickiness on your hands times 1,000 is trauma no one needs.
(9) Tony’s Coloring Discipline
While not our beloved bear (RIP), Tony the Landshark celebrated his birthday among those he was intended to entertain. And you bet your country ass he knows how to color between the lines.
/builds a power plant that supplies power to thousands of cities because it runs on the fury of grown-ass adults who fill their diapers over a cartoon shark, yet would sell all of their possessions to bring back a garbage TURDISHUNS mascot (established in 1979!) because MUH HERITAGE SOMETHING SOMETHING
(10) Matt Luke Shacket Extension
The ad wizards at Nike have clearly taped on sleeves to Luke’s signature shacket, and I, for one, DO NOT LIKE IT. However, I will chalk it up to a power move by Luke because at any moment he could decide to let the guns breathe, which gives him control of every situation.