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Ole Miss Power Rankings: SEC Media Days Edition

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The Landshark Leaderboard goes on an all-chain-restaurant diet in Hoover and now has to give up sodium for the next 25 years.

Alabama v Mississippi Photo by Jonathan Bachman/Getty Images

After two weeks off to recharge the batteries and wait for any content that would not be Matt Luke playing high school football or Rich Rodriguez driving a scooter with his co-pilot dog, the Power Rankings returns with all the heated action from Ole Miss’ appearance at SEC Media Days in Hoover. And by heated, I mean the discussion among the Ole Miss contingent over whether Dan Mullen ordered a slice of cheese or double cheese at Sbarro.

On to the rankings, friends.

(1) Atlanta and Nashville

Those two fair cities will be asked to carry the torch of providing Alabama fans, who have nothing better to do at 9:45 on Tuesday morning, with a place to watch Nick Saban walk through a hotel lobby before turning to their friend and saying, “He’s lost it. I could see it in his eyes.”

(2) SEC Fans

In just over 24 hours, our insane selves hit reply over 1,100 times.

RIP to the spark of life in the eyes of the intern charged with running this account over the summer. WELCOME TO THE DEAD GAZE OF THE REAL WORLD, FRIEND.

(3) Sbarro Sales

Out here printing money for 24 hours.

(4) The Head Ball Coach

“Archie Manning. How’ve you been? Did the Giants convince Eli to come back and throw some more interceptions this year?”

(5) The Squad Completing Picture Day

In a stunning upset, the first mouth-breather to crawl up in those mentions was not a Mississippi State fan but an Alabama fan. As you might imagine, the discussion that followed was exactly what the founders of Twitter dot com had in mind when they set about creating their internet hellhole.

(6) My Anger When This Shows up on the SEC Network

Cue bumper music.

Dave Neal: “As we step aside, we’re midway through the second quarter, and it’s all Cal Bears here in Oxford. Twenty-four to three.”

Cue graphics.

During that commercial break, I look forward to rage-tweeting about how we have something like seven penalties in 21 minutes.

(7) Interpreting an Alex Givens Quote

(7) Interpreting a Matt Corral Quote

(7) Interpreting a Mohamed Sanogo Quote

Alex Givens:

“I am really excited about Matt (Corral). He stepped up as a leader this spring. As you see, he is a very feisty player, which you love to see that as an offensive lineman.

What he really meant:

“Fam, did you watch him try to fight two Mississippi State defenders at once? He helped spark a referee handing out 160 unsportsmanlike conduct penalties at the SAME DANG TIME. So yeah, nothing but respect for my president.”

Matt Corral:

“We are all coming in with that chip on our shoulders, because everyone is saying that we are young and inexperienced. I feel like we are going to surprise a lot of people this year.”

What he really meant:

“75 percent of my face will be covered in eye black, I will be up in your kitchen for four hours, and I’m gonna do everything I can to wreck your shit and let you know about it if we do.”

Mohamed Sanogo:

“His (Mike MacIntyre’s) knowledge for the game, the guy is a defensive genius. I’ve been excited to be under his wing and take advantage of that.”

What he really meant:

“I am free from Wesley McGriff’s prison of talking about eye discipline. I could go the rest of my life without saying ‘eye’ or ‘discipline’, and it would be a successful life.”

(10) Matt Luke Meme

When they ask you if you celebrate Travis Tritt’s entire catalogue:

FREE IDEA: Rebel Radio (for the unfamiliar, the on-campus, student-run radio station), give this man a one-hour show so he can spin the 90s country the people want to hear. Or, even bigger, SEC NETWORK, you have nothing better to show at 11 PM on weeknights, GIVE US BLUE COLLAR COUNTRY WITH MATT LUKE.

Would watch, recommend, and declare it to be television’s finest hour.