The yellow sign with block lettering, familiar to all weary and worn Southerners, casts its visual siren song; a familiar, comforting beck to a place where no judgment is passed and the doors never close. The smell of bacon rendering its grease on a sizzling griddle and fresh coffee kick your salivary glands into overdrive. Your head spins—partly due to several bourbons, but mostly because of all the options on the menu.
This is the Waffle House. It’s stitched into the fabric of our Southern lives and a reminder that the night is never really over and every day is truly yet to begin. It’s a place where there are no secrets, nothing makes sense and patty melts are yet to go out of style. It’s wonderful, and we love it.
Sadly, there’s no Waffle House in our hallowed Oxford, Miss., though we hear our mayor is trying her absolute best to make that happen.
We want the good folks in the black and yellow to know that we in Oxford are well-versed in their menu. To prove this, and to deliver the off-season #content our readers crave, we have compiled a list of every SEC football program as a Waffle House menu item.
Here’s that list.
A plain waffle
It’s unchanged since the beginning and still the flag bearer. Infuriating and delightful in its damned consistency as those who find value or boredom in the rigidity of tradition shout its greatness or blandness.
Biscuits and gravy
This isn’t the best option at WaHo, though it seems like it would be. There’s shortening, milk, butter - it’s got all the traditional elements for success, but somehow it always slows you down and puts you to sleep, much like a 2-10 season.
Triple order of hash browns, all the way
It’s got all the pieces needed for greatness and a championship, but it’s likely to be vacated really quickly one way or another. There will be so much toilet paper used. SO MUCH.
Cheeseburger deluxe plate
Of course, Florida, you’re a cheeseburger plate. You’re overall nationally liked and seemingly a winner. But let’s all be really honest here, you can be disappointing even in the satiation of our hunger, and you’ve honestly been passed up at this point by...
A newer twist on the classic and, while it’s seemingly gaining popularity and ready to challenge plain waffle for the throne, it ends up leading to someone’s allergy induced trip to the emergency room, choking away all chances for dominance.
It’s a delicious accompanist to the main dish but should never be the feature of a meal. Raisin toast on the side? Great. Try to make a sandwich out of it? No thanks. What we’re saying is please stick to cheating at basketball.
Patty Melt plate, add peppers
It’s possibly the most delicious thing on the menu, and absolutely the quickest to kill you. Much like people from Louisiana, this is enjoyed while straddling the line between drunk and hungover, and very high in sodium.
One order of plain hash browns, topped with pickles and syrup
These are “St. Louis Style” hash browns, they’ll tell you. “Are we doing this right?” Missouri asks. They will be offended by your reaction to this.
Lame and uninspiring. A pale imitation of something much greater. Why is this even a thing that is produced, purchased, and consumed?
Waffle House coffee is something that can’t be good for you, but you want it anyway. Also, there’s a sign in almost every Waffle House that advertises their coffee as being “America’s Best”—if such self-promotion isn’t very much an Ole Miss thing to do then we guess we don’t know our alma mater as well as we thought we did.
Bert’s Best Bowl of Chili, smothered, covered, peppered
Despite the visually appealing nature of this dish, its undoubtedly going to leave you angry and uncomfortable after all is said and done. You’ll probably still be hungry afterwards and demand a trip to Bojangles.
Large order of hash browns with country country gravy on top
This is just some kooky hill people stuff. It makes nary a lick of sense to any of us flatlanders, but we see them enjoying it and we won’t rob them of that.
T-Bone steak and eggs plate
Someone orders it, and you’ve got to think that person is a bit of an asshole. Here’s the hint: that person is a bit of an asshole, and they don’t care that you’ve noticed. Of course it’s the most expensive thing on the menu, and of course it’s got the worst bang for it’s buck in terms of overall satisfaction.
They don’t sell pancakes at Waffle House, but Vanderbilt somehow got them to whip up a fresh batch of flapjacks when they went. Nobody knows how or why this happened, but it was horrifying. Is nothing sacred to you, Vanderbilt? Just how far are you willing to go with your power? Is this the world you wish to create? Is it?
BONUS STAFF PICKS
The RCR crew’s desire for an Oxford Waffle House is no secret. Maybe one day it will come to fruition, but until then, here’s our go-to orders when we drive all the ‘effing way to Batesville.
Pecan waffle with a split patty melt, hash browns scattered, smothered, covered and chunked
One Man To Beat
Three eggs, over easy; large order of bacon; hash browns, scattered, smothered, covered and chunked; Tabasco on everything
Large hash browns, scattered, smothered, covered and peppered with two sunny side up eggs and toast
Hash browns, scrambled eggs and either sausage or bacon
All-star special, eggs over easy, bacon and hash browns covered
All-star special, eggs scrambled, bacon and a side of sausage