In mid-February, the NCAA leaned down from the mountaintop, let loose a mighty HARRUMPH, and declared that Ole Miss football did not win 33 of the games it won. Because of the participation of players retroactively ruled ineligible, the Rebels were forced to vacate wins between 2010 and 2016 (with the exception of the 2015 season).
The most significant of these 33 wins that are definitely not wins came against Alabama in 2014, when Ole Miss won in Oxford and spent the rest of the day and night tearing down goalposts, parading them around town and catching Katy Perry after she jumped off the bar. Thanks to the NCAA, we now know that none of this occurred.
In compliance with NCAA supermax prison parole, we must also forget memories from the other 32 wins that are definitely not wins. I realize 32 is a large number, which makes remembering those things that you must now forget quite a challenge.
But because I serve the people, I am here to walk you through events that officially did not happen during all of Ole Miss’ wins that are definitely not wins.
This game took place one week after Houston Nutt’s loss to Jacksonville State, which means our palates were never cleansed from losing to an FCS team with a freshman quarterback in double overtime at home after leading by multiple touchdowns. No wonder we’re still so mad about this!
You must also forget that Enricky Davis ran for 43 yards (led the team!) and that Nathan Stanley completed this swing pass for a loss of four.
Fresno State (55-38)
I have no recollection of this game, which is a good start, but apparently Ole Miss led 41-10 early in the third quarter. With three minutes to play in the game, Ole Miss led 48-38.
I thank the NCAA for making me forget this game.
Good news here! The stress and anxiety from almost blowing a three-touchdown lead to Kentucky never happened, so demand that your body give you back the two years this game took off your life.
A three-game losing streak where Ole Miss was outscored 112-61? It was NOT SNAPPED.
Southern Illinois (42-24)
Unfortunately, you never saw Zack Stoudt throw for 118 yards or Ole Miss get out-gained 435-315 in total yards.
Fresno State (38-28)
If only Houston Nutt could’ve played Fresno State every week.
Before judgment fell from the sky, this was Nutt’s last win in his coaching career (note: it occurred eight weeks before the season ended). That means Nutt’s last official win is now a 21-7 Cotton Bowl victory over Oklahoma State to close out the 2009 season.
If you recall, that game featured 12 (TWELVE; 10+2) turnovers, eight of which were interceptions, and both teams falling short of the 375 total yards barrier. A much more fitting end to the win column of Nutt’s career.
Central Arkansas (49-27)
Hugh Freeze’s debut (CHEATIN’ BEFORE HE GOT STARTED) and a simpler time before everyone was directed to report things to email@example.com. Also, this cutting-edge graphic that lists the NCAA twice did not appear on your television or streaming device.
We know that this game did not take place. But what about video game recreations of this game?
Because I need to know if this 43-yard pass to Donte Moncrief from Barry Brunetti ever happened.
Or this 25-ish yard touchdown run by UTEP, featuring a lot of on-brand missed tackles.
APPEALS COMMITTEE, WE DEMAND ANSWERS.
Just so we’re clear, Dr. Bo never hurt his shoulder, and it didn’t affect him the rest of his Ole Miss career.
Speaking of Dr. Bo, you may recall that in a single game he threw a touchdown pass, ran for two touchdowns, and caught a touchdown pass. If you remember this, you are WRONG.
More importantly, Ole Miss’ 16-game SEC losing streak (cc: @CBSCoachNutt) actually continued its march.
A two-game SEC winning streak never got started. Fun fact: Ole Miss has not had a two-game SEC winning streak since 2015. FAMILY ON THREE. ONE, TWO, THREE...
Mississippi State (41-24)
Donte Moncrief was not fed a single calorie on the night in which he did not catch seven passes for 173 yards and three touchdowns. Let the record show that the NCAA supports malnutrition.
I can no longer tell the story about buying 16 oz Miller Lites in the Legion Field concourse from guys who were seated at fold-out tables that they 100 percent brought from home (also: no coolers, just pallets of beer sitting beside them). “Five dollars each or thirty bucks for a six pack!” Yeah that’s not a deal, and they never said it was, shut your damn mouth.
Please take away these people’s emotional devastation, as Jeff Scott’s soul-crushing 75-yard touchdown run never ruined them.
Southeastern Missouri State (31-13)
Good news, Robert Ratliff. Your interception in mop-up duty is cast into the abyss.
That time you watched Ole Miss trash Texas in their own stadium and made their fans leave early, then ended up on Sixth Street and visited multiple bars? BANISHED FROM YOUR MIND.
Well, you may remember going to Sixth Street, but now you’ll never know why you went and were in such a good mood.
Ole Miss has now only defeated one of the brothers Petrino.
A vacated win feels much better than losing to Arkansas in some horrific fashion, IMO.
Good news again, Robert Ratliff. Your second interception in mop-up duty is also cast into the abyss.
Boise State (35-13)
While I did not see Ole Miss score 28 fourth-quarter points in the Georgia Dome (RIP), a place we would’ve visited if we actually won the 2003 SEC West title (but sure hang a banner), I shall always recall enjoying the pre-game festivities with Boise State fans. Good people with good stories*.
*Like a former player giving a first-hand account of the LeGarrette Blount post-game punching of a Boise State player.
Good news for you, Gary Wunderlich. You were NOT ejected during a brawl against Memphis.
Take back these words, SIRRAH.
Again, seems like something big happened here. Alas, it slips my mind.
Texas A&M (35-20)
Ole Miss did not win this game, nor were they leading 35-7 in the fourth quarter one week after whatever that thing was that happened with Alabama.
DELETE THIS FROM THE INTERNET.
By the way, Ole Miss was 7-0 after beating Tennessee and arguably playing like the best team in the country (or so I’m told; I don’t remember). However, checking the record books, I do recall Freeze trying to beat LSU 7-3 the next week, and HOW DID THAT WORK OUT? Not that I am still enraged by that or anything.
Mississippi State (31-17)
I forget (real forget, not NCAA-manipulating-my-brain forget) who told the story, but either Dan Werner or Freeze said that Matt Luke suggested this play (shout-out to having three guys suggest plays). A play that should’ve gone for a loss of four but instead, NEVER HAPPENED.
Even though Will Redmond absolutely did not make it a point to run into Jaylen Walton after the touchdown, he did get a car, cash, and gift cards from a Mississippi State booster.
Wofford’s defensive coordinator’s résumé does not contain giving a corner no safety help against D.K. Metcalf that close to the end zone.
Ole Miss did not score 45 points in just over 36 minutes, and SWAG Kelly did not do this:
Just SWAG throwing it 65 yards in the air with nary a wobble of the football. My review of that pass:
Georgia Southern (37-27)
SWAG did not hurt his knee against Georgia Southern, beat Texas A&M and Vanderbilt in the next two weeks, lost to Mississippi State, and reigned supreme in Birmingham. In the summer of 2017, Freeze still got caught enjoying women who are not his wife, but survived the scandal because 7-6 and a Birmingham Bowl trophy were powerful enough to overcome all signs of a crumbling program, mostly thanks to #WAOM.
When asked why he retained Freeze despite impending NCAA sanctions doom, gross massage parlor stuff, and every other indication the ship was sinking, Ole Miss athletics director Ross Bjork said, “Rebel Nation invested in a really nice pair of blinders and wants to give him a chance to write his redemption story. Also, they love the birthday retweets.”
Texas A&M (29-28)
Shea Patterson never gave us a taste of what he could’ve been or wasted a year of eligibility in a move of desperation by a coach who knew everything was coming apart, but figured he could keep the charade going with a trip to Birmingham.
So what memory are you most happy to extinguish forever from your cortex? Comment or tweet @redcuprebellion with your thoughts on wins that now are gone forever.