clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

We reveal the New Year’s resolutions of every SEC football coach

Our crack reporting team found these very real resolutions in top desk drawers across the conference.

NCAA Football: Florida Atlantic at Middle Tennessee Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports

The time has come for the annual rite of passage of improving oneself, setting goals, and ultimately forgetting all about the resolutions within like a couple weeks.

C’mon, you are definitely going to use that Peloton to stack clothes on instead of getting in shape, just be honest with yourself.

But if you are thinking of a New Year’s resolution, what better place to find inspiration than the hyper-competitive world of SEC coaching? I mean, these men are the 100-hour work week, seven or eight figure making, kings of this part of the country.

What could they possibly be thinking as the clock strikes midnight and we roll into 2020?

Nick Saban

The reason why I have a process is so I can keep doing the process until the process is so simple I can process every minute of every day, so quit asking me about my resolution alright?!?! I mean, yeah, ok, I’ve got plenty of time right now to think since we’re not in the playoff, but it’s all fine, IT’S FINE, because there’s a process. I’m not going anywhere, right?!

[finally opens the Coke on his podium and chugs it all]

Kirby Smart

Ditto to whatever Coach Saban does, but I’m definitely my own man for sure.

Joe Moorhead

Grow out his big toes or shrink a couple toes to not have yeti feet, and if there’s time, take up boxing .

Lane Kiffin

[tweets picture of his boat with Ole Miss flag]

Winky emoji, gif of dolphin jumping through a fiery hoop — fans debate the meaning of this resolution for the next three months.

Derek Mason

(record retracted due to private schools being private and stuff) Let’s just assume it’s wearing vests everywhere at all times forever.

Sam Pittman

Eat less red’s orders! BUT pork is a white meat so YESSSSIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

Dan Mullen

Quit smoking (“does he smoke?” you ask, I say it’s doesn’t matter)

Gus Malzahn

Buy a new pair of glasses for the first time since 2009 .

Mark Stoops

Totally not going to bring up my accomplishments at family gatherings any more, I don’t need to do it, honestly, really it’s really fine that Bob is retired and did so well, and everyone says I’m doing a great job. I’m good enough! AND BY GOD PEOPLE LIKE ME!

Eliah Drinkwitz

Try to look like a head football coach instead of like a Mizzou fan who won a “head coach for the day” contest.

Will Muschamp

Get a Twittbook or Myface account, whatever these millennials are doing nowadays, continue being a dumb neanderthal.

Jimbo Fisher

Buy some oversized belt buckles, bolo ties, and chew hay more often.

Ed Orgeron

Start every day with a shot of tabasco and douse skin liberally with Tony Chachere’s (this has been his same resolution 20 years running); also cut down on sodium (also same resolution annually).

Jeremy Pruitt

Gotta be #PoweredbytheT so I’m getting testosterone shots every day until the National Championship 2021! Not that I need them, I DEFINITELY DON’T NEED THEM BALD MEN ARE USUALLY WAY MORE VIRILE.

What are your Ole Miss resolutions for this next year? Will you stay for the second half of every football game? Comment or tweet @redcuprebellion with your 2020 plans.