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Ole Miss Power Rankings: Lane Train Hype Train Edition

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The Landshark Leaderboard’s playlist is nothing but Quad City DJ’s most famous song on repeat.

Josh McCoy-Ole Miss Athletics

Less than a week after Ole Miss did the most un-Ole Miss thing possible with the hiring of Lane Kiffin as head football coach, I, despite my excitement, am attempting to remain cautious because we all know the college football scriptwriters love nothing more than delivering a dose of agony on the next page.

I say attempting because the rational part of my brain can recall previous doses of agony and is trying to protect me from myself. However, it is losing terribly, as the rest of me is shouting, “QUIET, SMART SECTION, FOR YOU KNOW NOTHING. HOW DARE YOU BRING YOUR TRASH REASON IN HERE, NERD.”

Anyway, the point being, spending years as an Ole Miss fan has allowed me to think and live in a very normal and healthy way.

(1) HYYYYYYYYYYYYPE

You: Obviously, with losses on the defensive line, the uncertainty around the quarterback position, the schedule, and I’m not sure they have enough quality SEC offensive linemen, it’s probably going to be a 5-7 or 6-6 year.

Me: AIN’T NO MATTER. LANE TRAIN GONNA SOLVE ALL THAT ON THE WAY TO EIGHT WINS. CHOO-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

/plays Quad City DJ’s at eardrum-rupturing levels

You:

Me: (climbs down from the ceiling, turns off the music, and clears throat) No, I agree. 5-7 or 6-6 sounds about right.

(2) Lane Kiffin

During the Hugh Freeze era, I was very much on Team Delete Your Account, Hugh. No need to respond every time DAWGNATION69B88BS crawled up in the mentions.

However, it seems unlikely I will ever want Kiffin to delete his account.

#Content that is informative and gets people upset on the net.

(3) Kevin Smith

(3) Wilson Love

(3) Jeff Lebby

The official additions to Kiffin’s staff include his running backs coach (Smith) and strength coach (Love) from Florida Atlantic, as well as Central Florida’s offensive coordinator (Lebby). I know very little about the two coaches from FAU, but Lebby seems like an exciting coach due to his work at UCF.

I really like that h-

/recalls that he was at Baylor and named in a lawsuit over a player assaulting a female student and the non-response from the school

So very NOT GREAT.

(6) Keith Carter

As the chief Keith Carter fanboy and president of the fan club from Day One, I would like to tell the losers and the haters, of which there are many, I told you this would work out. You see, I knew, despi-

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE IDIOT PULLING THE LEVERS BEHIND THE CURTAIN ON THAT TWITTER ACCOUNT.

(7) Returning From The Transfer Portal Abyss

Quarterback Grant Tisdale and wide receiver Demarcus Gregory have decided to abandon that portal life and return to Ole Miss. Given that John Rhys Plumlee and Matt Corral do not have a lock on the starting quarterback job, one would assume Tisdale gets a good shot at it this spring, as Ole Miss needs as much competition there as possible.

WARM TAKE: Plumlee shouldn’t be included in that competition.

HOT TAKE: Kiffin thinks Tisdale could best fit what he wants to do.

NUCLEAR TAKE: Ole Miss may not have an SEC-caliber quarterback on campus.

(8) Analytics

After his introductory press conference in front of Ole Miss fans sippin’ on half-price booze at one o’clock on a daggum Monday afternoon, Kiffin met with the media to answer questions that ranged from what was it like to hold a baby on the Oxford Airport tarmac to wHaT dO yOU tHiNk aBOuT tHE riVaLrY wiTh MiSsIsSiPPi sTatE.

One of the most interesting parts was him talking about his reliance on analytics, specifically when it was statistically advantageous to go for it on fourth down in an opponent’s territory instead of punting or kicking a long field goal. He followed that up with a WILL NOT GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU WRITER BROS AND LADYBROS THINK.

(9) Rod Barnes

The former Ole Miss player and coach was in town on last Saturday as head coach of Cal State Bakersfield to take on the Ole Miss basketball team. Since I was there, I can report that he received a nice welcome prior to the game starting, as well as a standing ovation when he was ejected after getting his second technical foul with about 12 minutes to play.

And it wasn’t a mock-applause. People genuinely wanted to thank him as best they could. We all know the last four years of the Rod Barnes era at Ole Miss were awful. Just awful. But that doesn’t change the fact that he was a part of the unprecedented success a basketball program that was historically miserable.

(10) Matt Luke

Our former Ole Miss-loving head coach has elected to not sit out a year but get hired by a national power in Georgia (good call!) as their new offensive line coach. By my calculations, he’ll now have houses in Oxford and Athens. Not terrible!