As we endure what’s left of Egg Bowl Week 2K19, it’s important to remember how far Ole Miss has come since last year’s version of suboptimal football. After all, according to Ole Miss’ new athletic director, who only had to walk a few yards to move into his new office, the football program is heading in the right direction.
Since things are allegedly trending in the right direction, let’s crunch those right direction numbers:
- Sitting at four wins opposed to five wins at this time last year and in 2017
- Still not going to a bowl game*, though this season was through our own accomplishments and not due to NCAA supermax prison restrictions
- Lowest season home game attendance since Year Two of Eli Manning (and reduced stadium capacity)
- 2-6 SEC home record in the last two seasons
- Three (3) SEC wins in the last 15 attempts
- The last win over an SEC West team not named Arkansas or Mississippi State was on November 12, 2016 against Texas A&M
- Recruiting rankings still in the low 20s, which is good for 6th in the SEC West right now (finished 5th last year)
- Drop in season ticket sales for the second consecutive year (get ready for a third straight year!)
However, in a positive direction, fans did get to spend the final three home games enjoying cold domestics and imports in Vaught-Hemingway Stadium. These paired well with apathy and pork nachos because pork nachos goes well with everything.
*Technically, Ole Miss could go to a bowl game via a win over Mississippi State and the wizardry of APR. If that happens, I like “Don’t have to win six to take the family to Birmingham the day after New Year’s” as next season’s motto.
(1) Turkey Time
I suppose I should just insert a picture of Glenn Boyce, AMIRITE,,,,,FOLKS?
/justifiably swallowed by a sinkhole
Turkey’s big day is nearly upon us, so we shall give it time in the spotlight. Though Twitter is barren wasteland that injects hellscape steroids daily, my favorite content this time of year is pictures of turkeys that have been seasoned with water and 12 flecks of what appears to be black pepper, followed by 10 hours of that picture being dunked on.
Well, that and videos of the gourmet chefs who drop a frozen turkey into a deep fryer and create a 911 call.
People will bicker and argue over the best sides, worst sides, and just fine sides until the end of time. None of that matters because you, consumer of a Thanksgiving meal, will ignore the trash sides available and eat the delicious sides the good Lord above intended us to eat.
But let us be very clear about sides. Anything that falls within the families of sweet potatoes, hot or cold fruit dishes, congealed salads, and cranberry concoctions is beyond the worst, and you should contact your local district attorney to see if prosecuting the maker of said side is an option.
Somewhat related, sweet tea is GARBAGE DIABETES WATER.
Obligatory on Thursday. The key to a successful nap is length. Anything in the 45-minute to 1-hour range is ideal. If you go well beyond that, you wake up not knowing where you are, what year it is, and convinced you were given enough anesthesia to cover a 10-hour surgery.
(4) People Who Go To The Egg Bowl
According to my brain that can’t remember to get an oil change that’s 1,000 miles past due but can remember that, in Con Air, Cameron Poe’s daughter’s birthday is July 14th, I’ve attended seven Egg Bowls. Ole Miss won six, yet all six of those experiences were core-draining hours I prefer not to live again.
So a salute to all of you (Ole Miss and State fans) who voluntarily sign up for three-to-four hours, plus travel time, of avoiding extended family in exchange for another version of mental agony.
(5) National Searches
And by national, we mean regional. And by regional, we mean just Mississippi. And by just Mississippi, we mean Lafayette County. And by Lafayette County, we mean Oxford. And by Oxford, we mean on campus. And by on campus, we mean within the athletic department. And within the athletic department, we mean people who have offices on the same floor.
It’s an insult to everyone’s intelligence to tell us it was a legitimate national search. Just name the guy you were always going to name and stop lying about everything.
FUN FACT: Keith Carter has been introduced to the Ole Miss community, but the man who introduced him, Glenn Boyce, has not. That coward and his enablers REALLY don’t want people to ask him questions.
(6) Keith Carter
It’s possible Carter turns out to be fine as athletic director, assuming he’s not there to say yes to the people who brought us Glenn Boyce’s corrupt ass*. A big assumption, but it could happen.
By all accounts from people who are not GOOD REBELS, Carter is a smart guy who works hard and knows what he’s doing, which gives him a higher set of skills than like 95 percent of all previous Ole Miss athletic directors. Related, do you see how easy it was to compliment someone without leading with “he loves Ole Miss”?
That said, a quote about working hard:
*What do we suppose Boyce did with the $87,000 he took to hire himself? Made conservative financial investments? Bought the finest mustache maintenance equipment in all the land? Started a side hustle where he consults other consultants on how to consult their way into a job they’re not qualified for?
(7) Confusing Ole Miss and Mississippi State
Because a large portion of our country’s population does not know the difference between Ole Miss and State, Thursday night could be a confusing time for some. For instance, when Dale in Sheboygan, Wisconsin plows through multiple plates of food from three to four o’clock in the afternoon (LUNCH AT 3 O’CLOCK IS DOMESTIC TERRORISM), takes a recovery nap, and tunes in shortly thereafter to have something on the television, he will hear the names Ole Miss and Mississippi State.
He will turn his head slightly to the side, become terribly confused, and wonder aloud, “How can the same team play itself?”
(8) John Rhys Plumlee and Jerrion Ealy Playing Baseball
I’ve got the announcers, during Ole Miss’ first possession of the game, discussing the duo’s plans to play baseball in the spring at +175. STACK THAT PAPER.
It’s likely the last time we’ll hear this re-heated nugget. However, next season, it will be refreshingly changed to “You know, Bob, Plumlee and Ealy are also quite the baseball players. They played baseball last spring for Mike Bianco, who said that Ealy will get drafted in a couple of years, and Plumlee was the best pinch-hit bunter he’s ever coached.”
Not freezing, raining, or a combination of both, which is a win for everyone. Avoiding Egg Bowl-related pneumonia should always be the priority for this game.
(10) Matt Luke Meme
Not this week. This week, I give you an HOMAGE TO MATT LUKE.
The leg whip that won the 1997 version of the Egg Bowl.
Playing center, Matt Luke created the window Stewart Patridge needed to find Corey Peterson for the two-point conversion and the win.