Ole Miss Power Rankings: Surely Loving Ole Miss Enough Will Solve The Problem Edition

With the writing on the wall indicating the people who tell our corrupt chancellor* what to do will eventually tell him that Matt Luke will be back for Year Four of Year One, I am mentally preparing for what that will look like. Staring into the crystal ball I acquired from Houston Nutt’s garage sale on his way out of Oxford, I’m seeing, not shockingly enough, more of the same but with way more rushing yards!

Game management issues? Check. Clock management issues? Check. Consistently losing to teams with equal or less talent? Check. Calling timeouts to stop a punt fake? Oh, buddy, DOUBLE CHECK.

The good news is that it probably can’t go past 2020. I mean, who could bring back a career offensive line coach with a record of 20-28 for a fifth sea-

/drowned by a tidal wave of love for Ole Miss

*Why yes, I am talking about the same chancellor who lied to qualified candidates and always knew he was going to get the job. Oh, and he pocketed $87,000 of not his money for lying and going along with the scheme and now refuses to come out of hiding. That chancellor!

(1) John Rhys Plumlee

Our fleet-footed son ran and ran and ran and ran and ran some more through LSU’s defense on his way to twice a hundred rushing yards and four touchdowns. In the process of doing so, he may have shattered the John Avery/Dexter McCluster-Fast Scale so that it now reads John Rhys Plumlee-Fast.

More importantly, he has me doubting my belief that he’s not a viable option at quarterback next season, unless Ole Miss is shooting for four to five wins. He’s so explosive that he almost always needs the ball in his hands because there’s a chance he could get loose, turn on the blur, and be in the end zone.

I lean towards it’s going to continue to be inefficient and dependent on explosive plays because the offensive line will be average on its best day, but if that group improves, perhaps efficiency could take the slightest of jumps.

(2) Addressing Rumors: Part I

(2) Addressing Rumors: Part II

If you’re logged in to the double secret message boards or know someone who tells you things, you’ve likely heard the same chatter I have. It may be irresponsible j(J)ournalism to mention in a public forum, but since the television announcers on Saturday night brought it up, I will have the courage to say it here: John Rhys Plumlee and Jerrion Ealy are going to play baseball in the spring.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW. How could you say such a thing out loud, Gray? Well, as a j(J)ournalist, it’s my job to report the #facts. I apologize for nothing.

If that’s not enough to shake you to your core, I can also report that Plumlee plays the piano with some degree of success. While this information is so new and raw that it’s disorienting, these are the facts, friends. We at Red Cup Rebellion Dot Com are committed to giving you said facts.

(4) Jerrion Ealy

Our true freshman, eventually baseball-playing son recorded his first career 100-yard rushing performance, as he dropped 141 yards on the Tigers. More impressively, he did it on 13 carries.

On the season, Ealy is averaging (AVERAGING) 7.2 yards per carry. That’s almost 75 percent of yards needed for a first down every time he touches the ball.

Five out of five stars. Would watch another carry.

(5) Ole Miss Rushing Attack

Snoop Conner needs just 19 yards to hit the 500-yard mark, which means Ole Miss would have four players with 500 or more rushing yards on the season. That would include a 1,000-yard rusher in Plumlee, assuming he can get 11 yards against Mississippi State.

I realize by saying that out loud he will now rush for -11 yards. My apologies for Thanksgiving night. But until then, just call Ole Miss the SERVICE ACADEMY OFFENSE OF THE SEC.

(6) Elijah Moore

Another boring 9-reception, 143-yard, 1-touchdown night for our slippery son in the slot. It’s unlikely he’ll break the 1,000-yard barrier (he’s at 815 yards with 64 receptions), but what a season, especially with no other receiving threat to take attention away from him.

I was thinking thoughts the other day, and it dawned on me that if Phil Longo* were still calling plays at Ole Miss, Moore would have somewhere around 436 receptions this year. Give or take a few.

*Pls take a breath. Not saying things would be better, just noting how drastically the offense has changed in 11 games.

(7) Seniors

A salute to your time at Ole Miss. Thank you for sticking it out, and know that wherever life takes you or whatever it throws in your face, you can handle it because you spent the last four years living Ole Miss football under Hugh Freeze’s cratering work and Matt Luke’s unqualified work, and you lived to tell the tale.

(8) Dave Aranda Face

Aranda’s defense dominated the first half and made enough plays to win, especially when Ole Miss got into LSU territory, but we must document the faces of a defensive coordinator who, while watching Plumlee run for insane yards in a one-dimensional offense, is clearly saying to himself, “I do not much care for this. I thought we were stealing money from a hospital to get better players than this.”

(9) Ole Miss Men’s Basketball

4-0, and held another opponent to a gross field goal percentage. The Redhawks of Seattle University didn’t break the 30 percent barrier, as they were held to 28.6 percent from the floor.

There are questions on offense, and turnovers remain a problem, but a good way to make both of those less of a problem is to not let the other team score. No idea if they can keep it up, particularly against Memphis on Saturday, but perhaps this team has one established strength.

(10) Matt Luke Meme