Ole Miss Power Rankings: Self-Scouting Edition

Whether your team is losing or capable of winning more games than it loses, bye weeks are the best. If your team stinks, you don’t have to voluntarily subject yourself to unpleasantness for nearly four hours (a healthy way to live!), and if it’s a decent to good team, you have an entire Saturday without crippling anxiety and life-shortening stress.

In the case of Ole Miss and those of us who lack the willpower to not watch, this past Saturday was a nice break from hollerin’ about an offensive or defensive coordinator, 50-yard field goal attempts that give the opposing team great field position, and mistakes that never stop happening.

/cue galaxy brain

WHAT IF THE WHOLE SCHEDULE WAS MADE OF BYE WEEKS?

(1) Party Deck Catering Tents

Perfect 0-0 record in bye weeks. THEY’RE BACK, BABY.

(2) Emily Stroup

The senior is now the proud owner of Ole Miss Volleyball’s record for all-time kills with 1,421. First off, a tip of the hat to the volleyball person who decided to call it kills instead of points or some basic-ass thing like that. GIVE US THE THRASH METAL OF KILLS.

Second, every time a kill happens, we need a guitar riff from the guitar player in Mad Max: Fury Road, and let’s go ahead and set the volume for said riff at jet engine decibels.

Finally, if you enjoy successful Ole Miss sports, pay attention to volleyball. The team is 14-6 overall (6-3 in the SEC), and they’ve got the best daggum KILL LEADER in the history of the program.

(3) Women’s Soccer

They’re fresh off a 4-0 thrashing of LSU on Senior Day. The most interesting stat from this game is that Ole Miss got off 29 shots, which is absurd.

If you do the math, in a 90-minute game (with a few minutes added for extra time), Ole Miss averaged a shot just over every three minutes. If you’re not familiar with soccer, that is what the experts call #good. Essentially, they treated LSU’s defense like many a team treated Wesley McGriff’s Ole Miss defense.

(4) Halloween

For the second straight week, Halloween and Tony are back.

If you’re looking for a last-minute costume idea, the Landshark Leaderboard is here to serve the people. Behold, a list for your consideration:

• Glenn Boyce’s mustache
• Sexy Glenn Boyce’s mustache
• The $87,000 Glenn Boyce stole from Ole Miss
• Sexy $87,000 Glenn Boyce stole from Ole Miss
• Ford Dye and Chip Morgan two-person horse ensemble (donkey also works)
• Good Ol’ Boys (requires you and a group of people to run around, make idiotic decisions that do lasting damage to something bigger than yourselves, and suffer no real consequences)
• Glenn Boyce’s mustache as Tony the Landshark
• Tony the Landshark as Glenn Boyce’s mustache
• Glenn Boyce hiding in a closet because he’s never going to make a public appearance where people can boo his corrupt ass back into that storage closet
• Matt Luke’s shacket (note: not Matt Luke in a shacket but his actual shacket)

(5) Coors Light

The Silver Bullet topped the sold beers list during the Texas A&M game, outpacing its nearest competitor by about 2,000 cans. Related, that they don’t sell beer in the fourth quarter of Ole Miss football games (OLE MISS FOOTBALL GAMES) is a crime against all that is right and decent. LET THE PEOPLE SELF-MEDICATE.

(6) Ole Miss Men’s Basketball

Hey, a major sport that might not be bad, bunt, or disappoint! The season kicks off Monday night with an exhibition game against Mississippi College, followed by the regular season opener on Friday, November 8th against Arkansas State.

Let us hope it’s deep into conference play before Kermit Davis turns into the Great Salt Lake again.

(7) Transfer Portal

If true and you had Tisdale in the Which Freshman Quarterback Would Transfer First pool, please collect your winnings. It was always likely one of them would transfer and now that has come to pass.

Tisdale ends his Ole Miss career going 2-for-2 for 56 yards and one touchdown, which comes out to a passer rating of 500.2. If you throw out the minimum pass attempts requirement, I’m going to go out on a limb and say 500.2 is probably good enough for the school record.

Good luck to him wherever he goes, and pls do not come back and throw for like 350 yards and four touchdowns against us one day.

(8) Bye Week Rest

According to Matt Luke, Eli Johnson, Ben Brown, Alex Givens, and Michael Howard were able to practice this week after suffering injuries against Texas A&M. This depth chart expert has logged on to tell you that going to Auburn with only four healthy offensive linemen would’ve been quite #bad.

In addition to those four, Jerrion Ealy and Scottie Phillips were able to practice. John Rhys Plumlee, who had a minor knee procedure performed, is expected to practice Wednesday and play on Saturday.

Anyway, always ideal to have your best players able to play against a team that has like 25 best players.

(9) PAAWWWLLLLLLLL

OLE PISS BEARSHARKS CAN’T HAVE NO CO-COLA ON THE DAGGUM PODIUM. THAT’S A SABAN TRADEMARK. IN HIS CONTRACT. MATT LUKE AIN’T NO SABAN. SOUNDS LIKE COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT TO ME. DISRESPECTING HIM AND THE TIDE. MAKES ME SICK.

(10) Matt Luke Meme