Here are good reasons why the SEC should add Hawaii

Saturday’s game between the Ole Miss Rebels and the No. 1 Alabama Crimson Tide will feature, for the first time in the history of the Southeastern Conference*, two opposing starting quarterbacks from Hawaii. Having come a long way from their shared childhood roots, and after having gone two very different routes to get to this point, Ole Miss’ Jordan Ta’amu and Alabama’s Tua Tagovailoa are now leading two of the conference’s best offenses in a “Hawaii vs. Hawaii” game that, according to Ta’amu, both players are very much looking forward to.

And while there have certainly always been some SEC football fans on the islands, Saturday’s contest could conceivably, for Hawaii, be the most viewed regular season SEC game in this conference’s history. This is, of course, good and appropriate, because this is Ole Miss vs. Alabama — the Most Respectful Rivalry™ — and easily the most hard-fought, storied annual match up in the Southeast.

And with this newfound attention both being shown both to our Southeastern brand of football by our Hawaiian friends, and to Hawaiian football players and recruits by Southeastern coaches, it only makes sense that the SEC now expand to include the University of Hawaii Warriors football team.

*This finding is the result of no more than 0 hours of research.

Here are some good reasons for adding Hawaii

1. Hawaii is the most southern state in America. There’s a huge geography bonus!
2. On the other hand, cardinal directions are totally arbitrary — what is “east” on this planet, relative to “west” and, even more importantly, relative to the rest of the universe? If the universe is indeed infinite, then every point in it is the center of the universe. Everything is south and east of everything else, and nothing is south and east of everything else. Therefore, Hawaii is also the easternmost state in America.
3. Football is very important to Hawaiian culture. Football is also a very important part of the states that currently make up the SEC (except for you, Kentucky).
4. Kentucky can leave if they have a problem with it.
5. I don’t think Kentucky will have a problem with it though, because they seem to be fine with this idea as well.
6. Hawaii grows a lot of pineapples. They have become a bit of a symbol of the state. Don’t get too hung up on the problematic history of pineapple farming in Hawaii (we Southerners should know a thing or two about problematic agricultural history anyway), because we’ve also adopted the fruit as a symbol to represent Southern hospitality, particularly in the Charleston, South Carolina area.
7. Hawaii has appeared in the Sugar Bowl more times than South Carolina, Vanderbilt, or Mississippi State.
8. This guy calls their games:

Don’t tell me he wouldn’t fit right in at an LSU tailgate.

And, of course, there’s the incredibly obvious reason that Hawaii is a beautiful state with wonderful weather, easygoing people, and great food. Jurassic Park was filmed there. The McDonald’s in Waikiki sells banana pies instead of apple pies. Everybody who lives there knows how to surf. Elvis Presley spent a lot of time there. It’s an impossibly wonderful place.

Adding Hawaii to the Southeastern Conference would ensure that there’d be plenty more excellent Hawaiian athletes starring on SEC football teams, and would give the Hawaii football program a big boost in recruiting and resources. Win-win! It would also be a fun road trip for us fans to take ever other year or so. We could all use some more time in Hawaii; we’ve earned it.

So, my message to SEC Commissioner Greg Sankey is simple: add Hawaii to the SEC, you coward.