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Not even Google’s closed caption algorithm can understand Coach O

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Coach O’s accent gravel meets Google machinery.

NCAA Football: SEC Football Media Day Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

One of the great things about technology is that, inevitably, someone will discover a way to take a wonderful achievement for all of mankind and use it for the dumbest purpose imaginable. Mercifully for us, friends, such a day arrived a few weeks ago, and the nonsense involved former Ole Miss and current LSU head coach Ed Orgeron.

Observe:

If you’re updating your spreadsheets at home, that means a service involving algorithms upon algorithms so that more people can enjoy video #content on YouTube, is now being deployed to see how it interprets Orgeron telling the world DA TIGAHS DIDN’T MAKE SOME PLAYS BUT WE COMIN’ BABY. I, for one, believe this discovery should be saluted by setting a fireworks stand on fire, but there are laws and other boring stuff that discourage such action (TYPICAL BIG GUBMINT OVERREACH, IMO).

Instead of bringing the authorities to our doorstep, let’s see what happens when we explore the space of Ed Orgeron videos with closed captioning turned on.

An entire conversation created from YouTube misunderstanding Coach O

“Coach, talk about what happened tonight.”

“Talk more about the mirror.”

“I’m sorry, Coach, but did you just say a word that had an umlaut?”

“Uh, thank you?”

“Coach, Hobby Bebert with DefinitelyNotBobbyHebert dot com, if there was one stat tonight that explained what happened, what would it be?”

“Totally agree.”

About a month later, Orgeron’s squad would fall to Alabama in Tuscaloosa, 24-10. Orgeron was proud of his team’s effort and belief that they could win, but no one on this webbed sight cares about that. We just want to know what closed captioning thought he said when he spoke the word “tremendous”.

Two weeks before losing to Alabama, Orgeron and his team defeated Ole Miss in Oxford. Let’s get his recap of LSU’s 40-24 win.

Hey, buddy, it’s not our fault Hugh Freeze enjoyed the company of women who were not his wife, and we had to roll with a staff held together with Elmer’s. Though, you nailed the three SEC victories.

I mean, we all knew Joe Alleva gave you an absurd amount of guaranteed money ($8.5 million buyout after 2018), but I’m glad you turned it into an investment that will bring you a steady supply of disappointment and despair.

LEAVE THE LAWYERIN’ AND JUDGIN’ TO OLE MISS, PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

Finally, our exercise here today would be a complete waste of time if we didn’t turn loose this Google-engineered machinery on the Ed Orgeron Hummer commercial. TAKE IT AWAY, JOJO.

COACH OH. ARMOR. HUMBER - THE SWEDISH HUMMER.

To be fair, “old men” is a fairly accurate description of Ole Miss.

These algorithms are trash. Not one single instance in which they didn’t just spit out WILD BOYZ because it felt right.