Sound the dog-gone trumpet.
Muddle that mint.
It’s time to stimulate the economy in the 144th running of the Kentucky Derby.
Maybe you’re attending a charity event for the Derby or even going to a country club soiree to pretend like you’re at Churchill Downs. Good for you, show up and show out.
Or maybe you’re killing it dad-life style like yaboi OMTB — gambling online, getting your kids to simultaneously watch Cars 3 and giving your wife your credit card for shopping while knocking back some Four Roses Single Barrel to watch a race that lasts three and a half minutes but has six hours of consecutive televised coverage. BROWN WATER COMIN ATCHA.
The pageantry, the tradition, the fashion and the stacks of cold hard cash — it’s what makes this event watchable every year.
But you don’t want to just watch, you want to rebound from losing your mortgage payment betting against the Philadelphia 76ers in the playoffs.
Quick rundown on horse betting at this level: you’re probably going to need to bet heavy to make any reasonable amount of winnings. Why? Because the longshots are serious longshots. Throwing $5 on a 99-1 horse is your own business, but you could just light $5 on fire instead.
One of the favorites as of Sunday morning is My Boy Jack at 5-1, so a $2 bet is paying out $10 plus the two bucks you bet. Congrats, you made some money and did nothing, it’s a great feeling. Damn near addictive if you ask me.
The odds on favorite is Justify at 7-2, which is trainer Bob Baffert’s latest four-legged wonder. Baffert, for those of you less inclined to this sport, is the white-haired bro that always looks fly AF in the stands. Also the commentators will mention his name about 13 million times.
”So OMTB, how do I get rich today?”
Bet on Bolt d’Oro at 9-1 odds. He’s bred in Kentucky but trained in Montana, and his name is an homage to Usain Bolt — the fastest man to ever run anywhere.
There’s been a streak of five straight years of favorites winning the Derby, and Justify just won’t get it done in some most likely sloppy conditions. BET ON BOLT AND GO BUY A CONDO DEVELOPMENT IN THE KEYS.
The only other horse I’d be looking at with longer odds is Magnum Moon who won the Arkansas Derby not that long ago. At 13-1, you’d have a chance to finally pay off that terrible Altima you are embarrassed to slink into the parking garage day after day. GET PAID AND GET A BUGATTI BAYBAY.
Horse order and odds:
- Firenze Fire (63-1)
- Free Drop Billy (41-1)
- Promises Fulfilled (46-1)
- Flameaway (51-1)
- Audible (6-1)
- Good Magic (8-1)
- Justify (7-2)
- Lone Sailor (32-1)
- Hofburg (25-1)
- My Boy Jack (5-1)
- Bolt d’Oro (9-1)
- Enticed (54-1)
- Bravazo (69-1)
- Mendelssohn (6-1)
- Instilled Regard (99-1)
- Magnum Moon (13-1)
- Solomini (64-1)
- Vino Rosso (15-1)
- Noble Indy (54-1)
- Combatant (77-1)