Now that the last weekend of the college baseball regular season is here, and postseason play is just a few more sacrifice bunts away, it’s time for my May ritual of climbing aboard the Ole Miss bandwagon for a journey that’s sure to add some cracks to the load-bearing walls in the life expectancy building. Whether it’s an extended journey or one that ends with the bandwagon jackknifed to such a severe degree that a 30-year veteran of the highway patrol has to look away, I always look forward to some non-fall sports hollerin’.
Not being a baseball man, which comes with the perk of not having to follow any unwritten rules, I’m not as emotionally invested as some of you who have put in the time and had multiple arguments about HIS OPS IS 75 POINTS HIGHER AGAINST LEFTIES LET HIM HIT MIKE HOW DO YOU THINK THIS IS SENSIBLE. During my effort to become more invested, I searched for Ole Miss baseball-related memorabilia to perhaps find something to take the emotions up a notch or 10.
Why I thought this would help, I cannot recall, BUT the lesson here is an effort was made. More importantly, what I found could also inspire you and, for the right price, find a place in your home where it can be silently hated by your significant other or judged by guests.
First up, and perhaps the most exclusive item, is an autographed 8” x 10” photo of Ole Miss head coach Mike Bianco in a semi-power-crouch, beginning to launch a barrage of SIR, SURELY YOU JEST WITH YOUR INTERPRETATION OF WHAT HAS JUST TRANSPIRED BEFORE YOUR MALFUNCTIONING EYES AND REASONING ABILITY OF THE LOWEST ORDER.
I have something in the neighborhood of 5,200 questions surrounding the existence of this thing, but getting through all of those would take about as long as it will to play the first entire day of the SEC Baseball Tournament in Hoover.
[points to the sky]
In the interest of not wasting large swaths of time (TOO LATE, GRAY), we’ll only touch on a few, and, oh by the way, your dad still has that pullover in his closet right now.
Other than the age of the photo (circa 1974?), there’s one thing that really jumps out at me:
That does say nearly 37 American dollars, yes? While that seems about $32 too high, maybe the item description can sell me on why I should spend such monies on an autographed photo of Bianco moments before he was probably thrown out of the game.
WELL IN THAT CASE, I’LL TAKE 10.
If you thought ALL-CAPS AUTOGRAPHSMADEEASY had the market cornered on signed Mike Bianco photos, you would be wrong, friend. There’s another seller out there who knows there is a demand for cheaper autographed Bianco photos that are also personalized for people named Daniel.
Yes, that’s right, if you’re named Daniel, have $10 (plus garbage shipping fees), and want a signed Mike Bianco photo that was addressed to another Daniel that you have never met, you can make it yours! You can also be someone not named Daniel and strangely want to own an autographed photo for someone named Daniel. THIS IS AMERICA SO ADD THAT ISH TO YOUR CART.
But wait, there’s more! If the mood strikes you, Bianco autographed the same photo, but made it out to a fellow named Joe.
All those things I just said about the Daniel photo apply here, which is inte- wait, hang on. $19.99 for Joe and only $10 for Daniel? WHAT’S SO SPECIAL ABOUT JOE, PROFESSIONAL MEMORABILIA DEALER? WHY IS DANIEL SO TERRIBLE? IS DANIEL WANTED FOR SERIOUS CRIMES? DOES HE LIKE HIS STEAKS WELL DONE AND SOAKED IN KETCHUP LIKE A CERTAIN SHIT-FOR-BRAINS PRESIDENT?
Perhaps we shall never know the true story of Daniel versus Joe, but I look forward to what awaits. Lol, jk, I’m nervous as hell, in the next few weeks, please do not lay waste to my relatively stable emotional status that will be so easily shattered.