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We need to talk about Texas A&M’s new Yell Leaders, who are 5 of the same person

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You won’t convince us that these are five separate people.

NCAA Football: New Mexico at Texas A&M C. Morgan Engel-USA TODAY Sports

Bit of a blind item here, but we don’t care. It’s Monday and we’re hungover. The Battalion, “the student voice of Texas A&M since 1893,” announced on Friday the fresh election of the 2018-19 “Yell Leaders” for Aggie sporting events, a considerable leadership position within the 12th Man milieu and, one assumes, a hotly contested seat of power in College Station. The Yell Leaders group comprises a board of five current students, led by three seniors and two juniors. Their duties include, well, leading yells and so forth.

Here are the five new Yell Leaders for Texas A&M for the 2018-19 academic year:

Fine ambassadors for a diverse academic community, no doubt. Now, initially, a few things:

  • Why are all five of our very happy boys dressed exactly the same?
  • Why do all five of our very toothy lads share the same haircut?
  • Why are all five of our very happy-to-be-here units sporting extreme dad-core fashion choices?

We’re not really concerned with the answers to these questions; we’re simply asking them, because these are the questions we have. According to The Battalion, our five precocious Wunderkinder ran their campaign for Yell Leaders as a five-lad platoon, so it’s easy to imagine the rationale behind the answer to our last question here, never mind the fact that they look like the world’s most obnoxious a cappella quintet. (We can also, judging by their sartorial distinctions, guess at who are the three seniors and two juniors; we’ll leave that task up to you, dear reader.)

Most glaring of all, however, is the troubling fact that this group of seemingly five separate individuals may be just the same human being replicated five times, much like the plot of the very compelling 1996 romantic comedy starring Michael Keaton, Multiplicity. The trouble with this analogy, though, is it’s altogether impossible which of our large, jelly marshmallows here represents the gurgling idiot Michael Keaton clone that’s been cloned too many times. Perhaps all five of them are the gurgling idiot, sitting too many steps removed from an originary Ur-Yell Bro. Perhaps they’re Stepford Bros.

To wit:

You can click on the link up there at top and find out these shiny gentlemen’s real names — yes, one is in fact named Karsten — but they might as well as be named Stetson. Because, you see, Stettson over there — no, not Stetsson, and no, definitely not Stettssyn over there — comes from Houston, which, coincidently, is also where Staetsan there — yes, over there — also hails from. In fact, Stetsson — no, again, for the second time, not Stettson, and certainly not Stetson, who’s over there, good grief — his dad ran for Texas’ Lieutenant Governor three times and lost on every occasion. No, I’m sorry, those case files are sealed.

Look closely at this image, because you’ll miss it if you don’t.

Just incredible.