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EMERGENCY ALERT: Big Bad Breakfast is opening a Charleston location. BE ADVISED.

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THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

24th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Press Room
When Big Bad is coming to your town.
Photo by Dan MacMedan/Getty Images

WELCOME BACK TO FOOD BLOG REBELLION, WHERE EDITORIAL IS CURRENTLY HYPERVENTILATING OVER THE NEWS THAT BIG BAD BREAKFAST — THAT BIG BAD OXFORD BREAKFAST JOINT WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE — IS COMING TO YOUR MANAGING EDITOR’S CITY, CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA, AND HONESTLY THIS IS QUITE A BIT TO HANDLE RIGHT NOW.

LET’S PAUSE HERE TO SAY THAT WE, I, JIM, ARE EXTREMELY JACKED ABOUT THIS ANNOUNCEMENT, AND THAT BBB HEAD MAN JOHN CURRENCE CAN CRASH ON MY SHITTY FOLD-OUT COUCH FOR THE DURATION OF BBB CHARLESTON’S OPENING DEBUT. JOHN, IF YOU’RE READING THIS, I HAVE A FRIDGE STOCKED FULL OF PABST BLUE RIBBON AND NOT MUCH ELSE. THERE’S A LOT OF BARBECUE SAUCE AND SOME FROZEN TATOR TOTS.

THIS BEING CHARLESTON, SC, WE HAVE NO DEARTH OF ACCEPTABLE BREAKFAST JOINTS, BUT WE DON’T HAVE BIG BAD BREAKFAST — YET — THE GREATEST BREAKFAST JOINT IN THE STATE OF MISSISSIPPI, IF NOT IN THE STATE OF THE FUCKING WORLD. BASH ME OVER THE HEAD WITH A CAST-IRON SKILLET FULL OF EGGS, POTATOES, BACON, HAM, AND CHEESE, FOR I NEVER WANT TO WAKE UP FROM THIS FEVER DREAM. I HAVE OVERDOSED ON EXPECTATION ALONE AND I’M FLOATING AMONG SATURN’S RINGS, WHERE THERE STILL ISN’T A DAMN BIG BAD BREAKFAST.

CHARLESTON IS SOMETHING LIKE 10 HOURS DRIVING TIME FROM OXFORD, MS, WHICH IS WHERE THE ORIGINAL BBB LOCATION CURRENTLY RESIDES, SO SUFFICE TO SAY, IT’S DIFFICULT TO GET OVER THERE FOR DELICIOUS BISCUITS AND GRAVY BEFORE TEACHING AT 10 A.M. ET, BUT IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOUR RCR EDITOR-IN-CHIEF WILL NO LONGER FACE THAT INCONVENIENCE, BECAUSE BBB IS COMING TO A CORNER NEAR ME. SORRY IF THIS OFFENDS.

THIS MOVE CREATES AN IMPORTANT PRECEDENT. BRING ALL OF OXFORD TO CHARLESTON. DROP VAUGHT-HEMINGWAY STADIUM INTO MY TINY BACKYARD AND PLAY ALL OF OLE MISS’ HOME GAMES RIGHT THERE. VOLTA? YOU LIVE BELOW ME NOW. TAYLOR GROCERY? WE’RE ROOMMATES NOW. CHICKEN ON A STICK? KITCHEN’S RIGHT OVER THERE.

/DIES IN A FIT OF APOPLEXY.