When Saturday’s unholy pre-noon start time arrives, it will mark the near-two-year anniversary of Ole Miss’ last game against a team under the direction of Jimbo Fisher. The original showdown occurred on September 5, 2016, in the densely populated Florida Man locale known as Orlando, where Ole Miss played Florida State to open the season.
If you recall, and who wouldn’t want to re-open the wounds of that night, Ole Miss shredded Florida State early, jumping out to a 28-6 lead with three minutes until halftime. Then the wheels to the Cannon Motors wink-wink loaner car fell off, and the Seminoles outscored the Rebels 39-6 in the remaining 33 minutes.
If you do the math, or Houston Nutt has an assistant find someone to do it for you, that comes out to a 45-34 loss for Ole Miss. Friends, I was there, and I can assure you it felt more like 454-34, with the bonus of being in the vicinity of Florida State fans #TALKINBOUTTHENOLES and trading body spray tips.
While it seems like that night was seven lifetimes ago, the calendar, which, in our country’s present state of dipshitness, could be FAKE NEWS, tells me it was two years ago this past September. Two years doesn’t seem like a long time, so what could’ve changed for the various parties involved in the 2016 game from then until now?
Let’s take a look at the difference two years can make, but my gut tells me things are pretty much the same, with just a few tweaks here and there.
- No longer coaches Florida State
- Now in the tax bracket where he’s unsure what ordinary items cost
- “Here’s $75, grab me a toothbrush and some non-mint toothpaste. That should be enough, right?”
- Holds a Hunger Games competition among eyeglass retailers for the right to sponsor his bifocals
- Contractually obligated to wear cowboy boots at all times (sleeping, at the beach, etc.)
- Fined $250 if he doesn’t give a thumbs up every three minutes in public (minus football games)
- Has learned one dog’s name
- No longer coaches Ole Miss
- Due to his love of women who were not his wife, saved Ole Miss millions, but also screwed Ole Miss for years to come with spectacularly bad defensive recruiting
- Will probably be coaching near you in 2019
- Still can’t log off to save his own stupid career
- Now coaches Ole Miss
- Spreading the blue collar gospel
- Waiting until he can populate Ole Miss’ coaching staff with people from David Cutcliffe’s staff
- Potential future member of the Independence Bowl Hall of Fame
- Potential 2020 offensive line coach at Duke
- No longer coached by Jimbo Fisher
- Really could use a game against Delaware State to ensure bowl eligibility
- Existential crisis for many, as very few folks are #TALKINBOUTTHENOLES in a positive sense in the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Eighteen
- On the hook for $75 million for one dude who is NOT wearing that class ring bullshit
- Seriously, Jimbo could go 0-12 next year and the year after, and he’s still depositing checks
- Related, I regret the life choices I made that kept me from being guaranteed to receive $75 million
- Note to self: Talk to agent (who does not exist) about contract renegotiation (contract also does not exist)
- Head coach resigned because of LADIES OF THE MASSAGE
- Massage-loving head coach avoided a 2017 season in which he got trashed and prevented present-day idiot fans from saying they’d take him back
- 2016 offensive line coach, who provided years of evidence that he wasn’t good at his job, is now the permanent head coach
- All is well because he loves Ole Miss
- Oh shit, hang on, maybe not the best reason to hire someone
- The 2020 season could be more of everyone’s jam