HATER’S GUIDE WEEK 2: DIRECTIONAL TENNESSEE EDITION

IT IS THE BEST OF TIMES. IT IS THE WORST OF TIMES. IT IS THE BEST OF TEAMS. IT IS THE WORST OF TEAMS.

Shea Patterson went full SHEP RATTLERSON against South Alabama for 28-of-35 completions, 429 yards, and four very beautiful touchdowns. Here’s one of them to AJ Brown, who belongs in the Smithsonian. My guy hauled in eight receptions for 233 yards and two scores. That’s some fancy work.

The defense stunk up the joint in the second period, though, and the fourth. Matt Luke and company better fix that, and fast.

BUT WE’RE ON TO UT MARTIN. THE SKYHAWKS. NOT THE MOCS, THEY’RE IN CHATTANOOGA. WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER DIRECTIONAL TENNESSEE. NO, NOT ETSU, EITHER. THE OTHER DIRECTIONAL TENNESSEE. CONFUSED YET? LET’S GO.

You ever wondered where Martin, Tenn. — “the charm of northwest-central Tennessee” — resides? Me neither, really, but because I’m a good editor I went and looked it up for you, dear reader. Here:

What a lovely corner of the world THAT must be. If you look closely enough, you can see smoke emanating from moonshine silos. Also, there’s a Milan in Tennessee! Just like there’s a Rome in Georgia! Just like there’s a Sparta in Mississippi! Just like there’s an Athens in Georgia AND Alabama! All of you are stupid and should be razed and salted.

Martin got all the refuse from ... [squints] ... Mayfield, Kent. and decided to set up a University of Tennessee System outpost about halfway between Memphis and Derek Mason’s asshole. Real fucking cute, y’all.

Let’s have a look-see at UT Martin’s performance last year. The Skyhawks finished the season 7-5 and amazingly took Hawaii down to the wire in a 41-36 loss out on the islands. They play in the Ohio Valley Conference, which is every bit as terrible as you’d expect it to be. The OVC is a basketball conference, anyway, as evidenced by them nearly ripping Ole Miss’ head off in basketball back in November (Rebs still won, 86-83, though — owned).

Let us here pause to note that the letter group “UTM,” when pronounced out loud, sounds like the sound a dog makes just before it vomits. That’s according to TwoYardandaCloudofEnricky, at least, and he’s a great fucking guy.

Y’all want to see a damn good tweet? Here’s a damn good tweet.

Anyway, Skyhawks? Where the hell else would hawks be? How in any way are they native or germane or indicative of, to, and for the University of Tennessee at Martin. Don’t answer that. I don’t give a shit.

Let’s take a look at and appreciate another damn good tweet.

LOOK AT THOSE UGLY THINGS. Jeff and I were screaming at each other during Week 1 of 2015 because UT MARTIN WEARS THE EXACT SAME UNIFORMS AS AUBURN. WHAT ARE WE WATCHING? OLE MISS WON THAT GAME 76-3, BECAUSE THAT’S A GODDAMN OXFORD BEATDOWN, MY FRIENDS. Where’s the originality, y’all?

[sweating now]

Y’all want some Skyhawks tweets? Sure you do.

As an Internet Own Blog, let’s say that this is a fairly good internet own.

SEE YOU SATURDAY, SKYFUCKS.