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WEEK 3 HATER’S GUIDE: OH NOW IT’S YOUR TURN, CAL

YOU’RE IN FOR IT NOW, GOLDEN BEARS.

NCAA Football: Utah at California
When the hater’s guide drops.
John Hefti-USA TODAY Sports

HURRICANE IRMA HAS COME AND GONE THROUGH THE LOW COUNTRY OF SOUTH CAROLINA, AND I’M STILL STANDING, PEOPLE. I’M STILL STANDING BECAUSE I MUST PROVIDE THIS VALUABLE SERVICE TO YOU, OLE MISS REBELS FANS, AND BECAUSE I’M PROGRESSIVELY LEARNING THAT I’M SOMEWHERE NEAR TO INVINCIBLE. FUCK THAT STORM, AND FUCK THE CAL GOLDEN BEARS. OK LET’S DO THIS.

Cal of course is nestled in the elite, effete, liberal fiefdom of Berkely, Calif., a cesspit of west-coast yuppy-ism and arrogance. Oh your weather’s so nice all the time, as opposed to, say, Charleston, S.C., where we REAL MEN weather shitstorms of rain for 16 hours at a time? Ride your stupid longboard down into the Market at the height of one of these monsters and let’s talk, lefty punk. WE KAYAK THROUGH THE STREETS FOR BEARS’ SAKE.

Let’s talk about bears. Ole Miss-Cal of course features two teams from opposite stretches of the college football universe that share the same on-field mascot. Cal’s “Golden Bear” looks something like this:

NCAA Football: Texas at California John Hefti-USA TODAY Sports

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING? It’s a Lego bear is what it is. Everyone watch out for LEGO BEAR on Saturday night. SMH.

We hunted deep into the photo tool to find the on-field mascot, which is many degrees more hideous than anything you’ve ever seen in your life, and we couldn’t get there. Ole Miss’ Rebel the Bear is decidedly a more compelling face for the team’s in-stadium caricature, and for that you should probably be thankful that we couldn’t dig up a Getty or USA Today photo of Oski (?) the Golden Bear. Fuck Oski, you un-photogenic fuck.

JUST KIDDING WE FOUND A PICTURE AND NOW YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT IT TOO.

NIGHTMARE FUEL.

Anyway, let’s talk about Ole Miss’ and Cal’s superb defenses. Hahaha, okay, sorry, just a bit of a joke there to lighten the mood for you. Neither of these teams have defenses, and both of these teams can score in bunches. Want to see some fun betting action? Check this out:

THAT’S AN INTERESTING OVER, JIM. MAYBE YOU SHOULD LAY ALL $13,200 OF YOUR CURRENT SAVINGS ON IT AND RETIRE EARLY FOR A YEAR THEN RETURN TO THE WORKFORCE.

How this game will shake out is anyone’s guess. Cal is a member of the Pac-12 and thus always already a CHAOS TEAM. Ole Miss — which is now Texas Tech — can only throw the ball well. They do virtually nothing else in the sport of football. And so we’re left with essentially 60 game minutes of seven-on-seven drills. That actually sounds like a ton of fun!

Further, and here’s the real wrench: this one kicks off at 9:30 p.m. CT, and you know what that means: Ole Miss will find itself squarely in the maelstrom of #PAC12AFTERDARK. If there’s one team on the planet that can insert itself seamlessly into that wild circus tent of a football experience it’s these Ole Miss Rebels. They’re weird and fun and unpredictable and everything you would want in a team with nothing to lose due to a self-imposed postseason ban. Just whip those pistols out and start gunning, guys.