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WEEK 1 WATCHABILITY GUIDE: WATCH ALL OF IT. IT’S COLLEGE FOOTBALL

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There are OPTIONS APLENTY here, and you should tune in for all of it.

NCAA Football: Florida State Spring Game
When you’re about to upset #ROLLTIDE.
Melina Vastola-USA TODAY Sports

Week 0 was last week, and a full nine FBS teams kicked off their 2017 schedules. This week is officially Week 1 of the college football season, and everydamnbody will kick off their 2017 schedules, including the CHEATIN’ REBEL BEARS AT HOME AGAINST SOUTH ALABAMA. NO BOWL, PAAAWWWLLL.

Ahem. This year’s Week 1 is rife with anticipated matchups that may turn out to be total duds. Alabama and Florida State will almost surely deliver, because that shit’s in Atlanta and ATL is a crazy fun city where crazy fun things happen. Let’s get that one loss outta the way, #ROLLTIDE. YOU’RE MAD NOW, TUSCALOOSA.

Ahem. We’re here in Week 1 to discuss what other viewing options you can peruse while Ole Miss beats up on them damn South Alabama Jaguars. This game’s happening at like 6 a.m. Hawaii time or whatever, so we have plenty of day to kill.

Ahem. Ole Miss kicks off its 2017 lost season at 6:30 p.m. CST on Saturday, Sept. 2, 2017 on ESPNU. A primetime slot on a less than primetime network, but one that will be viewed by college football bloggers across this great continent. This is both due to the fact that WE MUST KEEP OUR EYE ON THE CHEATIN’ REBEL BEARS, but also because Ole Miss football is this year’s CHAOS TEAM. CHAOS CHAOS CHAOS.

Anyway, watch at least the first half of this game, until it becomes uninteresting, until it becomes interesting again. Whatever. We have a Jason Isbell series if you’re bored out of your mind.

You’re already watching Florida State and Alabama try to pry the can tops off one another, so they’re not included here. Also, Tennessee at Georgia Tech should be fun. They’re going off at 7 p.m. CT on ESPN, and it’ll be every bit as stupid as you expect it to be.

Ohio State at Indiana, Thursday, 7 p.m. CT, ESPN, WatchESPN

FOOTBALL. ON THURSDAY. BIG TEN, WHICH IS KINDA SORTA FOOTBALL. ON A THURSDAY. We and Indiana sports blog Crimson Quarry are best friends on Twitter, because Ole Miss and Indiana are college football’s current CHAOS TEAMS. If you’re not rooting for the Hoosiers in this mess you don’t have a soul. Fuck Ohio State.

Washington at Rutgers, Friday, 7 p.m. CT, FS1, FOXSportsGO

Why did Washington do this to themselves? This is like a half trap game. They could tear off 70 points on these suckers, but they could also find themselves in a weirdo dogfight over a 16-8 win. BET RUTGERS.

Michigan “at” Florida, Saturday, 2:30 p.m. CT, ABC, WatchESPN

Watch old people fuck each other for three hours in Arlington, Texas. Go ahead.

Appalachian State at Georgia, Saturday, 5:15 p.m. CT, ESPN, WatchESPN

Georgia seriously screwed themselves here. App State is, like, really good, and the way these Bulldogs played last season, they may get burned to the ground in Week 1. This one has last-second drama spectacle potential, so watch the hell out of it.

BYU “at” LSU, 8:30 p.m. CT, ESPN, WatchESPN

This game is your need to watch. It got moved, and far from its original site. Shit’s gonna get weird. Alabama and Florida State are going to do their respective things this season, and certainly this weekend. THIS GAME, on the other hand, could steer the college football year around for the duration. Crazy ass fanbases convening in NOLA? Sure. Why the hell not. BYU is actually pretty damn good, and Ed Orgeron is in his first year at the helm. WATCH THIS SHIT. IT WILL BE LOUISIANA CRAZY.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL, PAAAWWWLL.