The hater’s guide to South Alabama week

Here we are. Week 1.

And here we are with the WEEK 1 HATER’S GUIDE TO WHATEVER WEEK’S OLE MISS OPPONENT WE’RE DEALING WITH. CHAOS TEAM 2017.

This week, South Alabama has earned that distinction. They upset Mississippi State, 21-20, last season during Week 1, and that’s still hilarious. Let’s all have a jolly laugh.

But, no. We’re here for the HATER’S GUIDE TO SOUTH ALABAMA. The Jaguars, which are the worst big cats of the big cats genus. Big cats are merely house cats, but, like, bigger. Sure, they’re violent and murderous, but really, they’re also kinda cute and do stupid shit like loll about in the daytime sun. They sleep a lot, and their internet highlight videos never involve maiming humans. Violent dogs are way more imposing than violent cats, every day of the week. BIG CATS GET LOST.

The Jags. They have the same nickname as the Jacksonville Jaguars, who are a total shit franchise. Put these two together into a tango class and watch them shit all over the floor together. Blake Bortles on the dance floor will break the ankles of every member of this team before eventually breaking his own. Fire Mobile and Jacksonville off into the ether.

Mobile, Alabama. Hahaha, Mobile. “Mobile actually invented Mardi Gras,” they tell you. Mobile “invented” Mardi Gras in the same way that Lord Sandwich or whatever his name was “invented” the sandwich as we know it. New Orleans PERFECTED Mardi Gras. New Orleans OWNED Mardi Gras down to the ground. Mobile “invented” Mardi Gras by getting stupidly drunk and stoned for the first time in its life at the beginning of Lent one year and saying “hey, this is cool, we should have a parade or something.” What the fuck ever, y’all. Your restaurants are cool, though.

So you Jags upset Mississippi State last season. Fantastic. State lost to LSU by three in Les Miles’ dying days and beat — *squints at scorecard* — UMass by 12. The Bulldogs lost to Auburn by 24. They lost by a touchdown to BYU in overtime. THEY LOST BY TWO TO KENTUCKY, AND BY 48 (FORTY EIGHT) TO BAMA. The Jags made history last season, for sure, bruh.

Yeah, you beat San Diego State by double digits in 2016, BUT THAT DON’T MATTER FOR THIS HATER’S GUIDE. WHO YOU BRINGING BACK, PAAAWWWLLL?

Y’all might have a quarterback — might — but you can’t gain yards with any kind of regularity. USA thrives on big gains, which you, average college football viewer, know don’t happen all that often. Ole Miss’ defense may be shit, but they’ll probably still hold their own against a scrub outta *squints at scorecard again* Dothan?

Also, why you gotta go by USA? That makes #USAHateWeek a somewhat problematic hashtag. Why not #SoAla, or some such? Know what? Doesn’t really even matter. The Rebs are favored by four scores.

Ya’ll want some four-star recruits? You need to start buying ‘em, like the pros. Get some personal burner phones, though. Maybe get your rival’s message board moderator to write a book about you, that could do the trick.

You beat State by one point. What the hell is that about? You at least had like seven more in you.

You can still smoke in every bar in Mobile until 4 a.m. CST. What’s up with that?

You have a German bierhaus that serves the absolute worst wurst. What’s up with that? We’re a food blog and we take personal objection to this fact. Fix this.

A Mobile bartender gave me a free t-shirt and coozy for staying until close one night — it was 4 a.m. CT — because I played Meatloaf on their jukebox. Fuck this town.