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The 2017 Ole Miss football season is just days away, and while it will be good to see actual football as opposed to the emotionally crippling parade of awfulness that has been Ole Miss’ offseason, one question still looms large: Who will be the head coach at Ole Miss in 2018?
Ole Miss athletic director Ross Bjork has promised to patiently conduct his search over the coming months, and he’s assured the Rebel faithful that all candidates will undergo a thorough vetting. After the last three coaching hires, Ole Miss fans may not be familiar with that process, but apparently Bjork intends to actually examine candidates’ qualifications and potential fit for the job before simply throwing millions of dollars at the first lunatic who expresses some interest in coming to Oxford. It’s refreshing, I know.
The bad news is that you’ve got weeks and weeks of terrible “_________ to Ole Miss” prognostications ahead of you. From out-of-the-loop national writers to the lowliest Mississippi State message board troll, people with bad opinions will be coming out of the woodwork over the coming weeks and months to make their picks for who will end up at Ole Miss. Not to worry, friend. This exclusive Ole Miss Coaching Search Cold Board will help separate the chaff from the wheat and will let you know exactly who won’t be Ole Miss’s football coach in 2018. We’ve reached out to all of our unnamed sources deep with the IPF* and compiled a comprehensive Cold Board for you, the discerning Ole Miss fan. Below you’ll find a detailed list of every candidate who doesn’t have the slightest chance in hell of ending up in the blue and red.
*Sources are definitely real and not just common sense.
Peyton Manning
Peyton Manning will not coach at Ole Miss.
Ray Lewis
Ray Lewis will not coach at Ole Miss.
Tony Dungy
Tony Dungy will not coach at Ole Miss.
Hugh Freeze
Hugh Freeze will not coach at Ole Miss (again).
Gus Malzahn
Gus Malzahn will not coach at Ole Miss.
Ed Orgeron
Ed Orgeron will not coach at Ole Miss (again).
Jim Harbaugh
Jim Harbaugh will not coach at Ole Miss.
James Franklin
James Franklin will not coach at Ole Miss.
Dabo Swinney
Dabo Swinney will not coach at Ole Miss.
Robbie Caldwell
Robbie Caldwell will not coach at Ole Miss.
Any Current NFL Head Coach
No current NFL head coach will coach at Ole Miss.
Any Former NFL Head Coach
No former NFL head coach will coach at Ole Miss.
Jim McElwain’s Dead Shark
Jim McElwain’s dead shark will not coach at Ole Miss.
Kevin Sumlin
Kevin Sumlin will not coach at Ole Miss.
Donald J. Trump
Donald J. Trump will not coach at Ole Miss.
Jeffrey Vitter
Jeffrey Vitter will not coach at Ole Miss.
Tommy Tuberville
Tommy Tuberville will not coach at Ole Miss again.
Your Mom
Your mom will not coach at Ole Miss.
Pat Forde
Pat Forde will not coach at Ole Miss.
TwoYardsandaCloudofEnricky
I will not coach at Ole Miss.
Ron Prince
Ron Prince will not coach at Ole Miss.
Mike Leach
Mike Leach will not coach at Ole Miss.
Michael Jordan
Michael Jordan will not coach at Ole Miss.
The Liberal Agenda
The liberal agenda will not coach at Ole Miss.
Kirk Ferentz
Kirk Ferentz will not coach at Ole Miss.
A Person Who is Compensated at the Same Rate as the Players
A person who is compensated at the same rate as the players will not coach at Ole Miss. Thanks, NCAA. Dicks.
Steve Bannon
Steve Bannon will not coach at Ole Miss.
Will Muschamp
Will Muschamp will not coach at Ole Miss.
The Ghosts of Long Dead Confederate Generals
The ghosts of long dead confederate generals will not coach at Ole Miss.
Toni Morrison
Nobel Laureate Toni Morrison will not coach at Ole Miss.
Mark Emmert
Mark Emmert will not coach at Ole Miss.
The Friends You Made Along the Way
The friends you made along the way will not coach at Ole Miss.
Cormac McCarthy’s Ex-Wife
Cormac McCarthy’s ex-wife will not coach at Ole Miss.
Tyler Siskey
Tyler Siskey will not coach at Ole Miss.
Zenny Phantom
Zenny Phantom will not coach at Ole Miss
Houston Nutt
Houston Nutt will not coach at Ole Miss (again).