The 2017 hater’s guide to watching Ole Miss football

Welcome, wayward college football fan. Ole Miss ain’t going to a bowl this year, but that don’t matter at all.

Say you actively root for the Ole Miss Rebels. What exactly do you have to root for this year other than CHAOS TEAM GOES UNDEFEATED, PAAAWWWLLL. Say you don’t root for the Ole Miss Rebels. What do you have to root for this year other than I HOPE THEY PICK OFF MY DAMN RIVALS, PAAAWWWLLL.

Whichever way you swing on this singularly important issue, we at Red Cup Rebellion The Website are here for you. That’s why we’ve created this handy HATER’S GUIDE TO WATCHING OLE MISS FOOTBALL IN 2017. We feel entitled — obligated, even — to do this because we consider ourselves fairly circumspect when it comes to college football fandom. Depending on our BAC at the moment, of course.

So here are Ghost, Jim and Gray with a handy list of easy, go-to HATE for whenever the occasion arises. A particularly egregious blunder in offensive play calling? Come on down to the MATT LUKE subheading. Finding yourself a bit bewildered as to why the student section has completely traded sides of the field? Start hollerin’ about the NEW NORTH END ZONE STANDS. Oh, you’re talking about THE TIP SIX yet again? We’ve got you covered, fam. An insult for all occasions. Consider this a public service from us to you.

MATT LUKE, OLE MISS’ INTERIM HEAD COACH

INTERIM COACH, PAAAWWWLLL. How many wins does this guy have in him before he gets the ax? Three? Hell, Ross Bjork and friends are probably already out there looking around for the new guy. This is experimental football.

THE NEW NORTH END ZONE STANDS, OLE MISS’ FANCY STADIUM

Oh, so the Ole Miss student section is now up in the NORTH end zone? Wow, what a strong statement from a northern, liberal elitism, university administration. Don’t you know WE’RE IN THE SOUTH AND YOU OUTSIDE AGITATORS TOOK DOWN OUR PRECIOUS FLAG THEN TOOK OUR STUDENTS UP NORTH? Be a real shame if REAL DAMN AMERICANS found out about this particular bit of PC culture run amok. A real shame.

SHEP RATTLERSON (SHEA PATTERSON, WHO PISSES EVERYONE OFF), OLE MISS’ FANCY QUARTERBACK

Ol’ Shea-Shea. Ol’ slinging the pigskin ‘round the yard, turning tail outta the pocket Shep Rattlerson. Shea butter. More like Shea PatterSLAMMED-TO-THE-GROUND-AGAINST-MISSISSIPPI-STATE, AMIRITE?!

Here’s the thing: Shea’s new facial hair policy needs to be fired off into the sun, then that sun shot off into another sun, and then that sun shot off into a black hole named like QRZ-87E. Like my guy tripped and fell into a Wooly Willy thing. My dude woke up one day with a smattering of beard (?) and thought, “I like this. I look good like this. Definitely no one will place this facial hair decision in a hater’s guide to the upcoming football season.” YA GOT CUPPED, SHEA-SHEA.

THE OLE MISS DEFENSE

HAHAHA what defense.

THE OLE MISS RECEIVING CORPS

OOOHHH look at you, WRU. DON’T YA KNOW THAT CLEMSON LAID SOLE CLAIM TO THAT DISTINCTION, LIKE, AT LEAST THREE YEARS AGO? A little late to the party, kiddos. This is where the large adult boys play. And anyway, Y’ALL BOUGHT ALL THEM BIG PASS CATCHERS IN THE FIRST PLACE, YA CHEATIN’ REBEL BEARS. CHEEEAAATTTEEERRRSSS.

THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE HATING ON COMMENSURATE PAY FOR LABOR EXPENDED, Y’ALL.

PAT FORDE

More like Fat Porde.

THE NCAA INVESTIGATION

CHEATIN’ REBEL BEARS GOT CAUGHT SPEEDING. EVERYONE’S DOING 10 OVER THE SPEED LIMIT BUT OLE MISS OUT HERE GOING 50 OVER. THAT’LL BE A $5 MILLION FINE, PLEASE. SORRY, NCAA POLICE, WE’RE GUILTY, AND FOR THAT WE’LL SELF-FLAGELLATE WITH A SELF-IMPOSED BOWL BAN AND SOME SCHOLARSHIP REDUCTIONS. OH, HOW ABOUT ANOTHER AWKWARD TAPED “PRESS CONFERENCE” WITH ROSS BJORK AND PRESIDENT VITTER? SURE, THAT’LL FIX THIS WHOLE CLUSTERMESS. IF YOU BOUGHT 10 WINS IN 2015, YOU DIDN’T BUY ANY WINS. SHOOOWWW-CAAAUUUSSSEEE.

HUGH FREEZE

Boy you done FUCKED up now, huh?

We’re gonna level with you here. Most of the stuff you’ve got people so mad over doesn’t bother us a damn bit. Not at all. Y’all presided over a college football program that got into trouble with the NCAA? Don’t care. Hell, we almost admire y’all for not obeying the arbitrary, capriciously enforced, and morally void rules of the NCAA’s labor-cartel-masquerading-as-some-sort-of-noble-defender-of-the-bullshit-virtue-of-amateurism business model. PAY THE PLAYERS DAMMIT.

You asked people to come at you and stuck to your guns? That’s fine, stick up for yourself and don’t cave to whatever spiteful dickheads on the internet say. It rubbed people the wrong way because they weren’t gonna fucking like you in the first place, and you only reminded them of that. So fuck ‘em.

You won games and perhaps disrespected the TIDE? Great, every coach in America wants to do that.

You got some strange shit on the side, like a loss to South Alabama? Whatever, that’s fine. Smash on, my dude. We’re not-virgin adults — we swear — so we don’t really concern ourselves with the sex lives of strangers. That’s between you, your family, and the escorts on your university phone, so party on, for all we care.

You tweeted and said a lot of stuff about Jesus before all of this? Well, it’s been a minute since we cracked the good book ourselves, but isn’t the idea that all of us are dirty filthy selfish sinners a central tenet of the Christian faith? Matthew might warn us of hypocrites, but Matthew doesn’t say you can’t tweet about Jesus and then lie about butt dialing a prostitute or whatever, so you’re good.

But you did all this shit on a company phone. Like, shit dude. That’s dumb as hell, like, so inconceivably stupid that it’s nothing short of hysterical. Hell, we’re cautious enough with our work phones as to worry about doing something as innocuous as Googling the word “butt” on it, so the flippant disregard for any sort of discretion on your part is, frankly, amazing. Cheers.

Throw your phone in the trash, Hugh. And, while you’re at it, delete the hell out of your Twitter account. You’ll probably be an offensive consultant — one of like 30 — in Tuscaloosa soon, so just lay low and ride this out.

THE SEC’S NEW CLEAR BAG POLICY

Fuck y’all. This is going to make being a bagman just so, so much more difficult. Look, I’ve got to be discreet when doing my business. I can’t let the recruits know what their going rate is relative to the guy standing next to them. This ain’t the government; our pay scales aren’t published on the damned internet. This is a business and we can’t recruit and retain talent if we’re bamboozled into normalizing wages due to a transparent payment structure.

Also, I wanna sneak booze into stadiums. I would just, like, buy it there, but y’all won’t sell it, so what the hell am I supposed to do?

THE GROVE

Oh boy, everyone’s so fancy here! How nice! Look at that chandelier! And it’s hanging above a keg! Nice blue jacket, bro, did you have to memorize all of Sigma Nu’s history then chug a handle of Jack to earn the privilege of wearing it? Is that a cigarette burn on your arm from your rush director? Must be fun. You look like you’re about to be arraigned for an ill-advised construction-site equipment incident. Also, there was a shotgun involved, but not in the way that you think.

And fuck that Red Cup (Rebellion).

RED CUPS

Is this seriously a cultural touchstone? A ramshackle piece of plastic? AND YOU NAMED AN ENTIRE WEBSITE AFTER IT? HOW HARD CAN YOU OWN YOURSELVES ON THE INTERNET? PRETTY HARD, JIM. Also, look at this sad shit:

What the fuck.

Red cups are merely vessels for imbibing. They are vehicles to drunkenness. They are litter. This website is litter. Red cups are not in any way iconic or declamatory or NOW, whatever the hell that means. Red cups are plastic, and they are litter at the end of the day. Go get a YETI or something. Lord that’s stupid also. There’s no way out of this.

College football is awesome, but it’s also terrible.

DAN MULLEN

You looked like a high school senior at his big brother’s bachelor party chompin’ on that gas station stogie after the Egg Bowl. Congrats, you beat a bad Ole Miss team! You still live in Starkville and spend much of your day around Mississippi State fans. “Oh, but I get $4M a year.” Great, enjoy $4M worth of McDoubles and cows with holes in the side of them, you dork-ass goober. Also, buy a suit that fits.

MISSISSIPPI STATE

Texas A&M’s colors suck, Georgia’s mascot is boring and dies in its youth because of inbreeding, and y’all decided to combine the both of them while flavoring your entire raison d’être with pure, unadulterated spite for Ole Miss. Your entire identity is defined in terms related to your rival. The most unique thing about you is that you welded a tricycle handle to something that cows used to wear around their necks. Starkville is the SEC’s worst college town and literally everyone else but you in this stupid conference of ours believes this.

You could win a billion Egg Bowls and none of this would change. That drives you fucking insane.

COLIN COWHERD

You’re not interesting and the cadence of your voice is weird. Go the hell away.

THE MANNING FAMILY

They say that Archie Manning would go out in the backyard with Cooper and sling hardball missiles at the young receiver to improve his hands or something, and that’s about as Louisiana as you can get. Archie of course intervened on Eli’s draft day, saving him from the horrors of San Diego for the horrors of New York. Can we consider Archie the President of Football Operations at Ole Miss? Yeah, probably.

WHERE’S THAT DAMN HEISMAN, ELI?

THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

Haha, is anyone ever gonna beat #ROLLTIDE, you freaking scrubs? You’re gonna send the damn Florida Gators to Atlanta for the SEC Championship again this year, aren’t you? Wait, no, it’ll be Kentucky and they’ll have to cart Mark Stoops outta there in a body bag. Is that Will Muschamp over there eating rocks again? What a loser.

What’s that? Is that the GUS MALZAHN HOT SEAT CLOWN SHOW coming to town again? It is! Wouldya look at that. Our hope is that poor Gussy pulls a Les Miles and gets shit-canned by, like, Week 5. We hear Kevin Sumlin may be available for work by then, too. Oh, speaking of which, has anyone seen or heard from Kirby Smart since November? Maybe he’s hanging with Jimmy Hoffa somewhere.

Vanderbilt, Missouri: YOU CAN SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.

CLAY TRAVIS

Fuck Clay Travis.

THE TIP SIX

How are you still talking about this? THAT WAS DURING THE DAMN OBAMA ADMINISTRATION. And just like that administration, this play ain’t nothing but socialism on the gridiron.

Did Ole Miss work for it? NOPE. Did the Tide, its rich neighbor, give it all away because the government forced them to do it? YEP. And did Ole Miss’ standing improve because of the Tides’ wealth? YOU KNOW IT, BUSTER.

Ole Miss is out here NOT making America great again, IMO.

FOOTBALL, Y’ALL.