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We were able to get the transcripts* of Hugh Freeze’s massage parlor calls (this is a joke)

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Based on the number of calls, the former Ole Miss head coach appeared to be very curious about the art of massage.

NCAA Football: Mississippi at Louisiana State Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports

By now, we're all familiar with the memos from Thomas Mars' legal secretaries, Dan Wolken and Pat Forde, about Hugh Freeze's tendency to spend time on recruiting trips calling businesses with employees who will be VERY friendly with you for a fee. As ESPN reported on Tuesday evening, Freeze made at least 12 calls to such establishments, beginning in April 2014*.

The calls, which we know took place in Tampa and Houston (with the possibility of more cities!), typically wrapped up in two minutes or less. The brevity of the calls indicates that Freeze was strictly business on the phone, and one might assume that he was likely setting up an appointment, with minimal folksy banter.

*As a refresher, you know what else he did beginning in 2014? Beating Alabama and making people #MADONLINE and #SOVERYMADIRL.

Fortunately, we here at Red Cup Rebellion, Ole Miss' ELITE phone transcript-obtaining blog, don’t have to speculate on what was said because we obtained the very real transcripts of these calls. Incredibly, we were able to do so without the assistance of Mars’ legal staff or lead investigator, who also happens to be Ole Miss’ top compliance blogger, historian, culture expert/author, and self-publisher. We know, we are amazing. You don't have to tell us.

Although there are at least 12 calls, we did not produce all the transcripts because they get repetitive, and Lord knows you still need to get to the oxygen of position previews sometime today. With that in mind, let's review what was said during a few of these calls.

January 19, 2016 - Tampa, FL - 8:07 PM

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: Thank you for calling Movie Review Services, how may I help you?

FREEZE: I believe The Godfather: Part II was better than The Godfather.

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: What about Robert Duvall?

FREEZE: A great American actor.

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: Thank you for your call. The Days of Thunder fans are in the garage talking with Tom Cruise.

(call ends)

Hmmm. Seems like a guy who just wanted to talk motion pictures. Not sure what’s so wrong about that. Maybe the next transcript will reveal more information.

October 7, 2016 - Tampa, FL - 8:36 PM

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: We are having a wonderful day here at the Book Club Association. May I help you?

FREEZE: I’m trying to track down a copy of Devine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: Is the novel still in print?

FREEZE: Since being published in 1996, I don’t believe it has ever gone out of print.

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: We should be able to find a copy. In the meantime, we suggest watching the film version, starring Sandra Bullock, at your earliest convenience.

(call ends)

Who doesn’t enjoy some light reading while on a trip? And so nice of that book club to help out a visitor to the city of Tampa. We’re still not seeing what the big deal is here. Perhaps we’re missing something.

December 4, 2016 - Houston, TX - 7:54 PM

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: Arcades of American Fun, how may I assist you?

FREEZE: The spring is a great time to play Big Buck Hunter in the local arcade.

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: You need many quarters to play that game.

FREEZE: I collect state quarters, but haven’t found Iowa yet.

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: You should use your quarters before the 10-point bucks get away.

(call ends)

He can't enjoy some down time while working on the road? SMH. How dare we judge that. This seems like one of those popular FAKE NEWS WITCH HUNTS.

Finally, as ESPN's report mentioned, the calls "usually lasted two minutes or less." However, there was one call that went on for quite some time. Could this be a salacious call?

December 5, 2016 - Houston, TX - 7:41 PM

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: Thank you for calling Domino's. This is Tim, how can I help you?

FREEZE: I hear the supreme is the finest of all the pizzas.

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: Yes sir, we do make a good supreme pizza. The freshest toppings. It's probably my favorite.

FREEZE: Uh, well, uh, what oven temperature do you use?

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: Uh, maybe like 350. I think that's pretty universal in cooking things.

FREEZE: (silence)

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: Sir, are you there?

FREEZE: Uh, is that available in the thin crust?

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: Yes, sir. It's available on thin, deep pan, classic, gluten-free base, edge, and cheesy crust.

FREEZE: Wait, what?

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: The supreme pizza is available on our entire family of crusts.

FREEZE: Hang on, am I ... am I talking to a real pizza place right now?

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: Yes, sir. This is Domino's. Would you like to place an order?

FREEZE: (silence)

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: Sir?

FREEZE: Uh, well, I guess ... what are the specials tonight?

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: We've got a two-topping medium for $7.99, but I can get you that supreme for $8.99.

FREEZE: Well, heck, that sounds good to me. I'll take it.

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: Ok, great. Just need a name for the order.

FREEZE: Job. J-O-B.

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: And will this be delivery or pick-up?

FREEZE: Pick-up.

FRIENDLY BUSINESS: Ok, great. Should have it ready for you in about 20 minutes. Thanks for calling Domino's.

FREEZE: Thank you.

(call ends)

Willfully ordering Domino’s? JAIL HIM.