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Why are Ole Miss people so unwilling to share solar eclipse viewing tips?

It’s a simple question with a simple premise, so what are they hiding?

Total Solar Eclipse Sweeps Across Indonesia Photo by Ulet Ifansasti/Getty Images

In the early afternoon of this coming Monday, a complete solar eclipse will be viewable from much of the continental United States of America. During this time, the sun will be completely obscured by the moon in an event that is as rare as it is surreal, causing the daytime to feel like night and even, as some have described, giving those who behold it a unique, almost out-of-body like experience.

The rarity and excitement of the event, however, does lend to some significant safety concerns. There are hazards of looking directly into the eclipse without proper eyewear, and distracted motorists are liable to cause accidents and significant traffic issues. Also, solar eclipses have been used throughout history as portents of doom, justification for human sacrifices, and other things of that nature, so, generally speaking, there are some hazards involved.

Being the internet’s top Ole Miss astronomy blog, we felt it right to do you a service in preparation for Monday’s total solar eclipse. To prepare for you, dear reader, an Ole Miss insider’s guide of proper eclipse viewing tips and tricks, we reached back to our deep bench on the subject.

This means asked Marshall Henderson on Twitter:

We did not get a response, and that was not good enough for us.

Along with our initial inquiry of Marshall Henderson, we asked 30 Ole Miss-related people for their best solar eclipse viewing insider tips, tricks, and secrets. Our list of esteemed eclipse experts is as follows:

  • Current world champion pole vaulter Sam Kendricks
  • Denver Broncos quarterback Chad Kelly
  • Fox News anchor Shepard Smith
  • Pop singer Katy Perry
  • Mustachioed distance runner Craig Engels
  • Spanish basketballer Sebastian Saiz
  • Ole Miss softball player Kylan Becker
  • Ole Miss softball coach Mike Smith
  • Ole Miss soccer players Liza Harbin, Marnie Merritt, and Marisa Kutchma
  • Former Ole Miss basketball star and longtime friend of the Cup Murphy Holloway
  • The voice of the Ole Miss Rebels, David Kellum
  • Ole Miss Athletics Director Ross Bjork
  • Ole Miss baseball coach Mike Bianco
  • Former Ole Miss basketball assistant and Red Cup Twitter fam Kory Keys
  • Ole Miss Chancellor Jeffrey Vitter
  • Arizona Cardinals defensive lineman Robert Nkemdiche
  • Robert Nkemdiche’s very interesting brother Denzel “Zenny Phantom” Nkemdiche (legit upset to not have gotten an answer from Zenny P)
  • NASCAR driver Ricky Stenhouse Jr.
  • Noted fan of whomever you’d like for him to be a fan of, Kenny Chesney
  • A top-rated amateur golfer and current Ole Miss student Braden Thornberry
  • Cincinnati Reds shortstop and Major League All-Star Zack Cozart
  • Former Ole Miss quarterbacks Romaro Miller and Bo Wallace
  • Sports talk radio host Richard Cross
  • Ole Miss Physics Professor Dr. Vance Eschenburg
  • Mississippi State fan and prior Podcast Rebellion guest Steven “Stingray” Ray
  • Super bizarre Ole Miss recruit Twitter stalker Jim Schute (by request)
  • Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Cody Core
  • Ole Miss compliance blogger Steve “Armsleeves” Robertson

As of this publication, we have received exactly one response from all of the aforementioned solar eclipse experts.

The question was, we felt, a very simple one. We here at the internet’s premier Ole Miss astronomy blog want to provide to our audience all of the insider solar eclipse viewing tips, tricks, tools, rumors, and analysis we can. We did not, however, want to provide the same information that could be gleaned from any cursory Google search. We want your experience here to be unique and interesting. We want football players, NASCAR drivers, and school administrators alike to weigh in with Ole Miss-tailored options for viewing this rare astronomical phenomenon. We did get one item of unsolicited advice from the fine city of Tupelo, Miss.

But on the whole we got nothing.

Why won’t anyone answer our question? Why couldn’t anyone get back to us on this? The premise was simple and the inquiry harmless, and yet not even a “don’t stare directly at it without those dorky glasses” could be wiggled out of Bo Wallace’s Twitter account.

Makes you wonder what the real 2017 eclipse is here? Is it the orbital path of the moon crossing in between the sun and the earth with just enough distance among the three to allow for a complete umbral shadow to follow a path across the continental United States, or is Ole Miss yet again conspiring to cover up NCAA wrongdoing?

You be the judge.