BREAKING: Area man uses phone

OXFORD, Miss. — As was first reported by Dan Wolken of the USA Today newspaper, area man Hugh Freeze reportedly used his telephone to make telephone calls. Wolken, who obtained transcriptions of records from Freeze’s telephone using a little known legal/journalistic maneuver known as “requesting records through the Freedom of Information Act” –- or more colloquially “Freedoming” –- asserted that Freeze utilized his telephone for the express purpose of communicating with people who were not in his physical vicinity.

Freeze has been embroiled in an ongoing telephonic scandal, dating back to this summer’s famed Houston Dale Nutt v. Hubert Freeze lawsuit. Nutt, claiming that Freeze defamed him and stole 13 of his prize hens, was able to obtain evidence of Freeze’s telephone calls to a house of ill repute. What wasn’t immediately clear during those proceedings was the fact that Freeze apparently utilized his telephone for other communicative purposes.

The context of those telephonic communications remains unclear, but as Wolken has reported, the existence of such conversations is now undeniable. Hugh Freeze operated a telephone.

Freeze, reached via telegraph, declined to comment.

The telephone itself is not without controversy. First used by Alexander Graham Bell, the telephone has steadily gained fame as an easy way to avoid ever-rising telegram fees, but detractors claim that perhaps devils send their messages through the wires. One thing is certain, though: the Hugh Freeze telephone scandal is yet another black mark against this burgeoning technological marvel.

May we all, as phone users, feel shame this day.