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DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GO TO AN IKEA ‘CRAYFISH PARTY,’ WHATEVER THAT IS

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A proper CRAWFISH boil in New Orleans, LA.
Photo by Mario Tama/Getty Images

Around noon ET on Thursday, ESPN’s Bomani Jones perplexedly quote-tweeted an 11-Alive News Atlanta announcement that Atlanta’s IKEA was going to host a “crayfish (?) party” on Sept. 15 (?) in the year of our Lord 2017. The announce was rightly met with swift and virulent Twitter derision from all decent human beings everywhere.

Let us be perfectly clear here, as the foremost food blog on the world wide web: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER SHOULD YOU OR WILL YOU ATTEND A “CRAYFISH PARTY” AT THE ATLANTA AREA IKEA IN FREAKING SEPTEMBER. IF YOU ARE SPOTTED AT THIS EVENT, YOU WILL BE CORRECTLY INTERNET-SHAMED. YOU DESERVE BAD THINGS THAT TASTE BAD, AND YOU SHOULD BE FORCED TO EAT WHATEVER “CRAYFISH” IS FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE.

THIS IS CANON AND WE WILL BROACH NO OBJECTIONS.

Now, the reasons for this prohibition are manifold. First, YOU’RE GOING TO DAMN IKEA IN DOWNTOWN ATLANTA FOR A “CRAYFISH PARTY,” WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS. Second, YOU’RE GOING TO A “CRAYFISH PARTY” — AGAIN, WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS. WHAT IS A “CRAYFISH,” ANYWAY? IS IT CRAWFISH-ADJACENT. WE HOPE TO HIGH HEAVEN THAT IT AIN’T, BECAUSE CRAWFISH IS GLORIOUS AND DELICIOUS. Third, THIS “CRAYFISH PARTY,” WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS, IS HAPPENING ON FREAKING SEPTEMBER 15, 2017. IN ATLANTA, GEORGIA. THAT IS FAR OUT OF SEASON FOR CRAWFISH WITH A “W.”

Fourth — and perhaps most disturbing here — THE “CRAYFISH PARTY” AT THE ATLANTA IKEA’S MENU IS DOWNRIGHT ATROCIOUS. LOOK AT THIS MONSTROSITY:

IKEA's annual Swedish Crayfish Party on Sept. 15 will feature a spread with plenty of crayfish, deviled eggs, Swedish cucumber salad, Swedish cheeses, corn cobbettes, macaroni and cheese, soup and of course Swedish meatballs with lingonberry jam.

HOLD THE HELL ON. SWEDISH CUCUMBER SALAD? SWEDISH? “OF COURSE SWEDISH MEATBALLS WITH LINGONBERRY JAM?” LIKE, “OF COURSE?” HOW “OF COURSE?” SWEDISH MEATBALLS? LINGONBERRY F-ING JAM? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

THE ONLY INGREDIENTS ACCEPTABLE IN A TRADITIONAL DOWN-HOME CRAWFISH BOIL — WITH A “W,” YOU SCHMUCKS — ARE THE FOLLOWING: CRAWFISH (WITH A “W”), CORN ON THE COB, SAUSAGE, AND SOMETIMES RED POTATOES. THAT’S IT. OLD BAY AND BOIL. TOSS IT ON THE NEWSPAPERS ON THE GROUND AND LITERALLY DIVE FACE-FIRST INTO THAT SLOP. THAT IS ALL THAT YOU NEED. BASTA.

LORD WE’RE ANGRY. IKEA’s instructions for peeling crayfish crawfish are rather helpful, though.