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Ole Miss and NCAA setting up for a heavyweight bout in September. Fantastic.

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You’ll never believe it, but the NCAA enforcement staff stands by every bit of its investigation.

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NCAA Football: SEC Media Days Adam Hagy-USA TODAY Sports

Nearly lost in the uproar over Houston Nutt’s lawsuit getting its wrong-jurisdiction ass thrown out of federal court, Ole Miss released its case summary of alleged crootin’ crimes, the NCAA enforcement staff’s written reply to their response, and the Committee on Infractions Appearance Letter. The most significant of those documents was the appearance letter, which told Ole Miss representatives they need to be in scenic Covington, Ky. (Gateway to the South!) on Monday, Sept. 11 to answer for their crimes.

Hosting the potential bare-knuckle brawl between Ole Miss and the NCAA enforcement staff is the prestigious John A. Roebling Ballroom at the Embassy Suites by Hilton Cincinnati RiverCenter hotel.* Both sides will present their SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT arguments to the Committee on Infractions, who will then absorb the information and issue a judgment somewhere in the ballpark of late October to early November.

*LOL. Fam, it’s an Embassy Suites. Let’s knock off a few words there.

You may be asking, if it’s going to be two to three days of STREET FIGHTIN’ IN THE JOHN A. ROEBLING BALLROOM, does that mean the enforcement staff did not agree with Ole Miss’ response? Indeed they did not!

The enforcement staff didn’t back off anything, including the $33 value of a homesick player staying at Chris Kiffin’s house for a night or two.

If someone ever tells me that the value of staying in my home for up to two nights is $33, please let me crawl in a hole and die. They’re telling me my home is close to or worse than LIVING IN AN OFF-BRAND MOTEL 6.

However, most importantly as it relates to the teeth of this investigation, the enforcement staff believes every word that came out of Leo Lewis’ mouth. Not just believes it, but is willing to die on the hill for someone who hasn’t told the same story twice and has had his statements ripped apart, despite facing zero interviews from people not named NCAA Investigator Sheriff 1 and NCAA Investigator Sheriff’s Deputy 1.

If you’re scoring at home, “when possible” the enforcement staff checked out his story and it was totally fine, y’all. However, we’re not providing any examples of what we did to make sure it checked out. Just trust us this one time. When have we ever screwed up an investigation before?

Just how credible was Lewis?

MATERIALLY CORRECT, PEOPLE. That’s as good as the gospel truth.

Also of significant note, the enforcement staff, after letting the tales of Leo Lewis wash over them in delight, decided to mention that Ole Miss did not exemplarily cooperate.

If you’ve followed this mess from the beginning, you should recall that Ole Miss specifically made a point to show exemplary cooperation. They held fast to this line, despite knowing the enforcement staff was sneaking around, changing the direction of the investigation without telling Ole Miss, and leaking confidential information to #sprotswriters who would willingly publish their bullshit, while Ole Miss sat there and took the PR hits.

It’s almost like they did whatever they wanted with no care for their procedural rules!

Yet, despite Ole Miss giving them nearly everything but the Leo Lewis/Kobe Jones statements that miraculously fell out of the heavens, the enforcement staff believes Ole Miss did not cooperate in an exemplary, five-star, blue reading group, school service award fashion. SEEMS LEGIT.

While we could spend many more words on the enforcement staff’s reply, I’d prefer to not read Mike Sheridan’s zealot literature (though at least nothing in this reply appears to be as outrageously racist as his previous work against players at Ole Miss), and spend my time wasting my time. To me, the best way to summarize the enforcement staff’s reply to Ole Miss, thus saving all of us from BORING READING, is to consult My Cousin Vinny:

With that statement issued, on September 11th in the Year of our Lord 2017, LAWYAS TOUCH GLOVES.