Well, well, well ... So the rubber has finally met the road, and your bank account ain't quite as flush as T-Swift — we can't all sip on high dollar bourbons and scotches week in and out.
It's time for the succulent umami washing across your taste buds like the cooling waters of the Atlantic in Myrtle Beach on Labor Day — CHEAP AMERICAN BEER.
Oh, you're too good for cheap American beers? Well, go to another damn blog where they talk vodka and Stalin you pinko lib commie.
Red Cup's Top Five Rad American Beers for 2017:
1.) Bud Light — The new can design is fire emoji 100 emoji. Seriously, it's the greatest beer of all time. Yeah I know you like HopScotch Scottish Ale from PootButters BathTub Brewing, but guess what? They don't have TRILLIONS of dollars of sales, so Bud Light is the best ever beer for tailgating, dinner time, pool time, funeral time, kid's birthday time, etc.
2.) Natty Light — Yo, grab a 30 rack for $15 cash and let the good times roll. Mickey Mantle, one of the greatest athletes of all time and greatest alcoholics of all time, was once a spokesman for this iconic pilsner (lager? ale?), giving it all the street cred you'd ever need.
3.) Busch Light/Michey Ultra — It's the same beer but just different cans — breaking news. Low carbs and calories plus it’s more refreshing than a cold piece of watermelon on the Fourth of July and almost as patriotic. Plus, if you're slamming Michey Mantles, you know you're an athlete that prolly just got done climbing a mountain or crushing a CrossFit WOD.
4.) IDK, like, Miller? — Tastes like piss and LSU fans drink it, so I guess you can dip into it ironically?
5.) Coors Light — What do Coors Light and making love in a canoe have in common? They're both fucking near water. God-awful but still better than some pun-heavy named IPA that is really just Pine Sol and gutter water.