As the 2017 version of the NFL Draft bears down on us, there’s just enough time left to squeeze in one more of the thousands of fake drafts that will play out in zero ways like the real draft. The only downside to a last-second mock draft is that there will be far too few hours left for people to get mad about something that is fake, which is a shame.
This mock draft is a lot like your standard mock draft in that it covers the first round and should be taken VERY seriously as the gospel truth. However, it’s not a lot like your standard mock draft in that draft-eligible players will be limited to seniors of the 2016 season who attended a school that beat Alabama two straight years.
Sure, that cuts into the talent pool, but I’m sure there will be plenty of schools represented. So without any more delays, let’s get to drafting.
Cleveland, you are on the clock!
Drew Davis, QB, Ole Miss
Smh. Even in mock drafts the Browns can’t pick the right player.
Cleveland Browns (from San Francisco)
Chad Kelly, QB, Ole Miss
Though forced to trade the 12th pick and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to San Francisco just minutes after selecting a quarterback No. 1 overall, the Browns get their franchise quarterback.
If this were to happen, right about now is when the Browns’ Twitter mentions would be flooded with expert opinions on Chad Kelly. Hopefully, the Browns would say they couldn’t hear the haters over this:
But more than likely, they’d tweet the security code to their offices.
Evan Engram, TE, Ole Miss
As the mock draft master strategy saying goes, when in doubt, take the best player on the board. Engram is just that with his excellent route-running and speed for a guy his size. It’s a shame we won’t get to see Jay Cutler throw interceptions to defenders who are trying to cover Engram.
Jeremy Liggins, OT, Ole Miss
Yet another left tackle from Ole Miss going in the first round.
D.J. Jones, DT, Ole Miss
Whenever you can add quickness, power, and the ability to make diving fat guy interceptions to your defensive line, you have to do it.
New York Jets
Quincy Adeboyejo, WR, Ole Miss
Los Angeles Chargers
Tony Conner, S, Ole Miss
A web series in which we follow Conner as he learns to surf and eventually becomes a surfing champion, thus bringing another title to the University of South Panola.
ALTERNATE: A web series where Conner just talks about things he likes and doesn’t like about Los Angeles (WOULD WATCH).
Akeem Judd, RB, Ole Miss
The Panthers need warm bodies to absorb some of the hits Cam Newton would usually take, and Judd is built to handle that. Plus, he’s from just up the road in Durham, which means owner Jerry Richardson can use the money he would normally spend on moving expenses to conduct a study to see if raising parking prices by $25 is too much. PRACTICAL AND THRIFTY.
Fadol Brown, DE, Ole Miss
Having watched the Bengals’ season of Hard Knocks, team owner Mike Brown strikes me as the type of guy who would draft a player because they have the same last name.
John Youngblood, DE, Ole Miss
TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE.
New Orleans Saints
Tony Bridges, DB, Ole Miss
All part of the Saints’ plan to spend eight consecutive drafts selecting only defensive players in hopes that they can field a functioning defense before 2030 gets here.
Cleveland Browns (from San Francisco, from Cleveland)
Will Few, LS, Ole Miss
Browns management knows you can’t pass up a long snapper when he’s at the top of your board, even if it did cost you two third-round picks and fishing rights in Lake Erie to get back your original 12th pick.
Isaac Gross, DT, Ole Miss
Maybe he can help motivate last year’s first-round pick, Robert Nkemdi- lol nope.
Derrick Jones, WR/DB/WR/DB/WR/DB, Ole Miss
Is it just me or is this a really Ole Miss-heavy draft?
Kailo Moore, DB, Ole Miss
WHEN I TURN ON THE TAPE OF KAILO MOORE, ALL I SEE IS A GUY WHO WANTS TO GET THE FOOTBALL.
THIS GUY. KAILO MOORE. HE JUST GETS THE FOOTBALL.
Cleveland Browns (from Baltimore)
Nathan Noble, K, Ole Miss
Still haunted by the Laremy Tunsil video from last year’s draft, the Ravens donated this pick to the Browns. They prefer to spend this pick polishing their Ray Lewis statue rather than select someone who could’ve done a weed.
Meanwhile, Cleveland pounces on a chance to strengthen their special teams in the first round.
Rommel Mageo, LB, Ole Miss
Dan Snyder never passes on a chance to snag a one-time free agent.
Hunter Thurley, TE, Ole Miss
I was about to say that with a name like that he HAD to go to Nashville. Turns out, he’s from Nashville!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Carlos Davis, DB, Ole Miss
Really surprised we haven’t seen any LSU or Alabama players drafted yet. Seems like they’re always being taken in the first round.
Martin Johnson, RB, Ole Miss
Just a hunch that the Broncos go back to the ways of the late ‘90s when they picked up any running back and turned him into a 1,000-yard rusher.
Cleveland Browns (from Detroit)
Tyler Jackson, K, Ole Miss
When you trade up to get a backup kicker, why not draft a kicker who backed up many kickers? It’s about experience, people.
Robert Conyers, C, Ole Miss
He’s from Miami, Laremy Tunsil put in a good word for him, and he can handle his cold tubs.
New York Giants
Temario Strong, LB, Ole Miss
Even if Strong never plays a game for the Giants, he might have a connection with a guy who knows how to make it look like he did.
Taz Zettergren, TE, Ole Miss
The Raiders love to talk about the “commitment to excellence”, which sounds like the tag line to a commercial for a luxury car with California redwood paneling and elephant ivory accents. And you can’t get much closer to “commitment to excellence” than being in the vicinity of excellence.
Oakland Raiders (from Houston)
Talbot Buys, OL, Ole Miss
MORE COMMITMENT TO BEING IN THE VICINITY OF EXCELLENCE.
Jacob Feeley, C, Ole Miss
Can’t wait for Feeley to come back to Oxford and engage everyone in discussions about truth, like his new head coach.
Kansas City Chiefs
Before Andy Reid screws up the clock management on this pick, I’ve just been informed that we cannot complete the first round. Apparently, there are no more draft-eligible players who attended a school that beat Alabama in consecutive years.
Sorry, Kansas City, Dallas, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, Atlanta, and New Orleans. No picks for you. Please forward all complaints to Auburn, Arkansas, LSU, Mississippi State, Texas A&M, Florida, and Tennessee.