A very serious 2017 NFL mock draft

As the 2017 version of the NFL Draft bears down on us, there’s just enough time left to squeeze in one more of the thousands of fake drafts that will play out in zero ways like the real draft. The only downside to a last-second mock draft is that there will be far too few hours left for people to get mad about something that is fake, which is a shame.

This mock draft is a lot like your standard mock draft in that it covers the first round and should be taken VERY seriously as the gospel truth. However, it’s not a lot like your standard mock draft in that draft-eligible players will be limited to seniors of the 2016 season who attended a school that beat Alabama two straight years.

Sure, that cuts into the talent pool, but I’m sure there will be plenty of schools represented. So without any more delays, let’s get to drafting.

Cleveland, you are on the clock!

Cleveland Browns

Drew Davis, QB, Ole Miss

Smh. Even in mock drafts the Browns can’t pick the right player.

Cleveland Browns (from San Francisco)

Chad Kelly, QB, Ole Miss

Though forced to trade the 12th pick and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to San Francisco just minutes after selecting a quarterback No. 1 overall, the Browns get their franchise quarterback.

If this were to happen, right about now is when the Browns’ Twitter mentions would be flooded with expert opinions on Chad Kelly. Hopefully, the Browns would say they couldn’t hear the haters over this:

And this:

But more than likely, they’d tweet the security code to their offices.

Chicago Bears

Evan Engram, TE, Ole Miss

As the mock draft master strategy saying goes, when in doubt, take the best player on the board. Engram is just that with his excellent route-running and speed for a guy his size. It’s a shame we won’t get to see Jay Cutler throw interceptions to defenders who are trying to cover Engram.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Jeremy Liggins, OT, Ole Miss

Yet another left tackle from Ole Miss going in the first round.

Tennessee Titans

D.J. Jones, DT, Ole Miss

Whenever you can add quickness, power, and the ability to make diving fat guy interceptions to your defensive line, you have to do it.

New York Jets

Quincy Adeboyejo, WR, Ole Miss

The Jets offense finished 31st in offensive efficiency in 2016. To turn things around, you need explosive playmakers who can make tough catches in traffic, like this one.

Los Angeles Chargers

Tony Conner, S, Ole Miss

A web series in which we follow Conner as he learns to surf and eventually becomes a surfing champion, thus bringing another title to the University of South Panola.

ALTERNATE: A web series where Conner just talks about things he likes and doesn’t like about Los Angeles (WOULD WATCH).

Carolina Panthers

Akeem Judd, RB, Ole Miss

The Panthers need warm bodies to absorb some of the hits Cam Newton would usually take, and Judd is built to handle that. Plus, he’s from just up the road in Durham, which means owner Jerry Richardson can use the money he would normally spend on moving expenses to conduct a study to see if raising parking prices by $25 is too much. PRACTICAL AND THRIFTY.

Cincinnati Bengals

Fadol Brown, DE, Ole Miss

Having watched the Bengals’ season of Hard Knocks, team owner Mike Brown strikes me as the type of guy who would draft a player because they have the same last name.

Buffalo Bills

John Youngblood, DE, Ole Miss

The Bills finished 2016 ranked 26th in defensive efficiency. They desperately need pass rushers and defensive players who can score touchdowns.

TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE.

New Orleans Saints

Tony Bridges, DB, Ole Miss

All part of the Saints’ plan to spend eight consecutive drafts selecting only defensive players in hopes that they can field a functioning defense before 2030 gets here.

Cleveland Browns (from San Francisco, from Cleveland)

Will Few, LS, Ole Miss

Browns management knows you can’t pass up a long snapper when he’s at the top of your board, even if it did cost you two third-round picks and fishing rights in Lake Erie to get back your original 12th pick.

Arizona Cardinals

Isaac Gross, DT, Ole Miss

Maybe he can help motivate last year’s first-round pick, Robert Nkemdi- lol nope.

Philadelphia Eagles

Derrick Jones, WR/DB/WR/DB/WR/DB, Ole Miss

Is it just me or is this a really Ole Miss-heavy draft?

Indianapolis Colts

Kailo Moore, DB, Ole Miss

WHEN I TURN ON THE TAPE OF KAILO MOORE, ALL I SEE IS A GUY WHO WANTS TO GET THE FOOTBALL.

THIS GUY. KAILO MOORE. HE JUST GETS THE FOOTBALL.

Cleveland Browns (from Baltimore)

Nathan Noble, K, Ole Miss

Still haunted by the Laremy Tunsil video from last year’s draft, the Ravens donated this pick to the Browns. They prefer to spend this pick polishing their Ray Lewis statue rather than select someone who could’ve done a weed.

Meanwhile, Cleveland pounces on a chance to strengthen their special teams in the first round.

Washington [Redacted]

Rommel Mageo, LB, Ole Miss

Dan Snyder never passes on a chance to snag a one-time free agent.

Tennessee Titans

Hunter Thurley, TE, Ole Miss

I was about to say that with a name like that he HAD to go to Nashville. Turns out, he’s from Nashville!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Carlos Davis, DB, Ole Miss

Really surprised we haven’t seen any LSU or Alabama players drafted yet. Seems like they’re always being taken in the first round.

Denver Broncos

Martin Johnson, RB, Ole Miss

Just a hunch that the Broncos go back to the ways of the late ‘90s when they picked up any running back and turned him into a 1,000-yard rusher.

Cleveland Browns (from Detroit)

Tyler Jackson, K, Ole Miss

When you trade up to get a backup kicker, why not draft a kicker who backed up many kickers? It’s about experience, people.

Miami Dolphins

Robert Conyers, C, Ole Miss

He’s from Miami, Laremy Tunsil put in a good word for him, and he can handle his cold tubs.

New York Giants

Temario Strong, LB, Ole Miss

Even if Strong never plays a game for the Giants, he might have a connection with a guy who knows how to make it look like he did.

Oakland Raiders

Taz Zettergren, TE, Ole Miss

The Raiders love to talk about the “commitment to excellence”, which sounds like the tag line to a commercial for a luxury car with California redwood paneling and elephant ivory accents. And you can’t get much closer to “commitment to excellence” than being in the vicinity of excellence.

Oakland Raiders (from Houston)

Talbot Buys, OL, Ole Miss

MORE COMMITMENT TO BEING IN THE VICINITY OF EXCELLENCE.

Seattle Seahawks

Jacob Feeley, C, Ole Miss

Can’t wait for Feeley to come back to Oxford and engage everyone in discussions about truth, like his new head coach.

Kansas City Chiefs

Before Andy Reid screws up the clock management on this pick, I’ve just been informed that we cannot complete the first round. Apparently, there are no more draft-eligible players who attended a school that beat Alabama in consecutive years.

Sorry, Kansas City, Dallas, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, Atlanta, and New Orleans. No picks for you. Please forward all complaints to Auburn, Arkansas, LSU, Mississippi State, Texas A&M, Florida, and Tennessee.