BOOZE BLOG REBELLION: The perfect dirty ashtray, which is perfect

Ole Miss lost in very stupid fashion on Saturday, and there’s not much more to say about the game than that. Matt Luke called three timeouts in a row to try and ice Arkansas’ kicker, and that failed miserably. So that we’re here to help you get through the Arkansas loss and the rest of this lost season, really.

Meet the “dirty ashtray,” a perfectly wonderful spin on your standard Tecate can that will make any Halloween party a more fun place to hang out. A dirty ashtray is made up of the following:

One 12-ounce can of Tecate beer
³⁄₄ ounce Tequila of your choice (Cutty’s throws on Espolon)
A splash of lime juice
Crystal Hot Sauce topper to taste
A few shakes of black pepper, again to taste

This may sound weird and terrible. It ain’t. Tecate is a harmless enough beer that it can stand a dash of tequila and lime and hot sauce to class up the joint. There are myriad variations of this particular concoction, but that there listing offers you the perfect base from which to work.

Tecate on its own is fairly unremarkable, and literally no one is ordering or asking for a Tecate in its own right. There needs to be something else here. Maybe a lime. Maybe an accompanying shot of tequila with lime. Whatever the case, Tecate is something that requires something else, and that something else for my money is a dirty ashtray. It’s zesty, it’s spicy, and it’s biting. The pepper finishes remarkably well.

If you’re going to consciously order up a Tecate in a bar, ask that dumbfounded bartender if he or she is willing to throw a dirty ashtray on top of that thing. Hopefully they’ll be overjoyed to do so.

Maybe you’re a dirty asshole and the thought of a nasty shot of tequila could rev your night up. But know this, tabasco and a lime will barely improve your Tecate. Knowing that, you should indulge this, because a punch in the face is exactly what you are asking for.

With the right bartender and the right amount of spice and tequila you might very well forget you are drinking a half-hearted beer. Beyond that, you might enjoy ordering something that is neither a drink nor a shot. It is a nasty Eater blog brain-child with an underrated mind of its own. And did I say it’s cheap. As cheap as the beer itself and as inexpensive as a shot of tequila with the added zest of a lime and dash of hot sauce, you may as well be ordering a drunken huevos rancheros. But breakfast at dinner is not what you’re looking for. Maybe your are.

You want a punch in the face at 11:00 o’clock, so I’ll tell you this dirty ashtray is neither a slap in the face nor a comfort. It’s something to order when you can’t quite decide what will impress your date (or your comrades). So order it. But know this, I am not undermining it: this drink is a smack in the mouth when you most need it. How often do you get spice and agave and hops in one bite. If your bartender is keen, you might even get more than you ask for. Good luck.