When the baseball team crashed out of their own regional last weekend with such speed and force that most of the Mike Bianco takes weren't properly cooked yet, it didn't set in that the 2015-16 Ole Miss sports calendar had reached its end. Now, after a few days of lament, reality has arrived with the acceptance that we have roughly three months of zero Ole Miss sports over which to obsess (on a positive note, they can't slowly drain the life out of us!).
In an attempt to have those three months pass as quickly as possible and make it to the part of the year where we can get back to avoiding life, I'm here to offer some ideas you can implement this summer to speed up your time in the wilderness (note: not the wilderness of which Hugh Freeze spoke). While not all of these will appeal to your interests, you'll have plenty of time between now and August to at least try them all.
Or you can ignore them and give your family and friends a front row seat to someone spiraling into insanity due to boredom. Your choice.
Let's get to filling that void!
1. Talk about the 'Noles
Obviously. There's a lot of talking going on all the time, but there's never enough of it about the 'Noles. Even though you should be doing this already, getting your mind right for the game in Orlando will make this easier.
2. Take up a summer project
Always wanted a back deck where you could sit and drink your alcohols late in the afternoon and evenings, while staring into the abyss wondering where it all got away from you? Well, now you can!
You've got nearly all the time in the world to build something you'll use and appreciate for years to come.
3. Abandon summer project
WHY IS IT SO HOT? DAMN YOU, HUMIDITY, DAMN YOU.
ALSO, I WAS UNAWARE THIS INVOLVED SO MUCH WORK.
4. Throw yourself into the major soccer tournaments
Right now, Copa America (a tournament involving countries from both Americas) is taking place in the United States, which means the games start at normal times for your maximum convenience. More importantly, the US men's national team is in it, giving you the opportunity to take your patriotism up to American flag cutoff t-shirt and jorts levels.
And on Friday, Euro 2016 stars, which, as you may have guessed, is a tournament made up of European countries. While the United States is not playing in this tournament, you can still enjoy watching a European team you loathe collapse in a ball of fire and agony (LOOKING AT YOU, PORTUGAL).
5. I was told there would be no soccer talk
What about baseball? Isn't there enough professional baseball in three summer months to last 75 lifetimes?
Indeed there is, if that's your thing. I don't care all that much for baseball (#BARVES), but if you only focus on baseball, you'll miss the opportunity to get an offseason dose of wailing and gnashing of teeth when a soccer team you're pulling for loses in horrific fashion (pls, don't do that to me, USMNT).
Oh, and as you may know from previous baseball-related posts I've done, more than 10 seconds of baseball talk means we are bound by law to show a crotch adjustment:
6. Listen to past Podcast Rebellions and count how many times Zach and Borkey were WRONG
7. Watch old episodes of The Season from the Houston Nutt years for some laughs
How badly did we lose this game you ask?
8. See how many hot dog sandwiches you can eat in one sitting
The answer is zero because hot dogs are not sandwiches, nor are they a legitimate food adults should consume. Be better to yourself.
9. Put a giant map on a wall and plot where Ole Miss bagman has been
Here's the map that hangs prominently in my home:
10. Start a pool among your friends to guess how many touchdowns Chad Kelly accumulates this season
Everyone puts in money and records their guesses, which should be stored in a safe deposit box because all parties involved will most likely be a CHEATIN REBEL BEAR. I recommend using one of the banks that stores the slush funds Ole Miss uses to pay croots.
As for the number of touchdowns Easy 76 Bro might pile up, I'd go conservative and stay in the neighborhood of 145 or so.
THREE MONTHS UNTIL THE IROC-Z GETS OUT OF THE GARAGE. REST UP, Y'ALL.