[Trainer Hugh walks into Professor Bjork's Pokemon Lab]
Professor Bjork: There you are Hugh! I was beginning to worry! I can't leave here at the moment but here's a Croot-edex! Go find some powerful Pokecroots so you can defeat the evil organization Team NCAA. It's dangerous to go into the tall grass without some incentives, take this!
[Hands Trainer Hugh some vouchers for Abner's chicken tenders, shots at The Library and local Oxford hookers]
[Cue theme song]
He wants to be...the very best, like no one ever was. To croot them is his real test, to sign them is his cause.
He will travel across the land, searching far and wide. Each Pokecroot, to understand, the stars that lay inside.
Pokecroot! Gotta croot em allllll! It's you and me, dot that "i" and cross that "t"!
Pokecroot! Oh, you're my new stud, unless you turn out to be a duddddd.
Pokecroot! Don't you dare flip too, we all know that check went through! You play here and I'll pay youuuu,
Shout out and props to @BellyoftheBeast who made these beautiful Pokecroot cards a reality.
5-star OT Greg Little has officially signed with Ole Miss #GottaCrootEmAll https://t.co/qIE2HQUPbJpic.twitter.com/g2BbrW0mX9— it me the bagman (@RedCupRebellion) February 3, 2016
Pokemon: Hariyama - Arm Thrust Pokemon
Ability: Guts - Boosts Attack if there is a status condition. In Little's case, boosts his clutch commitment because there is a major status condition with the OL.
Key Move: Close Combat learned at level 52. Must have move in order to toss other team's would be pass rushers to the ground.
With hands as big as FOUR veggie plate at Ajax and enough poundage to push back against a herd of stampeding Tauros (Tauri?), Little fits Hariyama to the H.
I SWEAR WE DID THIS BEFORE THE SKYDIVE: 4-star Deontay Anderson is official https://t.co/c8QXtH6HqS pic.twitter.com/hw1iiDxaPI— it me the bagman (@RedCupRebellion) February 3, 2016
Pokemon: Pidgeot - Bird Pokemon
Ability: Keen Eye - Prevents other Pokemon from lowering accuracy. Crucial to any ball hawks out there.
Key Move: Mirror Move learned at level 56. Staying on deep thread WRs like their reflection.
Not only is Deontay the perfect Pokemon for ball hawking, but THE DUDE ANNOUNCED WHILE SKYDIVING! And like the tweet says, these croots were given their Pokemon alter-egos long before NSD. I guess we've got a touch of Mewtwo's psychic pokemon powers with some of these.
AJ Brown's LOI is in, y'all #GottaCrootEmAll https://t.co/IL8oZ7BisW pic.twitter.com/yI2pyqzILw— it me the bagman (@RedCupRebellion) February 3, 2016
Pokemon: Zapdos - Electric Pokemon
Ability: Static - Paralyzes on contact. If you try and jam up Brown off the line of scrimmage, you are gonna need to hit up the Pokemon Center and Nurse Joy ASAP.
Key Move: Pluck learned at level 22. I'm pretty sure Brown inherited this move as soon as Coach Freeze swooped in and plucked him straight out of Starkville.
Brown zapped a lot of folks when he announced his commitment to Ole Miss in the heart of bulldog country. Probably because Dan Mullen used his only Master Ball on Jeffery Simmons.
4-star TE Octavious Cooley has signed with Ole Miss #GottaCrootEmAll https://t.co/gJL2mPM7CD pic.twitter.com/1AudHxRQYk— it me the bagman (@RedCupRebellion) February 3, 2016
Pokemon: Octillery - Jet Pokemon
Ability: Suction Cups - Negates all moves that force switching out. Also super helpful at sucking in and sticking to receptions. I doubt Cooley will even need any sticky spray for his gloves.
Key Move: Octazooka learned at level 25. Because who doesn't want to imagine a TE with octazookas for arms and a couple more strapped to his back?
One of Octillery's most creative combat moves is to use its tentacles to constrict the opposing Pokemon while he jet streams inky water into the opposing trainer's eyes. I think Octavious could totally pull this move off against a Bama pass rusher and then hock a loogy 30 yards to the sidelines into the eyes of Nick Saban.
4-star ATH Justin Connor has sent in his LOI to Ole Miss #GottaCrootEmAll https://t.co/5HS3bJuW0V pic.twitter.com/sN7tx6FckU— it me the bagman (@RedCupRebellion) February 3, 2016
Pokemon: Deoxys - DNA Pokemon
Ability: Pressure - Raises opposing Pokemon's PP usage. Pretty much, just the mere presence of Connor on the field makes opponents have to exert extra effort just to keep up.
Key Move: Psycho Boost learned at level 67. Because when there's a move called Psycho Boost, I want to see it reimagined on a football field.
Here's the deal with Deoxys, it can change forms to excel at either speed, attack or defense based on the needs of the trainer. Well same goes with Connor considering he made a name for himself at North Panola HS as a running back but will probably play CB at Ole Miss.
3-star OL Jack DeFoor is signed with Ole Miss #GottaCrootEmAll pic.twitter.com/5XwBies7bd— it me the bagman (@RedCupRebellion) February 3, 2016
Pokemon: Tauros - Wild Bull Pokemon
Ability: Sheer Force - Removed added effects to increase damage.
Key Move: Take Down learned at level 41.
What's better at trucking people into pancakes ten yards downfield than a bull who's had his horns grabbed by some noodle-armed DE who thinks he's about to succeed where his Spanish fathers before him never did...finally slaying a bull. LOLNOPE
Ole Miss received an LOI for 4-star DB Jaylon Jones #GottaCrootEmAll https://t.co/JiOV3NFlex pic.twitter.com/zkIhclxOB8— it me the bagman (@RedCupRebellion) February 3, 2016
Pokemon: Marowak - Bone Keeper Pokemon
Ability: Rock Head - Protects the Pokemon from recoil damage. But still, please refrain from tackling while leading with your helmet.
Key Move: Bonemerang learned at level 21. (Because you can't name a move of a primarily kid's game BONERang.)
Like Jones, while small in size, Marowak is a Pokemon that brings the wood. Its main attack method? Whacking opposing Pokemon with a bone. Now if that doesn't tell you how badass of a hard-hitting landshark Jaylon Jones will be, you should just check out Yu-Gi-Oh.
4-star OT Bryce Mathews has signed with Ole Miss #GottaCrootEmAll https://t.co/VzmalYMDVQ pic.twitter.com/maZTNhlti4— it me the bagman (@RedCupRebellion) February 3, 2016
Pokemon: Bastiodon - Shield Pokemon
Ability: Sturdy - It cannot be knocked out with one hit. With a huge frame, Mathews should be able to take multiple hits while protecting Chad next year.
Key Move: Block learned at level 30. Obvious move for OL is obvious.
Imagine a cinder block wall. Now imagine that wall as a head with a 280 pound body mass behind it for support. Now you have Mathews as a Pokemon. If you wanted to get really fancy, you could add a motor and treadmill tracks and just go straight into a Pokemon/Transformer fusion bulldozer.
4-star TE Jacob Mathis faxed in his LOI to Ole Miss #GottaCrootEmAll https://t.co/Rbnx6sgrlr pic.twitter.com/sHPf7e6t8i— it me the bagman (@RedCupRebellion) February 3, 2016
Pokemon: Cofagrigus - Coffin Pokemon
Ability: Mummy - Contact with this Pokemon spreads this ability. AKA, even trying to lay a hand on Mathis will stuff you, wrap you up and mummify you right there on the damn field.
Key Move: Power Split learned at level 33. Mathis will probably split some of his power at the LB position, which is great because he can just pop out more ghost hands for making picks.
4-star WR DK Metcalf has sent his LOI to Ole Miss #GottaCrootEmAll https://t.co/5Y0reealgV pic.twitter.com/u7pbyybwfH— it me the bagman (@RedCupRebellion) February 3, 2016
Pokemon: Sneasel - Sharp Claw Pokemon
Ability: Inner Focus - Prevents flinching. Not even a double team can make Metcalf flinch and miss snagging down balls.
Key Move: Punishment learned at level 44. Plan on DK punishing other team's DB's with his speed, route-running and SportsCenter Top 10 highlight reel catches.
Sneasel is one of the fastest' Pokemon out there that also packs a strong Attack stat and with a move-set that downright screams Pre-Madonna WR: Leer, Taunt, Quick Attack, Feint Attack, Agility, Beat Up, Snatch. etc.
4-star OT Royce Newman, who flipped from Mizzou, is signed #GottaCrootEmAll https://t.co/CG7qlknjMv pic.twitter.com/dtlpEd2hHH— it me the bagman (@RedCupRebellion) February 3, 2016
Pokemon: Raikou - Thunder Pokemon
Ability: Volt Absorb - Restores HP if hit by an Electric-type attack.
Key Move: Volt Switch learned through technical machine 72. Volt Switch deals damage then switches out the user. (Y'all seeing where I'm going with this?)
Raikou is a legendary dog Pokemon. The legendary dog Pokemon are especially hard to catch (a Pokeball catch rate of 0.4%!) considering they randomly pop up around the map and run away as soon as you encounter them. Well it just so happens that Raikou looks surprisingly similar to a Mizzou tiger and Newman pulled a legendary dog move on them when he recently flipped to Ole Miss. SHOCKING! Hugh must have used an Ultra Ball.
4-star WR Tre Nixon is the first LOI of the morning for Ole Miss #GottaCrootEmAll https://t.co/HRJF0Iin5f pic.twitter.com/xE61Nhdrob— it me the bagman (@RedCupRebellion) February 3, 2016
Pokemon: Feraligatr - Big Jaw Pokemon
Ability: Torrent - Ups Water-type moves in a pinch. When it comes to taking croots from Florida, when it rains, it pours.
Key Move: Agility learned at level 30. "The user relaxes and lightens its body to move faster. This sharply raises the Speed stat." One could assume that if Tre Nixon increased his speed anymore, he might be able to outrun a Jolteon.
Everyone needs a big strong bodied water type Pokemon in their lineup and it's no surprise that every team out there had a scholly offer to one of the fastest receivers in this year's class. Tre may have to sit tight in his Pokeball due to the depth of WRU for next year. Don't worry though, Hugh has made sure he will have plenty of Sweet Nectar and Hyper Potions (don't tell Pat Forde) to keep him healthy and happy.
Sorry folks, been holding back on this D'Vaughn Pennamon card #GottaCrootEmAll pic.twitter.com/f8QJUTqDnC— Red Cup Rebellion (@RedCupRebellion) February 3, 2016
Pokemon: Arcanine - Legendary Pokemon
Ability: Intimidate - Lowers the foe's Attack stat. What's more intimidating than an all-purpose back that can find and hit a gap or run a bail out route?
Key Move: Extreme Speed learned at level 34. Arcanine is the only Fire pokemon that can learn Extreme Speed, so be prepared to need some aloe vera for all the burn marks he will leave whilst juking and blazing past people. Like Arcanine, Pennamon is big, fast and runs with a graceful long stride.
3-star RB Jarrion Street has signed his LOI with Ole Miss #GottaCrootEmAll https://t.co/1nkFr1H4T4 pic.twitter.com/eLR7ohVb0y— it me the bagman (@RedCupRebellion) February 3, 2016
Pokemon: Machamp - Superpower Pokemon
Ability: No Guard - Ensures abilities by the Pokemon always land.
Key Move: Bulk Up learned at level 43. Depending on how many times Jarrion uses Bulk Up will also determine where he might play.
Machamp has four arms, two for holding you down and two more for fisticuffing. In this case, Jarrion would have two arms for running with the ball and two more for swatting down passes at his potential other linebacker position.
3-star LB/DE Tariquious Tisdale has signed with Ole Miss #GottaCrootEmAll https://t.co/uYBKhq0KsL pic.twitter.com/Aevt8BoN4L— it me the bagman (@RedCupRebellion) February 3, 2016
Pokemon: Geodude, later evolving into Graveler
Ability: Sand Veil - Boosts evasion during a sandstorm. ::Cues Darude's hit rager tune::
Key Move: Rollout learned at level 10. This move gets stronger and stronger when used in repetition. So as long as Tisdale keeps getting swoll'd and evolve into Graveler, expect to see him roll out at the LB position.
Ole Miss has an LOI from 3-star OG Chandler Tuitt #GottaCrootEmAll https://t.co/F5VbM9jBY8 pic.twitter.com/p5kZf08suf— it me the bagman (@RedCupRebellion) February 3, 2016
Pokemon: Regirock - Rock Peak Pokemon
Ability: Sturdy - It cannot be knocked out with one hit.
Key Move: Hammer Arm learned at level 49. Nothing says pancaking D-linemen to the ground like a good stiff hammer arm.
Long arms, jutting shoulders, club-like hands and a body that consists of various rocks make Regirock the perfect fit for Tuitt. Regirock is also the 3rd highest Defense stat Pokemon, perfect for pass-protecting.
Gabe Angel - Blaziken
Greg Eisworth - Bulbasaur
Donta Evans - Kabutops
Myles Hartsfield - Beedrill
Eli Johnson - Conkeldurr
Benito Jones - Snorlax
Shea Patterson - Mewtwo
Charles Wiley - Sandslash
Tune in next season as Trainer Hugh takes on 8 SEC Gym Leaders and onward to the Elite 4 Playoff!